That was the very last thing I had to do as I already did everything else, like fix my financial situation. I am completely out of debt with the very generous help from the people of Halforums.com and several of the LGBT community. Who I cannot thank enough for helping me get through this. So I knew today I would have to hear something more definitive regarding my diagnosis and if I am going to be able to progress to the next phase.

So, nervous as hell I missed the bus I wanted to catch because it was a few minutes early but that’s okay as I scheduled this trip with a very wide margin. I get on the next bus and get the connecting one right after at the airport. When I arrived at the hospital I still had 45 minutes to kill.. Or, you know, spend in complete and utter anxiety. Having my hopes crushed a few times already this time I was prepared to hear the worst. Expecting it almost.

It hits 3 o’clock and my psychologist walks toward me. She’s on time, thank God. If I had to wait any longer I might have had a total freak out. We walk into her tiny office and play catch up for a bit. I hadn’t seen her in months. Then she drops the bomb on me. “I haven’t received the report from [psychologist] yet”. The report that was sent out and written last MONTH you mean? You have got to be kidding me. I damn near died when she said that. I fucking knew it! I knew that somehow things would just fuck up for me once again and I’d have to wait many more months just to have them green light me for hormone treatment because of damn paperwork!

She said I looked a bit down shortly after that. See, I didn’t actually say all those things I just wrote, I only thought them. So I tell her that I already expected to have to wait.. again.. She says “No, you won’t”. Bwaaahh?? Apparently she had talked to my psycho-therapist (who has the report in question) and she had sufficient information to bring me into the next meeting, which is on the 5th of August.

I was stunned. It didn’t sink in right away. We talked about other things and filled out some paperwork she’ll add in the meeting. The appointment was cut short after that, because well, she’s done, I’m done, no need to waste more time with idle chitchat. She took me to the lead of the gender team who promptly changed my medical record and changed my name to Julie Ann and corrected the gender to female. That was the point where I damn near broke down in tears. I know it is still far from a legal change but it’s the first time it was written down in an official manner. It was finally real. I am female.

He said he thought my name was very beautiful and made me a new hospital card which finally had the name on it I had been using for 2 years along with the correct gender. It felt like I stared at that for at least half an hour. He gave me the papers I needed to take with me to where I get my blood drawn. They do this early because it takes 3 weeks for them to get all the results. This information will be used by the endocrinologist to determine the dosage of the hormones and if there could be any possible complications while taking them.

While I haven’t been officially green lighted yet for hormone treatment thanks to all the papers I got them there is only a 0.03% I won’t be. The gender team will make their final decision on the 5th of August and call me and let me know either that Friday or the next Monday along with when I have to come back for my appointment with the endocrinologist, which should be mid-August. I’m finally done waiting.

In short: FAN-FUCKING-FINALLY!

Of course I am not there yet. First step is the diagnostic stage which normally takes about 6 sessions, all about a month apart. So yeah, add another half year of waiting before I will even be considered for hormone replacement therapy. So we’re looking at February at the earliest here for them to tell me what I have already known for all this time and label me with gender dysphoria. Bummer.

While I really do understand the need for the entire lengthy process as this is not something someone should go into lightly and it most certainly has a major impact on every aspect of your life and the people around you, I already made my choice last year. I am Julie. Period. There is no confusion, no wishing to ‘go back’ or thinking that I made a mistake. There is no doubt. None.

So to me, the waiting is sometimes grueling. I know I’ll get there, I know I should not even worry about that fact. Even my therapist reminds of that. I already transitioned. Most people who apply and get to this stage have never been out in public or even told anyone outside their immediate circle yet. Those are the things that they will work on with the people that reach this stage. The coming out part to family and work and such.

I did all that already. Everybody knows. I am living full time as me, Julie, and I even got rid of my ‘just in case’ bag of guy clothes months ago. Hell, its even hard to think of a time before my transition. It’s not just like that was a different person, it really was a different person; and I’m still changing more and more. When I first announced I was going to transition I said I would still be the same person. Oh how wrong I was. They say I can expect more changes once hormones start kicking into a full gear.

Anyway… To get back on track here. I met my assigned psychologist. She explained the procedure which I of course already knew so nothing new there. Other than that we just covered some basic stuff, did a quick rundown of my life and some of the things that were written down from my earlier visit way back in March. She’s really nice and easy to talk to.

You have probably noticed by now that each time I write about my visits to my therapist and such I don’t go very in depth about what was talked about. This is not because I don’t want to, it is because I was advised not to. Sadly, that is all I can say about it at this point in time. I will of course always speak my mind about the things that I can talk about.

After the talk was over I made three new follow up appointments, for October, November, and December, and also another one in November for a psychological test type thing. Having been nervous as all flipping hell over this thing I was glad it was over and also relieved that it went well.

See, over here in the Netherlands they are very strict when it comes to diagnosis and treatment of people who have gender dysphoria. Rightfully so of course, there are many people who claim or think they have gender dysphoria but it’s not uncommon that those feelings are misplaced or stemming from other issues. They may even just be a homosexual whose only way of dealing with it is portraying themselves as feminine (I’m attracted to men, so I must be a girl, right?). Of course I’m generalizing it a bit there, but that’s basically what they try to evaluate after your intake: How likely is the chance you do in fact have gender dysphoria?

Right now the waiting list has become so long they did early preliminary intakes. So essentially the waiting list still isn’t over. They did this to predetermine who should be on the waiting list at all; eliminating the odd cases I mentioned above. In effect shortening the waiting list for everyone else waiting for the diagnostic phase. This process will happen next month when the VUMC ‘gender team’ has their meeting and starts deciding who stays and who doesn’t.

After that I will still have to wait another 3 to 6 months before I can even start the diagnostic phase, which in itself will take a minimum of 6 months. So the earliest I can start my hormone treatment will be about a year from now. So that’s kind of a bummer but at least progress is being made. Besides, I have no doubts about me going successfully going through the diagnostic phase and such. All I got to do is wait and it will happen, I believe truly in this fact.

So today was an important day, that I was extremely nervous about, but it all went down without a hitch and I could further reaffirm that I really don’t have anything to worry about. I just need to be patient is all.

tl;dr version: Intake done, more months of waiting to be done, I will succeed.