The holidays tend to be hard on me, emotionally. And since my brother passed on and is no longer a part of these family events they only got harder. I have a tendency to be very negative and bitchy in the weeks preceding these holidays. I try to be happy, though. I try to be happy.

Anyway, my mom buys a lot of food for these occasions. We do a thing called ‘gourmetten’ though I guess it is basically just steel plate grilling. Whatever you wanna call it, it is very tasty and I tend to eat quite a bit. Especially for me!

After dinner it is also tradition to play some Trivial Pursuit. My dad is really good at that because he knows a lot of things about a big range of topics. Me on the other hand only know a lot about certain topics and practically nothing about topics such as sport and politics. Amazingly enough though, I won! :D

A few other family members were there too, all of which I hadn’t seen since I started my transition, including my grandmother. Not much was said about it, but I didn’t expect that anyway. They’re not really that kind of people.

One of my aunts showed me pictures of the kids and their kids. It’s odd. I don’t really see this part of the family much so there are huge lapses in age and lives. Makes me feel kinda old too.

So it was gonna be this huge social event with tons of people and I admit I was quite nervous about that. There’d be a whole lot of people who had never seen me after I started my transition so I had no idea what to expect.

Well, when the day came near I of course had to figure out what I was gonna wear. Luckily a few days earlier when I was out with my mom and my aunt, who just flew in from Ireland to attend this family event, I found and bought some neat clothes. One piece I was pretty sure I was gonna wear. I bought two hooded long sleeve sweaters. They’re short and cute. I got one in pink and another one in black.

At home I still had a cute tight pink top that I thought would look great with it and together with my black pants and bright pink studded belt I thought it would make an awesome look, which it did. My mom had some nice jewelry to go with it so I was wearing none in the pictures I took.

The party itself was great fun. Though a bit awkward too. One of the things I found out the past few months is that it is far easier to be myself among people who don’t know me from before my transition. I guess with people who do, namely family, I’m a bit too aware of the “but wait… he… I mean she.. was never like that!” thoughts they will have. I know I shouldn’t care about that but it’s still tough. It is easier with certain people than with others because I know they won’t judge me as quickly.

The place was decorated in a French bistro type setting and there was even an accordionist playing in the first hour while most guests were still arriving. Nice, and he was good, but we were glad he wasn’t gonna play for the entire night! There were spots to get food, even hot food, but I didn’t eat much really.

Later on the DJ started to do his thing and played lots of music to cater the crowd. Most of that wasn’t really my thing though. While not necessarily bad music it wasn’t the type I generally listen to. No Britney, no Gaga, no Avril, so not really my thing, lol. I did attempt to dance somewhat later in the evening but truthfully, I sucked at it. Feeling socially awkward didn’t help matters of course.

I made one big mistake near the end of the evening. While I had been drinking whine throughout the evening later on I was offered a drink by one of my cousins and dumb me asked for a cola-vieux. This wouldn’t be so bad if it was earlier but it was near the end, and when everyone was getting ready to leave I slammed the remaining part of my drink. It didn’t ‘hit’ until after we all left but long story short: I fell asleep on my mom’s couch and woke up a few hours later and walked home.

Yesterday started with me trying to figure out what to wear. Black of course, because it’s a funeral, but there were going to be a few hundred people there, many of which still hadn’t seen me as Julie so I had to choose wisely. I did not want to attract too much attention as this was the day we should all be focusing on my uncle and how much he meant to us. So while I really wanted to wear a specific black skirt I decided against that and wore my black pants instead along with a stylish black top.

The service itself was intense and emotional but also very beautiful. The eulogies, the music, the flowers, everything was as it should be. He would have been proud. I sat next to one of my cousins who, like me, lost a brother and has a tough time dealing with these events. All the memories and emotions surface and the pain you felt back then becomes tangible again. It hurts. A lot. She stood next to me when I did my eulogy on my brother’s service and now I was there for her. She really should’ve brought more tissues though; I had to give her mine.

Once the first part of the service was over the casket was carried outside while several people were holding flowers, guiding it as it were to the hearse. It drove slowly at walking speed with only one car behind it that held his immediate family. Everyone else, the hundreds of family members, friends and guests, walked behind them toward his final resting place; a local cemetery where more than a few of our family has been laid to rest.

When everyone arrived he was then carried to his spot, a beautiful spot that even has a nearby bench. All the flowers were placed near it and they had set up 2 big vases and a bucket of sand. This because he loved going to the beach and now everyone could grab a handful of sand and add it to one of the vases so he’d always have a little piece of the beach with him. A unique but very nice ritual.

A few more words were spoken and then it was time to walk back to the place we came from where there would be time to pay our respects to everyone and have something to drink. My cousin however, wanted to see the grave of two of our other cousins that passed away many years ago in a very unfortunate accident. So I figured we could take the time to walk around and find the spot, I had been there relatively recently so I still had a basic idea of where it was.

As we started walking back from where we came from we talked about a variety of things, our odd eating habits, weight issues, and she noted that I didn’t seem to need much comforting throughout the service. I explained that it most certainly did hurt but that most of my emotions were already released the day he passed away. I also knew that the backlash would come later.

After the entire service was over, my mom, my dad, and myself went out to eat at a nearby restaurant to try and unwind a little from what was a very emotional day. I don’t actually recall what I ate but I’m sure it was good. After dinner I was dropped off at home and that’s when it started.

I tried my best to go about my normal routine but it just wouldn’t work. Eventually, the tears came and I knew I had to leave the house. I put my boots back on, grabbed my keys, and left. I wasn’t sure whereto yet but just being outside already helped a bit. As I walked around I decided to see if one of my aunts & uncles were home and just as I got there and rang the doorbell they arrived in their car. Odd timing that was. It was already very late at this point but it helped a great deal to be able to talk to someone and let my emotions out. Once I got home I was so tired I finally crashed and fell asleep.

Due to the craptacular lighting it was *really* hard to take a good picture. Not to mention all I used was my phone. LOL – I tried my best tho. :)

Visit my Picasa to view the entire gallery. :)

Visit my Picasa to view the entire gallery. :)

We left early to avoid traffic problems, it starting at such an awkward time, so we ate something there and looked around a bit before heading to the hall we were all supposed to meet. I didn’t expect a lot of people to show up but I was mistaken. There were quite a few people there, both transgender and relatives.

There was coffee and tea for everyone and shortly someone came to usher us into an adjacent room which looked very much like a movie theater. Well, at least we were comfy. :) After a brief introduction the first guy started doing his slide ‘n speech thing. He spoke kinda softly so I don’t think my dad missed the bigger part of it, but the guy really only gave a general overview of the process in its entirety, from diagnosis to hormones to surgery.

The second guy was a lot easier to understand, it was an older man, bearded, that made the occasional joke. His main focus seemed to be around the hormones and how it would affect you. He also talked about the danger in acquiring hormones from the internet, and the poor quality thereof even if it is a valid drug.

When he was done we were told there was someone from TransVisie who wanted to say a few things. She was a transgender herself and I assume talked about how TransVisie is there to help both transgers and their relatives deal with issues or just find other people to talk to, beyond the more official places to go to. I say assume because she was so nervous about talking in front of people it was very hard to hear her and between every sentence there was this very awkward silence. It was a very sad display, she may have needed to practice this first.

Then it was breaktime and Lynda and I took this time to go back to the restaurant and find us something to drink besides tea. We decided on Dr Pepper and bought some chocolate too.

When it was time to go back there was one more person going to talk, which was a surgeon who, naturally, talked about the surgical procedures and everything surrounding that. They mentioned having been to Thailand recently and altering their technique somewhat. It was asked by someone if they also saw Dr. Suporn, one of the most well-known surgeons in this field but they said they haven’t been to his practice yet.

While I already knew most of the topics talked about it was still nice to hear it from the actual official source and it was of course also nice that both my parents now have a better idea and understanding of what to expect

Yesterday I went to a birthday party and I had a lot of fun.
A year ago those words would’ve never escaped my lips.

As I go through all these changes I am also reinventing myself; it’s not just all appearance, it’s also my personality, ..everything. I am slowly changing my entire life, step by step. This change in particular is a big one for me though, because the old me never went anywhere or did anything. Now, however, I find myself wanting yo do these things. Before, I wouldn’t be caught dead at a birthday party. Now, I am excited about going! :D

I am noticeably happier and a lot more comfortable with myself, and it shows. Which I think is making acceptance a lot easier for everyone else too.

So they are very positive changes and I am excited about it. Besides, I’m tired of being home all day every day. :P

Just a small update for now, I gotta go do some meddling with the website’s code. :P