Over the course of the past few weeks that I started taking hormones my life was turned upside down and a lot of latent feelings that were always there but hidden were suddenly exposed. There have been some drastic changes in my emotional state so I haven’t touched this blog or even my Facebook and Twitter because the results would be incredibly chaotic and likely even not make any sense at all.

Some of those feelings are ones I have consciously squashed down myself over the years, some even forgotten I initially had them in the first place, but they have grown too strong now to do that so I had to let go of the hold I had on them and let me feel whatever it is that my soul wanted me to feel. Some of these feelings I expected, while others caught me completely off guard.

In terms of sexuality I think I mentioned before I was in heavy flux mode for a while. Right now I guess you can say that I went from straight to bi to pan to bi to straight (girls, both, any, both, guys – get it?). Though I have to add that it is my personal belief that everyone is at least a little bit bisexual whether they actually ever truly experienced (or acted on) those feelings or not. Many people have uttered the phrase: “If only you were a woman/man!” and my response to that is “What’s stopping you”? Really, why eliminate half the population if you think this person can truly make you happy? Go for it and see if it works out.

To continue on that subject it is now more apparent than ever that I have the hots for guys. It is truly uncontrollable and I’m loving it! There is more to this part of the story but I’m saving that for a later post. I’m such a tease, aren’t I?

I have been working hardcore on my schedule and I have to say I finally got it under complete control. Eating and sleeping at fixed times is not really a problem anymore. The times for eating will vary when I’m out of course, but I try to keep them as close as possible.

Adding to this I have also gained some much needed weight. As where a few months ago I actually hit an absolute low point of around 33.4kg (73.6lbs) I can actually say I am above 38kg (83.7lbs) right now. My minimum goal is 40kg (88lbs) but I’m trying for 45kg (99lbs) as my ultimate goal. Those 10 pounds I’ve gained are very visible too. In fact, it’s so ‘bad’ that I need to buy new pants. The 24″ wides I got are getting hella tight now. Even the skirt I always had to use a safety pin on doesn’t fall off anymore. ;p

From what I know from specialists and other T-girls it seems that on average you should not expect to see any significant growth in breast tissue until after 6 solid months of taking hormones. Well, after about 1-2 weeks I looked down and went “Holy shit! I have boobs!” and they are still very obviously growing. Of course, they are at like ‘pre-teen’ level right now, A minus minus, but they’re there and that makes me happy and well, more confident, too.

I have quite a few appointments set up in the coming months. Got therapy in a few days, taking my mom with me for the first time. Something I have been very reluctant to do but I know it needs to happen. Then there’s the intake for the laser hair removal in less than two weeks, I’m so glad to finally be able to do that. The VUMC hospital sent out a letter to my insurance to let them know about this and are asking them to completely cover it.

They also sent out another letter to the main office asking for a gender correction on all papers and cards. And I have a letter I can take to stuff like the bank and other insurance companies to ask them to either change my gender on all paperwork, or leave it out completely. I’m definitely making an appointment with the bank soon to do that part. I absolutely hate getting mail addressed to “Mr”. I just want to burn it. Sadly it will still require surgery to be able to change it in all permanent records including my birth certificate, but that’s still two to three years away. If only it could be tomorrow.. If only….

For several years I have been part of a community that was initially formed around the webcomic PvPonline. After the comic’s artist pulled the plug on the forums several users scrambled in the IRC channel I had set up for them and a new permanent home was coordinated there. Halforum came to be (now known as Halforums) and after a while I volunteered to be the technical administrator for the site. I love to code so this was a good opportunity to both do something useful with my skills and learn some new things along the way.

I transitioned while being a part of this community and have to say that they have always been positive and supportive about it. I have never had an issue there regarding my transsexuality and had several good opportunities to inform them when they had questions as well.

While these people have taken up a relatively good-sized chunk of my life I did decide in the past weeks that it is time for me to move on. I will help them make the move to a new forum software and after that I will take my leave. To be honest I have stuck around there longer than I should have, it is no longer a part of me but a part that I need to let go.

So yeah.. Many changes in my life, both big and small. Some expected, some completely unexpected. But I decided to not worry what I might suddenly feel, like, or dislike. I’m just gonna let it happen.

I know some people will have some difficulty with these changes and may catch them off guard. Especially from those close to me I expect to hear a bunch of “but you never liked/did that before”! Which is kind of the point, isn’t it? I am not that person anymore and you should thank God for that because I know that I sure as hell never cared for him.

Good riddance and hello new wonderful life!