Heavily improvised vlog about my cute boyfriend. I’m kinda rambling on and on for most of this video. :p Recorded this at his place which partly explains why I’m a bit out of it. :)

I’ve been dating quite a bit lately (understatement of the year) and decided to cover them all in one go. This will also be pretty much the last time I’ll talk about my dating experiences. Well, I will mention small things in passing but I will no longer dedicate an entire b/vlog to it unless something out of the ordinary happens, like a very special first date or something. So, just assume I’ll still be dating lots even if I don’t talk about it.

I had my second date with the guy from my previous video in the first weekend of December. Which, incidentally, you can find by searching YouTube for “insane sex“. I’ll be referring to him as “Teddy” from now on so you can actually tell ‘m all apart. :p Cuz, you know, I’m dating 5 different guys right now. (Note: The fifth is not mentioned in here.)

He surprised me, because the day before while we talked a bit on MSN, he asked what time I wanted him to come over. I said “As soon as possible!” which apparently he took quite literally because at 9am the next morning I got a text message saying he was on his way. I was still in bed; sleeping! I didn’t expect him until like 2 or 3pm so I had to rush and get ready very, very quickly!

He again stayed for the weekend, though only two days this time. We.. did make it count, though. Apart from watching the latest Resident Evil: Afterlife, we didn’t do much apart from, well, you know, have fun. ;)

When I said it would be tough making a vlog about this one he threw a few suggestions at me. One of them would be to make like a checklist and just go “did it, did it, did it, about to do it” and so on. I’m not sure if going into detail about my sex life would gain or lose me subscribers. Probably both so it might just even out. Still.. as open as I am, there are certain things that will remain private. This isn’t just my life I’m talking about here.

The Saturday after that, I had a first date. It was with a guy who I’ll be calling “Pretzel”. His choice, don’t ask, I don’t know. He’s the youngest guy I’ve ever dated so far as he’s only 26. Eight years younger than me. He suggested dinner and a movie so it was going to be kind of a classic date. Never had one of those before.

We met up in Amsterdam in the early afternoon. I was hungry so we decided to find a Subway to eat. Afterward we walked past the cinema where we were planning on watch a movie later, so we went in and looked at what would be playing that day.

Other than Tangled, which he had already seen, there wasn’t really a whole lot of interesting movies playing. He suggested The Social Network but we wound up choosing Unstoppable, the latest action flick starring Denzel Washington. I wanted something that wouldn’t require me to completely focus on the movie.

We had some time to kill so we went looking for a place to sit ‘n stuff. We found a ‘quaint’ little cafe, drank some wine, and talked. It was there that we decided to forget about going to the movies and just go to my place instead. Well, I wanted dinner first so we went to McDonald’s. I hadn’t had eaten there in a while and I really felt like having some junk food. :p

When we got to my place we put on the movie Doom as background noise. Besides that we spent most of our time in the bedroom. To cut a long story short, he didn’t leave until the next morning. ;)

Now, just a few days after that I had to go to the hospital for my transition evaluation and talk about how I was doing being on hormones and how it has affected me so far. Earlier that day I talked with Pretzel and arranged to see him that evening. It’s a good thing I did because I received some very bad news from one of the doctors and had a really hard time dealing with it. And no, I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like talking about what I was told just yet but I’ll probably make it public in a future update.

When I got to Rotterdam to meet up with Pretzel, we went over to Pizza Hut to eat. Which luckily had an “all you can eat” buffet that day which we gladly took advantage of. There, I told him what happened and he was really supportive and comforting.

We must’ve sat at the Pizza Hut for about 2 hours before we finally left. We then found a nice little cafe where we had some drinks and talked about all kinds of subjects. We also set up a date for the following Friday. He was gonna come over again. By the time I left for home it was already quite late, I didn’t get back home until 1.30am.

Well, the next day I had another first date. With a guy I had only talked to for about 10 minutes on this dating site I’m on. He just asked me out and I accepted.

We met up in Amsterdam and were gonna go to this Jazz Cafe he knew. Well when we got there it hadn’t opened yet so we went to the Burger King while we waited for the place to open.

The Jazz Cafe was really nice. It was not very busy at first but that would change dramatically in the next few hours. We got a nice table right near the front of the stage. It didn’t take long before the musicians came in and started setting up.

It was a jazz band consisting of a trumpet, saxophone, (digital) piano, double bass, and drums. They were really quite awesome. Very skilled, every single one of them capable of doing solos, and there was this great dynamic between them.

We drank for a bit and enjoyed their performance. They were going to do four sets but sadly by the time they finished their first set I had to head back to the train station in order to catch the last train home. Again I got home at 1.30am.

He, who I’ll call “Zack” by the way, is a very intelligent, friendly and interesting person. Not a bad dresser either. Though this was a bit of an unusual date for me. Unusual in the sense that there was no physical contact whatsoever during the entire date. He was very nice throughout the entire evening, but I’m not sure anything is going to happen there.

Then came Friday. Yes, Pretzel was coming over again. He texted me at just before 8am that he was on his way. Again, I was still asleep at that time, so I had to get up, shower and get ready quickly. Well, apparently I didn’t have to be that fast as there was such heavy snow that day that public transportation wasn’t without its delays.

He got here at like 10am, I think. We watched Scott Pilgrim vs. The World which is a truly awesome movie! Very geeky. :D We ordered pizza and other than that we pretty much just did our usual thing. ;) He also stayed the night even though that wasn’t initially planned.

The Tuesday after that I went over to see Teddy. Yeah, a date on a weekday while he has to work the next day. Crazy, I know. We had a lot of fun though, he even gave me a Christmas present! That was so sweet of him! I wound up spending the night there and left in the early morning.

Well, I decided to head over at my dad’s as I don’t see him enough as it is and he lives in a nearby city. I also had a date with Pretzel this same day so this way I didn’t have to go all the way back home, fix myself up, and then go back out again.

Pretzel and I had a lot of fun as well. He took me to this very sweet restaurant, the food there was awesome. Again I didn’t get home until the middle of the night.

Then the Monday after that, just after Christmas, Pretzel was gonna come over to my place again for a day or two. Well, that wound up to being three days as he didn’t leave until Wednesday. He arrived a bit later than planned as the train he was on malfunctioned in the middle of nowhere but that gave me time to clean up the place a bit more.

I ‘demanded’ we would watch the Doctor Who Christmas Special as I’m kind of a Doctor Who addict and I could not wait any longer to see it. We also watched The Chase, an old favorite of mine starring Charlie Sheen. Yes.. I think he’s cute.

We had a great time as always. :)

Then, merely hours after he left, I got a message from a guy I that contacted me via MySpace the other day. We had only talked for like 10-15 minutes back then. He said he was “in the neighbourhood” and wondered if he could drop by.

I swear I am insane because I gave him my address and he was going to head my way. It was 1am at the time, I was exhausted, and I looked like crap. I just figured, “why not”, you know?

He stayed until like 2.30am. We just talked. He was a bit unusual, it was hard for me to get a good picture of him and what it is that he wanted from me. He hadn’t read my site, nor my dating profile as I didn’t meet him from there, and he didn’t even realize I was trans until I told him over MSN the first time we talked. We set up a date for the 4th of January. He was going to pick me up and gonna go out someplace nice.

Now, I thought I was going to have a relatively quiet couple of days as we were headed into the new year, but then everything changed. Teddy really wanted to see me so we set something up for the 1st of January and then Pretzel came along and asked me to spend new year’s eve at his place!

Fun fact: Pretzel and I were asleep and woke up 5 minutes after midnight due to the noise coming from outside, lol. “Oh hey! It’s new year!”

Without going into too much detail this was by far the best time I’ve spent new year’s eve and day ever! :p There was some serious fireworks those days alright! And I think I damn near killed Teddy! ;)

Then the 4th came along. I was supposed to have my date with the MySpace guy that day. He sent me a message around 7pm that he was still at work but headed home soon. Our date wasn’t until 8pm so I figured that was fine.

Well after he didn’t show up when it was like a quarter to nine I sent him a text asking what the fuck is up. He simply replied stating that he was “still busy”. Well thanks for letting me know, asshole!

I was talking to Teddy at the time and I said, “You know, I can be over at your place in like an hour if I leave right now”. So that’s what I did. I quickly grabbed some overnight stuff and just headed out the door.

Meanwhile the MySpace guy would still text me with lame excuses that I simply found too hard to believe. It is a very simple thing to let someone know you’re running late and give an estimation of just how late you think you’re gonna be.

At least the day was not lost as I had a great time with Teddy. Teddy is always fun. He also introduced me to Fringe, which apparently can be summed up as a more contemporary X-Files. It’s very ‘fluffy’ but fun to watch.

Then this last weekend I saw Teddy again. Yes, again. This weekend was planned long time in advance. He come over on Friday evening and besides the ‘usual activities’ we watched a lot of Family Guy and The Big Bang Theory.

We had something very special planned for Saturday night. We went out at like 10pm to Amsterdam and I was kinda nervous but also very excited. I’m not going to go into any detail here but suffice to say that I enjoyed myself a lot and it is definitely something we’ll be doing again. :)

I like going out but as there are no buses that go to my town after like 1am it is not something I can easily do by myself. Trains still keep going though, so as we left there at about 4am we went over to Teddy’s place instead. It was my original plan to go back home on Sunday but I was so tired that I slept too much so it wasn’t until Monday morning until I finally went home. It was a long but very fun weekend. :)

Then last Friday I saw Pretzel again. I hadn’t seen him in a few weeks so that was nice. We hung out, had dinner, and went to the movies. We watched The Green Hornet in IMAX 3D and it was awesome! The screen was huge! The movie had some really amazing special effects and it was a very fun and entertaining movie. :)

While not planned Pretzel did come home with me which meant the next day I had to rush a little bit as I had a date with a new guy. :)

This new guy is 26, has long hair, he’s gothy (rawr!), and he’s OMFG awesome! I’ll be calling him Dragoon. He also promised to give me a massage which I desperately needed so that was already a big plus.

When I got there he had just finished baking brownies, which were absolutely delicious. We were gonna go to the supermarket to buy stuff for dinner that night but we left kinda late as we got a bit distracted. ;) Once we left he actually carried me down a few flights of stairs, all the way to outside. We passed one of his roommates along the way who was all “what the hell”!? – It was fun.

He also made me quiche! Something I had never had before in my life so it was a new experience but it was good! He’s a pretty damn good cook as far as I can tell. Though, you know, I helped a little. *cough*

I really like this guy. We have a lot in common. I mean, it’s not every day I meet someone that turns on some music and actually have it be stuff I listen to myself. At one point even The Crüxshadows came along! I was like “OMG!” and he was like “you know them?” – “Know them? This is my fucking ringtone!” LOL!

The week after that was going to be a self-imposed no dating week but it only took two days before the very idea made me go crazy so I set up new dates for all of the following weekends and this upcoming weekend. In fact, I’ll be seeing Dragoon again this Friday despite the fact we already had a date set up in February. We’re gonna watch Dr. Horrible. Yes, I’ve never seen it before. Yes, I know, I’m losing geek cred for that.

Some people already assumed I would not be able to go a full week without a date and I guess they were right. I tried! Honest!

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been up to lately.. and what I will be up to for the foreseeable future. Like I said in the beginning, this will be the very last time I’ll do a complete b/vlog about dating unless something really special happens. Like, you know, I go exclusive, or I go skydiving for a first date. You know, weird stuff like that. If you’re still interested to know all the silly stuff and details I don’t talk about on here just follow me on twitter, facebook, or check out the official Facebook fan page. Yes, I have a fan page.

I have looots of other things to talk about, I just really needed to get this one done so you all would be up to date again and then I can finally move on and talk about others things again. I have some very interesting things coming up.

Talk to ya later!

So I had a date recently. It was a first date and I’m pretty sure we broke every rule in the book on that date. I guess this could also be called “What not to do on a first date.” but rules are meant to be broken, right? ;)

We had been messaging on this dating site for a while. Thought we always kept missing each other so basically it was just emailing back ‘n forth every other day. One of the first things he asked me was about my religion, which I had listed as “other”. This lead into a big discussion on organized religion in general ‘n stuff, not exactly a light topic of conversation with someone you just started talking to, but he never disrespected my beliefs so that was good.

We decided to switch topics after a while and wound up talking about movies, TV shows ‘n all that. He mentioned he had just seen RED with Bruce Willis, which I am a big fan of. The Fifth Element, Unbreakable, Die Hard, they’re all great. Though I still have yet to see the last one.

I gave him my MSN address so that maybe we could actually catch each other online at the same time and chat in real time instead. He added me and we started talking about a lot of things. Again, a lot about movies and TV shows. Battlestar Galactica, Star Trek, Sliders. Yes, he’s a geek, and I love geeks. <3

So then all of a sudden he says, “We should hold a TV and movie marathon. Spend like a weekend on the couch and watch a show we both like from start to finish.” I’m like, “Sure, sounds like fun.” and then he asks, “How about next weekend?”

Wait, what?! He was serious?! I told him he was mental and that I could very well be a psychotic serial killer. While it did seem like a fun idea it was really quite insane to do this as a first date. I told him that the ‘proper’ thing to do would be to at least meet up once or twice before deciding to do something as crazy as that, so I had to think about it. He swore he would be a perfect gentleman, unless I didn’t want him to be. I had to bite my tongue at that statement. ;)

Well, I didn’t think for very long because the next day I gave him directions to my place, asked for his cellphone number and a few other things. He gave me his number but requested that I would not call him as he wanted my voice to remain a mystery for now. I’m not sure if he feared I would sound like Darth Vader or what, but I honored his request.

Flash forward to that Friday. He texted me saying the train was a bit late but he still thought he could make the bus. Turned out he was wrong, though, because shortly after he texted he just missed it so he was gonna arrive half an hour later. He’d be here at about 9pm.

I left for the bus stop and waited. Bus came shortly after 9pm. I was nervous. So was he. He told me later it was kind of a “What the fuck am I doing?” type of feeling. He also said that when he got off the bus that his first impression of me was “Holy shit! She’s so thin!”

He gave me a rose. A blue rose. He said he wanted to give me a white one but they didn’t have one anymore. I thought that was so sweet of him. I wanted to kiss him right then and there but I could tell he was still feeling a bit nervous and awkward so I figured it could wait a bit.

When we got to my apartment, which is only like a 5 minute walk, I showed him where to put his stuff. He then sat on the couch and I sat at the heater for a bit. It was cold and raining out so I needed to warm up badly. He told me later he thought I was trying to distance myself from him. That maybe I thought that this was a mistake.

After I warmed up I sat next to him and we started to watch some movies. After some talk we decided on watching Toy Story 1, 2, and 3 because I said I really wanted to watch Toy Story 3 and he said he had never seen any of ‘m. We ordered pizza and started watching.

I noticed he wasn’t sure what to do at first. I could tell he wanted to hold me.. wrap his arm around me. I guess he wasn’t sure what I wanted. So I figured I’d help him out a bit. I just planted myself really tight next to him and things started to get a lot more physical after that. It didn’t take long before I was laying on his lap and he would caress my body.

We only lasted for the first two movies. He was, uh, tired and wanted to go to bed. We both proceeded to into the bedroom and he started to undress. I opened my closet, looked at my nighties, and asked “Hmm.. So what should I wear?” He then positioned himself directly behind me, put his arms around me and simply said “Less.”

The next day.. What? You honestly thought I was going to talk about all the intimate details of my sex life here? It was good, alright? Real good.. and plentiful. ;)

Anyway, the next day we got up kind of late. Well, I wanted to eat breakfast but he refused to leave the bed. Eventually he bribed me by making me give him a massage before he would get up. He had actually brought massage oil with him which we had used that night. It was really nice.

So I finally manage to get him out of bed, we take a shower, have breakfast and watched the first two episodes of The Walking Dead. The new TV show taking place after the Zombie Apocalypse. It’s pretty good.

The events after this are kind of a blur, really. I know what happened, I’m just not so sure about the when. So forgive me if some of this is completely wrong. I do know we watched The Emperor’s New Groove 2: Kronk’s New Groove because he really wanted to, which was a fun movie, I admit.

Later we ordered more food and watched Toy Story 3. I cried so bad near the end of that movie. He called me a “softy” for doing so. He said that underneath my hard exterior I was just “all soft of mushy inside”. I wasn’t aware I had a hard exterior, really.

After that we were both pretty tired, we didn’t sleep a helluva lot the night before. We figured we’d put on Twilight as background noise. That way we could still kinda say we had ‘seen’ it. It was so bad though, that even while half asleep we decided to turn it off. It was just terrible!

Things really become a blur at this point. I know he intended to leave on Sunday in the early afternoon, but that didn’t happen. Well, to be more precise, I made sure it didn’t happen. ;)

He had brought fresh ingredients to make us a salmon salad. It was supposed to be breakfast but it became more of a late lunch instead. It was weird, but cute, seeing this guy slave around in my kitchen for like half an hour preparing it. I ate some but I do feel kinda bad as I am not a big fan of fish.

He eventually left in the early evening and by the time he got home I was already passed out. Completely exhausted from the weekend.

It was the most unusual first date ever. We broke all the rules. Still, I’m very glad I did it because it was a very fun weekend and we really enjoyed ourselves. Definitely worth repeating. Which we are. ;)

I have an active profile on a large dating site. I was a member of a few others before but after tons of insults and even threats I quit those. Now I’m just on a single one and the users there have been treating me fairly well, I must say.

Now, I’m completely open in my profile, which has been reworked numerous times. It states very clearly that I am a transsexual who is still mid-transition. This information used to be on top of my profile but I have kind of sneakily moved it down quite a bit so people will read about me as a person first.

So a few weeks ago I get a random IM from this guy. He was telling me that my profile was refreshing for being so honest and open. We talked for just a few minutes. Random topics, really.

The next day he messages me again and we talk for a few minutes much like the previous day. Music, people, whatever came up. This went on for a few days until he asked me if I had like MSN or something. Now, I have a separate MSN account specifically for this very purpose. That way I can get a feel for people before I decide to give them my real MSN or not.

So I give him my alternate MSN account and he messages me. At this point it was already quite late but I figured we could talk some before I had to go to bed. At one point I mentioned that I can’t stand typing. Shock, I know, considering I do so much of it and that I have a tendency to write extremely long blog posts. I told him I prefer to use Skype as that way I can just talk and it frees me up to do other things. Like hang up the laundry. :p

Of course after I mentioned that he kept asking for it. I told him no, and that it’s too late anyway. I had to go to bed in like 30 minutes. He kept asking every now and then during our talk so eventually I told him “maybe tomorrow, we’ll see”. Well the next day we talked some more and I did wind up giving him my Skype name in the end.

So we call each other and turn on the webcams. Now in the pictures on his dating profile he still had short hair but apparently he had let it grow as it was now shoulder length. I know it sounds like a cliché but long hair on guys is a turn on for me. I love hair; bald guys usually don’t do it for me. He looked kind of handsome in sort of a devious way, if that makes any sense at all.

So we talked. We talked a lot because I completely destroyed my schedule and went to bed at 6am. We had talked for hours! Things seemed to click really well, we talked about anything and everything and it was never really awkward. He was obviously intelligent, which also happens to be a turn on for me, though I guess also somewhat lacking in people skills. The next day we both said we couldn’t make it that late again but we still wound up talking until it was like 5.30 in the morning.

What I have neglected to mention up to this point is his age. No, he’s not 65. In fact, he’s 24. Ten years younger than me. He’s in school, studying computer programming or some shit, and on the weekends he drives a taxi cab for 12 hours a day. All this didn’t leave much free time and most of it was spent sleeping or trying to stay awake so he could go out.

We kept talking almost daily though sometimes he was too busy or too tired to do so. He mentioned that before me he had never had any real conversation with a transsexual before. It also wasn’t something he was ‘looking’ for. He just happened to come across my profile and message me.

Being so young and never having had any true interaction with a girl like me he said he didn’t know if this could work. He didn’t know if he could handle it. He said he wanted to try and explore this further but that he could make no promises as he didn’t know if it was something he could get over or it would be something that would keep nagging at his brain. As he talked to me he did say I was “just a girl” but that doesn’t change the fact there are some ‘anatomical differences’ that can be deal breakers for some people.

I cannot fault him for that so I didn’t. Some people get stuck on the physical differences and can’t get past that. That’s just how it is. Others just see the person inside and have no problem with it. At this point he didn’t know which of the two he was. But he did say he had every intention of finding out.

So I told him we should meet up. It’s a good way to get a better feel for each other and see how well he does in a ‘real life situation’. He had a short vacation coming up, this very week, so he said we could meet during it. I agreed but he hadn’t set an actual date yet, he said he’d get back to me on that one. …Yeah…

After that day he got extremely busy. He said there was a family crisis that took up a lot of his free time so if we talked for 25 minutes it was a lot. This went on for a while and I tried to be supportive. Though I admit that there were times I wasn’t sure if what he told me was the complete truth. I would feel like he was actively avoiding me. Maybe regretting he made those plans to come meet me and trying to back out of it.

Then this last Monday, the same week he’s supposed to come over, he messages me. Still saying he’s been busy with stuff and whatnot. So I ask him if he still planned on coming over to meet me because it was starting to seem unlikely at this point. He tells me he has “every intention of doing so” but that he has “no need whatsoever right now for anyone to bother him about anything” and then adds: “if this is how it’s going to be, then no, it’s not happening”.

Wait, did he just tell me that yes, he has every intention of coming over but no, it’s not happening? That doesn’t even make any sense! He then mentioned his good mood was ruined, supposedly by me asking that question, and just left.

It took a lot of restraint not to just call him a fucking asshole at that point. This also wasn’t the first time he left when there was an actual emotional response. People tell me, “Well, yeah. He’s a guy!” but that just isn’t good enough for me. Running away from confrontations or conflict is a very immature thing to do.

It was then that I started to realize that for some stupid reason I tried to ignore his flaws. Flaws that should have been deal breakers for me. As a friend told me, I just wanted it too much. Now, I already realized early on that this could never have turned into something long-term but just having some fun for a short while wasn’t something I would skip out on.

But this guy would run away from any emotional confrontation. This guy didn’t even know what true responsibility was yet; he didn’t have to worry about paying rent or the electric bill. This guy was still a child. Now that is something I really wasn’t looking for.

So I left him a message on Skype saying that his response was completely uncalled for. A huge overreaction as I asked him a perfectly valid question, especially considering the circumstances. It wasn’t until Wednesday night, yesterday, that he actually logged back in, for only a second, but the messages were delivered. He never responded, he never replied.

I was hoping he would, you know, at least apologize for overreacting like that but that would be the mature thing to do. My messages were delivered and that’s all I care about really. All that remained doing was blocking his sorry ass as I sure as hell didn’t want him to come over anymore.

I did realize after this fiasco that I really can’t be with someone that young. There may be exceptions out there but he sure as hell wasn’t one of ‘m. Now, I’m not saying that every 24 year old is immature. Hell, there are younger guys out there who are much more mature than him, and there are guys in their late 30s that are still quite immature. But, the lower in age you go the less likely it is to find a mature person.

I don’t have a problem with big age differences in relationships either; I mean, I’ve seen 10 year age differences work even within my own family. It’s just that this particular guy was being an immature asshole.

So, I’m still looking for Mr. Right… or Mr. Right Now. ;) Though if the right girl would come along I wouldn’t say no either, it’s just that I’m looking for a guy. Preferably one with a nice chest. :p I have met some nice guys but I am extremely picky. Even the dates I’ve been on weren’t all bad, some of ‘m were really nice actually, but there just wasn’t a click. Even for something short-term I need at least some sort of emotional bond.

So that’s the latest on my not-so-exciting love life. I’m hoping to have some happier news on that front relatively soon. I’m talking to a few people so who knows. :)

When I was about 15 years old I met a group of kids I started to hang out with. Over the years people came and went but a few core people remained. At one point it had changed so much that me and another person decide to quit hanging out with them and just do our own thing. That person then became my best friend for several years.

This person would start to play a big role in my life. Him and I would spend a lot of time together, just a few hours in the evenings at first but later on much more. Days and nights; basically our every waking moment was spent together.

It is not surprising considering that fact that many of my family and outsiders at that point thought I was gay. It was never really said out loud but it wasn’t a hard deduction to make considering I spent all my time with guys, no girls to be found among my friends circle.

In fact I only had one real ‘girlfriend’ a few years before this. Who I admittedly spent a lot of time with and my free time was often spent at her house. Thing is, to me she was more like a girl friend. Yes, I had given her a ring that she wore, but I gave it to her because of another guy who made advances at her.

One instance of that relationship I still vividly remember. I was with her, and a few other girl friends of hers, and it was time for me to leave. As I left and headed into the stairwell of the apartment complex I heard one of her friends say, “aren’t you going to kiss your boyfriend goodbye?”, at which point she ran after me to catch me.

I was down the stairs and I looked up as she called my name. She gestured for me to come to her and puckered her lips. She wanted me to kiss her. What I did next tormented and confused me for years to come.. I just smiled at her and left for home. I did not kiss her. I did not even have any desire to kiss her. Why? A teenage girl wants to be kissed by her teenage boyfriend and he just smiles and goes away.. That does not make any sense! No boy in his right mind would do that, yet I did. Things were never the same after that and it wasn’t long before I would never see her again.

Back to my best friend. We had a lot in common and a lot similar views of the world. We even shared our birthday and sometimes joked about it being “destiny” that we found each other. As time progressed I found myself wanting to be with him more. Feeling anxious when I knew he was about to show up and getting upset if he had to cancel.

See, I had strong feelings for him, feelings that went beyond regular friendship, but every time I realized I had those I would squash them down and deny them and block them. “I am a perfectly normal heterosexual male,” I kept repeating in my head. “It isn’t uncommon for anyone to have random thoughts or fantasies that in real life you would never pursue, right?”

So why was I jealous when he spent time with other people? Why did I get upset when one of us was away for a weekend? “He’s just a friend.. He’s just a friend!”

The answer is painfully obvious now. I was in love with him. I was in love with him but did my hardest to deny and subdue those feelings because I still insisted I was a regular straight guy. It was not possible for me to have any romantic feelings for another guy. As the years went on those feelings got progressively worse; stronger. I’m not sure if he ever truly knew but he must’ve had an idea.

Then one day, about five years ago now, he wrote me an email that contained a single line of text. It read that it was “all too much” for him and he could not be with me anymore. I’ll leave out the ugly details of what else happened that day but suffice to say that it completely destroyed me emotionally. I hit rock bottom and the next day decided to quit doing drugs, which I haven’t touched since.

So I was alone, for the first time in years I was alone and I didn’t really know how to handle this. Knowing what ruined my friendship with him made me run from my true feelings even more. I ran, and I ran hard.

Not long after I found myself in an MMORPG (an online roleplaying game) and I met a girl. She expressed interest in me so I decided to prove once and for all that I was a perfectly normal guy and pursue her. Sadly, she turned out to be an extremely manipulative bitch and seemed to love playing with my emotions. Since I was already in a very weak emotional state it didn’t take long for her to destroy me. Everyone around me knew it and told me I should let her go but I couldn’t. I was desperate. I had something to prove.

During this whole emotional turmoil another person returned to the same game. A woman I was already warned about ahead of time. I was told that she was an habitual liar and a deceiver. But it was this person that decided to help me out with the girl; figure out my emotions. This eventually lead me to drop all interest in the girl and, you may have seen this coming by now, get involved with the woman instead.

The first time I talked to her out of game, just online messaging at that point, I had to explain something. See, I have always roleplayed as a girl online and never corrected anyone if they asked about it. I was always much more comfortable that way even though I wasn’t sure why. I will elaborate some more on that in a later blog post.

So I had to tell her I was a guy. She assumed at that point I had to be homosexual because no guy acts like the way I did. I denied that and guess what came next? She asked if I was a transsexual. This I denied even more but she even sent me pictures of little transgender kids and told me there’s nothing wrong with it. I kept on denying it and told her I am just a normal heterosexual guy.

Flash forward about a year and I got married to her. Yes, I flew all the way to the US to get married to someone I met online. Why? I was desperate to prove something, remember? My family already had doubts. And when they saw her I’m sure many were wondering what the hell I saw in her, and that I could do better, but I was determined to show to everyone that I was ‘normal’.

Of course that relationship didn’t last and went straight to hell. In fact, during the time we were married my inner emotional struggle only got worse and worse. She would bitch at me for being more feminine than her. One thing I would constantly whine about is that girls got all the neat clothes and guys were stuck with the same old stuff. Girls get a billion dresses and guys get a single suit. When we got married I also insisted on getting a platinum engagement ring with 9 diamonds and a gold wedding ring with 9 even bigger diamonds in it for myself. What did I get her? A ring from Wal-Mart that was nothing special.

Throughout my life but more so during this marriage I kept saying that I thought “my life would be easier as a girl.” Even though I would say this out loud it would still never truly register in my brain. That is, not until the day came that she screamed back, “Well you can, you know!”.

After that moment, which was a moment of pure clarity, my life changed completely. Within days I told my family and it only took a matter of weeks until I went full time. Eventually everything started to finally make sense. My feelings, my frequent emotional outbursts, my depression. I finally knew who I was. I finally knew that I was a girl!

Now, I’m not a big fan of keeping things a secret, for one I suck at it, always having to remember what I can and cannot say just stressed me out, and for two I just plain believe in openness. I know I’m in the minority here but if I wanted my life to be a secret I would’ve moved before going through transition and possibly in hiding until I was done, or move again.

So I decided to put it in my profile. In the very first line I explain I am a pre op transsexual and that I’m still very much in the transition phase. This is also the only time I talk about it. I call it filter number one. Anyone who stops reading right there I had no interest in getting to know anyway. The rest of my quite extensive profile just deals what I’m looking for and what I’m not looking for.

After receiving interest from a bunch of people I have exchanged MSN addresses with several of them so I could talk with them and get a better impression. Which I’ll talk more about on a later date. Quick flash forward to yesterday: It was supposed to be my very first date. “Supposed to be” because the guy never showed up, then finally canceled about half an hour later than he was supposed to be there. Utterly lame but I guess I’m better off, huh?

So instead I stayed home, ordered pizza, and watched “He’s just not that into you” last night. Good movie, especially if you’re dating, it has some nice tips on how to read the ‘signs’ guys give out during dates. Or more importantly, how not to misread them. Mainly, it’s about one particular woman who thinks that every guy she dates is Mr. Right, then wonders why they never call her again. It’s a good and fun movie that has its share of comedic elements but is certainly not a comedy. I recommend it!