Here you are, born in a male body, hating it for as long as you can recall, hiding it from sight in every imaginable way and once you start transitioning you have to try and actually show it? You have to try and be happy with it? That is very, very hard.

From what I can tell by looking at old photographs of me, I was still happy until I was about 5 or 6 years old. because in those old pictures I was still smiling. After that, on the photos I allowed to be taken of me that is, the smile was gone. I really hated having my picture taken and I hated people looking at it (or me). I hated myself.

The following situation may sound familiar to you. When I had to go to PE class, if I went at all, I made sure to either get there early, or late. This because there was no way in hell I was going to take off my clothes in front of other people. If for someone reason I really had to I tended to duck into a corner and use my not-so-patented technique of changing clothes with an absolute minimum of skin showing.

Usually I already wore my gym clothes underneath my own clothes just in case. I would also never go without a shirt, always long enough to cover the crotch area, as did most of my clothes at the time. Many times I would not show up or pretend to be sick. The mere thought of someone looking at my body filled me with fear. I felt ugly. I felt disgusting. I hated my body.

For years I avoided social events, cameras, and mirrors. Grrr! Mirrors! Mirrors are still hard for me, I still avoid looking at one at all costs unless I’m actually wearing make up, I don’t want to see this.. guy staring back at me. I hate him!

I made a rule. If I cannot look at myself in the mirror and say I look awesome I won’t step out the door. “Great” and “good” will work in a pinch. Any less than that and I refuse to let anyone see me. I am ugly. Don’t look at me.

Sometimes, though, sometimes you have no choice to go out anyway. Yesterday was that day for me. After I did all my make up and changed my clothes like 5 times I still could not say the words. In fact, I thought I looked like shit. But… This was a very important appointment, I could not miss it! I had to go out anyway.

It was hot, and I wanted to wear a skirt and flip flops but in the end I didn’t. I was too self conscious about my looks and could not get myself to do it. Despite them being all smooth and clean my legs and feet had to be covered up.

I made a promise to myself that regardless of what happened I would stay out in Amsterdam for a bit. The weather was great and I would be damned if I was just going to sit at home again, as always, and be lonely and miserable.

The entire time I was out I felt terrible. Already being nervous for the appointment, feeling low, lacking confidence I really did not feel good and I’m sure that showed and did not help my situation at all.

During the day in I was sure there were a lot more people looking, staring, and laughing at me than usual. This of course did wonders for my self esteem and I wound up feeling even worse. I’m amazed I did not cry until I got home. I’m still trying to hold back the tears as I write this.. and failing.

Looks matter. They matter a lot! Especially to people who are born in the wrong body. The others have no idea of how extremely hard it is to simply walk out the door, knowing that every single person you meet will KNOW and have their judgement ready.

They see the five o’clock shadow, they hear your voice, they see your adam’s apple, they notice it from the stupidest tiniest things that you are not even aware of. Everybody knows!

Most will see and judge people like us as a joke, an abomination of God, or worse. Failing to realize that we are victims of a cruel twist of fate and have to struggle through life trying to correct this as much as possible.

I am not helped by your ridicule or mocking. I suffer enough, just by getting up and looking into the mirror. I cry every day and night because of what I have to go through.

Please…
…stop!

You are hurting me.

Pictured on the top left is lipgloss and lipsticks, random brands, with the liquid sticks laying down. I use those the most, especially the Manhattan Lips2Last and the Maybelline SuperStay line. Next to those are my mascaras, I still very much love the Maybelline Define-A-Lash line, waterproof of course, but I also use others if I want a more dramatic effect. In front of those are my liquid eyeliners.

Then in the middle is my eyeshadow, I like having all kinds of colors to choose from and experiment with combining them. I still am very fond of pinks though. I use all brands but prefer Manhattan.

On the top right is my deo and fragrance of choice, BlackXS. Next to those are my various nail polish colors. A lot of shades of pink. My favorite brands are Maybelline Express Finish and Manhattan Quick Dry, but I also buy a lot of cheap brands for testing out funky colors like aquamarine.

In front of those is my blush and again I’m a Maybelline fan, and my liquid foundation that I currently swear by. Maybelline Superstay Silky that will last for up to 16 hours. It is the best that I found for covering up what I don’t want people to notice! It’s tough being a T-girl with pale skin and dark hair. I really need to get lasering done.

Anyway, that was a quick rundown of my most used stash. As you can tell I’m a huge fan of Maybelline and Manhattan. They’re far from the cheapest but for me it beats having to reapply my make up all the time.

I think it took me about 7 months to get the hang of this eyeliner thing. Okay, probably a lot less as I didn’t even attempt it for a few months.

It is harder than it looks! I exclusively use liquid eyeliner which I found is the only one that actually stays in place. If I use a pencil it gets smudged all over within minutes. I also have very thin eyelids so there’s not a whole lot of room to place the line. ^.^

Also used green eyeshadow ‘n stuff but unfortunately you can’t tell from this distance, lol. I’ll have to remember to take some nice close up shots too when I’m experimenting with make up.

Apart from the Maybelline & Manhattan mascara & lipstick, most of this was pretty cheap. Of course it does add up when you get to the register. ;) I did really need to expand my make-up collcetion though. It gives me more room to experiment (like, what colors look good on me/together) and more ‘practice fodder’.

Anyway, we spent a good while talking as I was a bit early. I left at 5pm and decided to go shop around a bit. Amsterdam has a ton of neat stores, and you can be sure that in at least half of ‘m there’ll be a sale going on. I was running low on certain make-up so I bought a bunch of stuff: High Volume Waterproof Mascara, liquid eyeliner, lipstick, gloss, nail-polish, etc.. Almost all Maybelline brand and one Rimmel, which got me a dangly thingee for my phone. Too bad it doesn’t have hole to put it on so I gave it to Sha. :P

As I am seriously lacking on proper jewelry to wear I figured I’d look for some of that too. I’m really fond of gold (colored, unless I can afford it) with sparlies! I managed to find 2 sets of earrings, a very long dangly one and a pair of heart shaped studs. All with lots of sparlies of course. Also got myself a necklace, similar to the one I’ve been wearing but in gold. This also has a heart hanging on it, I think it’ll go well with those studs I just got. The necklace also came with 2 small studs, kinda neat. Oh! And I got another pair of earrings, which are kinda heavy, I’ll have to see if I can make some pics tomorrow.

This was all pretty cheap and I got them from various stores, like Nana and Tovli. I checked out Claire’s but didn’t find anything I liked really. I still want my ears pierced again, above my current holes. That way I can wear both studs and danglers at the same time. Or just 2 pairs of studs when I feel lazy. :P

I’ve also been looking for a good pair of low boots for a while now, but I can’t seem to find any that I like (and are affordable), so I didn’t succeed in that department. I did pas a store which had a huge sale going on, all shirts that were on the big table were only 1,99 EURO!! I grabbed a few that seemed good, I figured if they’re too big for me Lynda can wear ‘m. Some of them are really… unusual. Almost 80′s style with zippers and safety pins. They’re kewl tho. :)

That’s it for today, oh except for to say that I went out today with a different foundation. I normally use the Superstay Silky liquid foundation from Maybelline, but I’ve been experimenting with the L’Oreal ‘true match’ liquid one. While it works it certainly does.not.last. At least it was dark by that time. :P Wasn’t a total disaster mind you, but certainly not something that’ll last the day. The Maybelline one lasts for 16 hours. Yet, I do have my eye on another foundation I wanna try. It’s a liquid-creme, also from Maybelline. Maybe I’ll have more luck with that one.

Ok, really done now, lol. TTYL!

- Julie