Posts Tagged ‘makeup’

Laser Intake

Today I had an intake appointment with Cosmedilight in Amsterdam. The laser hair removal place of choice of the VUMC hospital’s genderteam. They are far from the cheapest but luckily my insurance will cover it. :) I forgot to ask before I went there if they required me to show up without makeup or not. I kinda suspected not, but I put it on anyway.

When I got there I had to sit for a few minutes in the waiting room before it was time for my appointment. All the staff seemed very busy, walking back ‘n forth and looking for papers and whatnot but it didn’t take very long before I was called and lead into one of the treatment rooms by one of the skin therapists.

She started with giving me some basic information on the procedure, like how the laser heats up the dark hairs and the heat transfers through the entire hair until it reaches the follicle which will ‘boil’, coagulate, and over the course of a few sessions will be completely destroyed and unable to grow new hairs. It all sounds kinda creepy, and she said it would hurt, too. Like rubber bands being snapped on your face. Fun.

After more information that I already knew she had to do what I already suspected. Which is take off my makeup to get a good look at my skin and hair. She noticed that I don’t have many areas that need treatment as I have little to no hair growth on certain areas on my face. Which is good, it’ll take less time to get rid of it all, I suppose.

Since I told them I wanted to get both my face and my genital area done, the latter being a required procedure for gender reassignment surgery, she also had to take a look ‘downstairs’. I have to admit, I’m surprised I didn’t make a smartass remark when she said “this looks perfect”. Of course what she meant was that with my pale skin and dark hair I am a perfect candidate for laser treatment. ;)

The dermatologist came in, too, to take a quick look at my face and to get the paper I got from my insurance. They want to have an idea of how many sessions this is going to take. I was told in general it takes about 6 sessions; each session about 6-8 weeks apart. So it’s going to take a few months but I’m glad to finally be able to get this done. Of all the things that make me self conscious this is number one. There is only so much you can do with makeup, especially with dark hair and a skin complexion like mine.

The billing thing is kinda weird. The bill for the genital area (150 Euro per session) goes straight to the VUMC, who then takes care of it with my insurance. The bill for the facial area (280 Euro per session) I have to pay for right after each session, at which point I’ll get the receipt which I can then turn in to my insurance to get it back again. So I’m going to have to make sure I have those 280 Euros each time I have a session.

I was also prescribed a cream that I have to pick up at the pharmacist. This cream I will have to apply at least one hour before each session as it will make the treatment less painful in that area. And no, I’m not talking about my face. I am supposed to apply a thick (emphasized by them) layer of cream on the genital area and then wrap it all in saran wrap. Yes, the thin, transparent, sticky plastic you cover food with if you want to store it for later. I know there are people out there with that fetish but as many as I have I don’t think that’s one of mine.

My first session is in two weeks and they will be doing both areas each session. This will reduce the entire treatment time in half so I have no problem with that. I just want it gone. It is also important to get the genital area done sooner rather than later as the longer you are on hormones the slower your pubic hair growth will be and it will take more sessions to get rid of it all. Besides, no one wants hair inside their vagina. ;)

Looks matter.

If there’s one thing you’re going to be overly self conscious about as a transsexual it’s how you look and how others look at you.

Here you are, born in a male body, hating it for as long as you can recall, hiding it from sight in every imaginable way and once you start transitioning you have to try and actually show it? You have to try and be happy with it? That is very, very hard.

From what I can tell by looking at old photographs of me, I was still happy until I was about 5 or 6 years old. because in those old pictures I was still smiling. After that, on the photos I allowed to be taken of me that is, the smile was gone. I really hated having my picture taken and I hated people looking at it (or me). I hated myself.

The following situation may sound familiar to you. When I had to go to PE class, if I went at all, I made sure to either get there early, or late. This because there was no way in hell I was going to take off my clothes in front of other people. If for someone reason I really had to I tended to duck into a corner and use my not-so-patented technique of changing clothes with an absolute minimum of skin showing.

Usually I already wore my gym clothes underneath my own clothes just in case. I would also never go without a shirt, always long enough to cover the crotch area, as did most of my clothes at the time. Many times I would not show up or pretend to be sick. The mere thought of someone looking at my body filled me with fear. I felt ugly. I felt disgusting. I hated my body.

For years I avoided social events, cameras, and mirrors. Grrr! Mirrors! Mirrors are still hard for me, I still avoid looking at one at all costs unless I’m actually wearing make up, I don’t want to see this.. guy staring back at me. I hate him!

I made a rule. If I cannot look at myself in the mirror and say I look awesome I won’t step out the door. “Great” and “good” will work in a pinch. Any less than that and I refuse to let anyone see me. I am ugly. Don’t look at me.

Sometimes, though, sometimes you have no choice to go out anyway. Yesterday was that day for me. After I did all my make up and changed my clothes like 5 times I still could not say the words. In fact, I thought I looked like shit. But… This was a very important appointment, I could not miss it! I had to go out anyway.

It was hot, and I wanted to wear a skirt and flip flops but in the end I didn’t. I was too self conscious about my looks and could not get myself to do it. Despite them being all smooth and clean my legs and feet had to be covered up.

I made a promise to myself that regardless of what happened I would stay out in Amsterdam for a bit. The weather was great and I would be damned if I was just going to sit at home again, as always, and be lonely and miserable.

The entire time I was out I felt terrible. Already being nervous for the appointment, feeling low, lacking confidence I really did not feel good and I’m sure that showed and did not help my situation at all.

During the day in I was sure there were a lot more people looking, staring, and laughing at me than usual. This of course did wonders for my self esteem and I wound up feeling even worse. I’m amazed I did not cry until I got home. I’m still trying to hold back the tears as I write this.. and failing.

Looks matter. They matter a lot! Especially to people who are born in the wrong body. The others have no idea of how extremely hard it is to simply walk out the door, knowing that every single person you meet will KNOW and have their judgement ready.

They see the five o’clock shadow, they hear your voice, they see your adam’s apple, they notice it from the stupidest tiniest things that you are not even aware of. Everybody knows!

Most will see and judge people like us as a joke, an abomination of God, or worse. Failing to realize that we are victims of a cruel twist of fate and have to struggle through life trying to correct this as much as possible.

I am not helped by your ridicule or mocking. I suffer enough, just by getting up and looking into the mirror. I cry every day and night because of what I have to go through.

Please…
…stop!

You are hurting me.

My stash.

My current makeup stash. This is far from all of it but it is the stash I use the most. The location is temporary until I find a nice and decent dresser but so far no luck.

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Pictured on the top left is lipgloss and lipsticks, random brands, with the liquid sticks laying down. I use those the most, especially the Manhattan Lips2Last and the Maybelline SuperStay line. Next to those are my mascaras, I still very much love the Maybelline Define-A-Lash line, waterproof of course, but I also use others if I want a more dramatic effect. In front of those are my liquid eyeliners.

Then in the middle is my eyeshadow, I like having all kinds of colors to choose from and experiment with combining them. I still am very fond of pinks though. I use all brands but prefer Manhattan.

On the top right is my deo and fragrance of choice, BlackXS. Next to those are my various nail polish colors. A lot of shades of pink. My favorite brands are Maybelline Express Finish and Manhattan Quick Dry, but I also buy a lot of cheap brands for testing out funky colors like aquamarine.

In front of those is my blush and again I’m a Maybelline fan, and my liquid foundation that I currently swear by. Maybelline Superstay Silky that will last for up to 16 hours. It is the best that I found for covering up what I don’t want people to notice! It’s tough being a T-girl with pale skin and dark hair. I really need to get lasering done.

Anyway, that was a quick rundown of my most used stash. As you can tell I’m a huge fan of Maybelline and Manhattan. They’re far from the cheapest but for me it beats having to reapply my make up all the time.

Black, grey, and glittery.

I’m always in for experimenting with clothing and makeup. So today I wore black midsize skirt, 4inch gladiator stilettos, grey strapless tube bra & black fishnet top + glittery eye makeup & red lipstick.

Looking awesome!

Pink! <3

I think it took me about 7 months to get the hang of this eyeliner thing. Okay, probably a lot less as I didn’t even attempt it for a few months.

It is harder than it looks! I exclusively use liquid eyeliner which I found is the only one that actually stays in place. If I use a pencil it gets smudged all over within minutes. I also have very thin eyelids so there’s not a whole lot of room to place the line. ^.^