Talking about a whole variety of subjects.

Three years ago today I stopped living a lie.
Three years ago today I started becoming who I really am.
Three years ago today I started transitioning from male to female.

It was exciting to finally realize the cause of my misery. For decades I had seen therapists, psychiatrists, doctors; none of them ever even hinted at gender identity disorder. No one saw it, despite the fact it seems so obvious now looking back.

Once the initial excitement wore off it was replaced with fear. “Now what? How the hell am I gonna do this? Just get some female clothes and start going out? It can’t really be that simple, can it?”

“Oh my God how am I going to tell my family? And what will people think? Am I gonna have to live a life of constant public humiliation?” Those were the kind of thoughts that were constantly in my mind.

Despite all these fears it was only two weeks later that I bought female clothes for the first time and told my parents about my plans to transition. And only two weeks after that I went out in public for the first time; to go to my first therapy session.

A week after that everyone knew, both on and offline. And only a week after that, seven weeks after I started transition, I went full time. I was determined to make this happen. There was not a single doubt in my mind that I had to do this in order to survive. To finally be happy with myself.

Then came hell. Months of agony as I was put on the excruciatingly long waiting list at the hospital in order to be able to even start the first part of the entire process: diagnosis. Add in the fact that in the meantime I was also going through a messy divorce and my life was far from the bliss and happiness that I was aiming for.

Fifteen months had passed before I was finally able to start the diagnosis process. For people to tell me what I already knew. That I was born in the wrong body. This entire process took ten months to complete. And it wasn’t for another month until I was able to start hormone replacement therapy. Well over two years from when I first started transition.

I’ve been on hormones for almost ten months now and soon I’ll be put on yet another waiting list which will likely take another year. This time for surgery. Some call it sexual reassignment surgery (SRS), others call it gender confirming surgery (GCS), and there are many other acronyms for the exact same procedure but I just call it surgery. It is the only one I am truly planning on getting.

By the time I’ll be done with the entire process it will have been well over four years. Still I am not one that considers surgery to be the ‘be all end all’ of my transition. In fact, in my opinion I already completed my transition well over a year ago. I have already been living the life of a girl, of my new self, for all this time and surgery will not change how I view myself.

I have a wonderful boyfriend, accepting parents, good friends, life is pretty damn good right now and it only seems to be getting better and better each day. :)

An intro to my vlogs. Something I finally started doing. :)

Excuse the crappy sound quality, I’m working on finding an alternative.

Some of those feelings are ones I have consciously squashed down myself over the years, some even forgotten I initially had them in the first place, but they have grown too strong now to do that so I had to let go of the hold I had on them and let me feel whatever it is that my soul wanted me to feel. Some of these feelings I expected, while others caught me completely off guard.

In terms of sexuality I think I mentioned before I was in heavy flux mode for a while. Right now I guess you can say that I went from straight to bi to pan to bi to straight (girls, both, any, both, guys – get it?). Though I have to add that it is my personal belief that everyone is at least a little bit bisexual whether they actually ever truly experienced (or acted on) those feelings or not. Many people have uttered the phrase: “If only you were a woman/man!” and my response to that is “What’s stopping you”? Really, why eliminate half the population if you think this person can truly make you happy? Go for it and see if it works out.

To continue on that subject it is now more apparent than ever that I have the hots for guys. It is truly uncontrollable and I’m loving it! There is more to this part of the story but I’m saving that for a later post. I’m such a tease, aren’t I?

I have been working hardcore on my schedule and I have to say I finally got it under complete control. Eating and sleeping at fixed times is not really a problem anymore. The times for eating will vary when I’m out of course, but I try to keep them as close as possible.

Adding to this I have also gained some much needed weight. As where a few months ago I actually hit an absolute low point of around 33.4kg (73.6lbs) I can actually say I am above 38kg (83.7lbs) right now. My minimum goal is 40kg (88lbs) but I’m trying for 45kg (99lbs) as my ultimate goal. Those 10 pounds I’ve gained are very visible too. In fact, it’s so ‘bad’ that I need to buy new pants. The 24″ wides I got are getting hella tight now. Even the skirt I always had to use a safety pin on doesn’t fall off anymore. ;p

From what I know from specialists and other T-girls it seems that on average you should not expect to see any significant growth in breast tissue until after 6 solid months of taking hormones. Well, after about 1-2 weeks I looked down and went “Holy shit! I have boobs!” and they are still very obviously growing. Of course, they are at like ‘pre-teen’ level right now, A minus minus, but they’re there and that makes me happy and well, more confident, too.

I have quite a few appointments set up in the coming months. Got therapy in a few days, taking my mom with me for the first time. Something I have been very reluctant to do but I know it needs to happen. Then there’s the intake for the laser hair removal in less than two weeks, I’m so glad to finally be able to do that. The VUMC hospital sent out a letter to my insurance to let them know about this and are asking them to completely cover it.

They also sent out another letter to the main office asking for a gender correction on all papers and cards. And I have a letter I can take to stuff like the bank and other insurance companies to ask them to either change my gender on all paperwork, or leave it out completely. I’m definitely making an appointment with the bank soon to do that part. I absolutely hate getting mail addressed to “Mr”. I just want to burn it. Sadly it will still require surgery to be able to change it in all permanent records including my birth certificate, but that’s still two to three years away. If only it could be tomorrow.. If only….

For several years I have been part of a community that was initially formed around the webcomic PvPonline. After the comic’s artist pulled the plug on the forums several users scrambled in the IRC channel I had set up for them and a new permanent home was coordinated there. Halforum came to be (now known as Halforums) and after a while I volunteered to be the technical administrator for the site. I love to code so this was a good opportunity to both do something useful with my skills and learn some new things along the way.

I transitioned while being a part of this community and have to say that they have always been positive and supportive about it. I have never had an issue there regarding my transsexuality and had several good opportunities to inform them when they had questions as well.

While these people have taken up a relatively good-sized chunk of my life I did decide in the past weeks that it is time for me to move on. I will help them make the move to a new forum software and after that I will take my leave. To be honest I have stuck around there longer than I should have, it is no longer a part of me but a part that I need to let go.

So yeah.. Many changes in my life, both big and small. Some expected, some completely unexpected. But I decided to not worry what I might suddenly feel, like, or dislike. I’m just gonna let it happen.

I know some people will have some difficulty with these changes and may catch them off guard. Especially from those close to me I expect to hear a bunch of “but you never liked/did that before”! Which is kind of the point, isn’t it? I am not that person anymore and you should thank God for that because I know that I sure as hell never cared for him.

Good riddance and hello new wonderful life!

Last Friday was my mom’s birthday. She didn’t celebrate it this time, so it was just a coffee & dinner thing along with my dad ‘n stuff. I didn’t have a gift for her and I should feel bad. I simply didn’t have the money for it right now though, August hit me harder than I had initially planned, but I’ll make it up to her soon.

We did go to the casino in the evening, even though I was already kinda tired. I didn’t play with my money though, I had none to begin with, heh, but we all had a few nice ‘big wins’ a few times.

Yesterday my uncle Ben held a high tea in a nearby Restaurant/Event Center celebrating his 65th (well, his 66th but he was too ill last year), which was fun. :) A lot of people showed up from both sides of the family and in the end there were about 50 people in total. As a gift from the family he got a scrap book with photos and notes from several family members recalling events they’ve shared with him.

I ate quite a bit; little cakes, strawberry pie, apple pie, a salmon sandwich (and I absolutely cannot stand fish but I wanted to eat it anyway), assorted chocolates and crepes.

My ex called me last Tuesday night to tell me that Sol got hit by a car. He’s one of the older cats I gave to her a few months ago. He’s a very sweet cat but also a hunter and scavenger. He likes to roam pretty far away from home and he had been spotted before crossing roads near the industrial area.

He was found I assume not too long after the accident and because he is chipped they called my ex right away. From what she was told and then afterward told me it didn’t look very good. He got hit on his hind legs and it was protrayed as pretty much a lost cause told that his back was probably broken but without an x-ray it was impossible to tell just what the damage was.

So over the course of the next few days my ex got photos taken from his back and taken him to see the veterinary surgeon who said it is possible to fix him up with an operation but that is of course not without its cost. The estimation was a couple hundred, much less than initially presumed but still a lot of money.

Sol broke part of his pelvic bone so he cannot stand or walk right now. I believe it was the right side that was broken and had shifted a bit. Apart from that he also has some minor and hairline fractures, but seemed in relatively good shape. His back isn’t broken, his tail is fine, and the main pelvic bone is intact as well so there’s a good chance he’ll recover from this but a much better result if he can get the surgery of course.

I saw him today and while it is very sad to see him locked up inside a cage it is not too small and he seems to be looked after pretty good. He’s not allowed to put weight on his back legs right now. He seems to be eating well from what I could tell and actually looked kinda happy. He loved getting attention from me and still purred a lot and bashed his head against my hands like he always used to.

Family and friends keep asking me if I notice anything yet from taking the hormones. Well, while it’s not always easy to tell I can say that in general I feel much happier. Though truthfully that is probably in large part due to the fact I no longer am in ‘purgatory’. The extremely long wait on getting approved was grueling and it feels good to have finally haven gotten through that process.

What I did notice is that I can be quite bitchy at times, and that I don’t really care that I am either. Also, while getting ready for my shower this morning I noticed that my nipples were painful to the touch.

I have also been working very hard on my eating and sleeping schedule, which you may remember has been hell since the day I was born. Well it is going much better. Again, the fact that I no longer have to stress out about my diagnosis probably helped a lot for my sleeping. While I don’t have exact times set yet I do try to go to bed between midnight and no later than 2am and get up between 6 and 8am.

Eating is actually going better too. I have set up fixed times for this. I have to eat breakfast in the morning at 8am, lunch at 1pm, and dinner at 6pm. I try to add a ‘snack’ between meals as well around 10:30am and 3:30pm. So that makes for 5 times a day. Which for me is like 4 times more than my usual from a few months ago. I take my hormones at breakfast and dinnertime.

I skipped lunch today because I was visiting my ex and checking up on Sol and I was really feeling that when I got home as I was all weak ‘n kinda shaky. I guess my body is starting to get used to eating at regular intervals. That’s good, right?

Last week I had my first appointment with the endocrinologist. We had a brief chat where he explained what to expect, possible side effects and such which I’ll get into in a bit. He also a did a basic physical examination like checking my height, weight, blood pressure and lungs.

Everything checked out okay so he then wrote the prescription for the hormones which I was able to pick up downstairs at the hospital’s own apothecary.

What I get to take is Cyproterone acetate (50mg tablets) which is a testosterone blocker and Progynova (estradiol) (2mg tablets) which are the female sex hormones. I take both of those 2 times a day, once during breakfast and once during dinner.

In about six weeks I will have to go back there. I was unable to make appointments that day as they told me they were swamped with scheduling all kinds of appointments so they were trying to figure all that out. They’ll get in touch with me when they figure it out.

There will be about four appointments total which they’ll try to keep as close together as possible. Apart from seeing the endocrinologist again I’ll also see my psychiatrist again.

They also want to do a bone density scan (which I’m not sure is new to the protocol or not), and I’ll get an ‘introduction’ to speech therapy. As far as I understood they actually have in-house speech therapists now, that’s pretty cool!

Anyhoo, back to the hormones which I am super excited about! :D

As every person is different the exact results of HRT can be hard, nay impossible, to predict but I’ll list what one can at least expect. There are of course also many other side effects that may occur while on HRT so I list some of those as well.

• Reduction in body hair. Or more specifically: reduction in the overall thickness and rate of growth. Facial hair will still need to be lasered away along with any other areas that might require it such as the genital area in preparation for sex reassignment surgery (SRS).
• Redistribution of body fat. Most discernible in the face, hips, et al.
• Growth of breast tissue. Tends not to start after about 3 months of being on HRT and takes about 1-2 years to fully form. It begins with increased sensitivity, especially around the nipples, and painful lumps. Several other factors play into the end result but it’s safe to say that most won’t/aren’t happy with it. I foresee cosmetic surgery in my future.
• Softening of the skin.
• Change in hair texture.
• Stronger and more frequent emotional responses. Both good and bad emotions, so this’ll be fun as I’m overemotional as it is.
• Reduction in libido.
• Reduction in testicle size.
• Inability to have or maintain an erection.
• Become sterile.
• The estrogen can help to prevent osteoporosis.
• Slight increase in the risk of thrombosis.
• Slight increase in the risk of breast cancer.
• Headaches.
• Nausea. Including vomiting.
• Depression.

And much more.

As I have only just started I’m not sure exactly what to expect beyond what I’ve been told and have read but I did warn some of my surroundings that my behaviour might change a bit or be erratic.

That was the very last thing I had to do as I already did everything else, like fix my financial situation. I am completely out of debt with the very generous help from the people of Halforums.com and several of the LGBT community. Who I cannot thank enough for helping me get through this. So I knew today I would have to hear something more definitive regarding my diagnosis and if I am going to be able to progress to the next phase.

So, nervous as hell I missed the bus I wanted to catch because it was a few minutes early but that’s okay as I scheduled this trip with a very wide margin. I get on the next bus and get the connecting one right after at the airport. When I arrived at the hospital I still had 45 minutes to kill.. Or, you know, spend in complete and utter anxiety. Having my hopes crushed a few times already this time I was prepared to hear the worst. Expecting it almost.

It hits 3 o’clock and my psychologist walks toward me. She’s on time, thank God. If I had to wait any longer I might have had a total freak out. We walk into her tiny office and play catch up for a bit. I hadn’t seen her in months. Then she drops the bomb on me. “I haven’t received the report from [psychologist] yet”. The report that was sent out and written last MONTH you mean? You have got to be kidding me. I damn near died when she said that. I fucking knew it! I knew that somehow things would just fuck up for me once again and I’d have to wait many more months just to have them green light me for hormone treatment because of damn paperwork!

She said I looked a bit down shortly after that. See, I didn’t actually say all those things I just wrote, I only thought them. So I tell her that I already expected to have to wait.. again.. She says “No, you won’t”. Bwaaahh?? Apparently she had talked to my psycho-therapist (who has the report in question) and she had sufficient information to bring me into the next meeting, which is on the 5th of August.

I was stunned. It didn’t sink in right away. We talked about other things and filled out some paperwork she’ll add in the meeting. The appointment was cut short after that, because well, she’s done, I’m done, no need to waste more time with idle chitchat. She took me to the lead of the gender team who promptly changed my medical record and changed my name to Julie Ann and corrected the gender to female. That was the point where I damn near broke down in tears. I know it is still far from a legal change but it’s the first time it was written down in an official manner. It was finally real. I am female.

He said he thought my name was very beautiful and made me a new hospital card which finally had the name on it I had been using for 2 years along with the correct gender. It felt like I stared at that for at least half an hour. He gave me the papers I needed to take with me to where I get my blood drawn. They do this early because it takes 3 weeks for them to get all the results. This information will be used by the endocrinologist to determine the dosage of the hormones and if there could be any possible complications while taking them.

While I haven’t been officially green lighted yet for hormone treatment thanks to all the papers I got them there is only a 0.03% I won’t be. The gender team will make their final decision on the 5th of August and call me and let me know either that Friday or the next Monday along with when I have to come back for my appointment with the endocrinologist, which should be mid-August. I’m finally done waiting.

In short: FAN-FUCKING-FINALLY!

Of course I am not there yet. First step is the diagnostic stage which normally takes about 6 sessions, all about a month apart. So yeah, add another half year of waiting before I will even be considered for hormone replacement therapy. So we’re looking at February at the earliest here for them to tell me what I have already known for all this time and label me with gender dysphoria. Bummer.

While I really do understand the need for the entire lengthy process as this is not something someone should go into lightly and it most certainly has a major impact on every aspect of your life and the people around you, I already made my choice last year. I am Julie. Period. There is no confusion, no wishing to ‘go back’ or thinking that I made a mistake. There is no doubt. None.

So to me, the waiting is sometimes grueling. I know I’ll get there, I know I should not even worry about that fact. Even my therapist reminds of that. I already transitioned. Most people who apply and get to this stage have never been out in public or even told anyone outside their immediate circle yet. Those are the things that they will work on with the people that reach this stage. The coming out part to family and work and such.

I did all that already. Everybody knows. I am living full time as me, Julie, and I even got rid of my ‘just in case’ bag of guy clothes months ago. Hell, its even hard to think of a time before my transition. It’s not just like that was a different person, it really was a different person; and I’m still changing more and more. When I first announced I was going to transition I said I would still be the same person. Oh how wrong I was. They say I can expect more changes once hormones start kicking into a full gear.

Anyway… To get back on track here. I met my assigned psychologist. She explained the procedure which I of course already knew so nothing new there. Other than that we just covered some basic stuff, did a quick rundown of my life and some of the things that were written down from my earlier visit way back in March. She’s really nice and easy to talk to.

You have probably noticed by now that each time I write about my visits to my therapist and such I don’t go very in depth about what was talked about. This is not because I don’t want to, it is because I was advised not to. Sadly, that is all I can say about it at this point in time. I will of course always speak my mind about the things that I can talk about.

After the talk was over I made three new follow up appointments, for October, November, and December, and also another one in November for a psychological test type thing. Having been nervous as all flipping hell over this thing I was glad it was over and also relieved that it went well.

We left early to avoid traffic problems, it starting at such an awkward time, so we ate something there and looked around a bit before heading to the hall we were all supposed to meet. I didn’t expect a lot of people to show up but I was mistaken. There were quite a few people there, both transgender and relatives.

There was coffee and tea for everyone and shortly someone came to usher us into an adjacent room which looked very much like a movie theater. Well, at least we were comfy. :) After a brief introduction the first guy started doing his slide ‘n speech thing. He spoke kinda softly so I don’t think my dad missed the bigger part of it, but the guy really only gave a general overview of the process in its entirety, from diagnosis to hormones to surgery.

The second guy was a lot easier to understand, it was an older man, bearded, that made the occasional joke. His main focus seemed to be around the hormones and how it would affect you. He also talked about the danger in acquiring hormones from the internet, and the poor quality thereof even if it is a valid drug.

When he was done we were told there was someone from TransVisie who wanted to say a few things. She was a transgender herself and I assume talked about how TransVisie is there to help both transgers and their relatives deal with issues or just find other people to talk to, beyond the more official places to go to. I say assume because she was so nervous about talking in front of people it was very hard to hear her and between every sentence there was this very awkward silence. It was a very sad display, she may have needed to practice this first.

Then it was breaktime and Lynda and I took this time to go back to the restaurant and find us something to drink besides tea. We decided on Dr Pepper and bought some chocolate too.

When it was time to go back there was one more person going to talk, which was a surgeon who, naturally, talked about the surgical procedures and everything surrounding that. They mentioned having been to Thailand recently and altering their technique somewhat. It was asked by someone if they also saw Dr. Suporn, one of the most well-known surgeons in this field but they said they haven’t been to his practice yet.

While I already knew most of the topics talked about it was still nice to hear it from the actual official source and it was of course also nice that both my parents now have a better idea and understanding of what to expect