Yesterday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance in Amsterdam. The official day is today but it was held yesterday in order to get noticed as much as possible. Which is still needed. A big part of this day is remembering the dead but it’s also to make the people more aware of us and especially the lack of rights we have all over the world.

People were to meet at the COC in Amsterdam at 3pm and at 4pm we were to leave to a memorial monument. Everyone who wanted to could grab a white helium-filled balloon that had a string with a tag attached. On those tags were the names of the transgender people that were murdered in the past year, their place of birth, their age, and their cause of death… If known, as not always all data was properly reported.

The deaths were often brutal. The ‘mildest’ ones were where people were shot in the head, but others died from multiple stab wounds, being burned alive, dismembered, decapitated, ran over and smashed with a block of concrete. It’s pretty horrific to realize that every other day this still happens somewhere in the world, and those are only the ones we know of. It’s a frightening thought. While I realize I live in one of the safer parts of the world (there are no reported trans hate crimes in The Netherlands since 2007) it is still a thought that lingers in the back of my head.

Once everyone had arrived at the monument there were several speeches held by people invested in the trans community. There was someone from the city council, the leader from the trans rights movement in the Philippines, and more but I cannot really remember who they all were right now but their words affected me greatly. A point was made to tell everyone to please become more visible to make people know we exist and deserve the same rights as any other individual. I cried during most of this which only got worse when the part was reached where everyone would go to the microphone, one by one, recite the information of the victim listed on the tag of their balloon, and let it go into the air. There were a lot of them. Too many. And as was made clear, they weren’t even from all the victims of the past year, that number is even greater.

The sadness was overwhelming but I’m still glad I went. I’m also glad my boyfriend was with me because there is no way I could have gone through all of this on my own. It definitely left an impact.

I was in Amsterdam again after a therapy session and was headed downtown to get something to eat. It was pretty crowded because the weather was good so I was looking for someplace quiet.

While I was walking toward my first choice (Subway, gotta love ‘m) I decided to cut through an alley as it would save me a minute of walking through the mass of people. As I was headed in there though I had this unnerving feeling that I was being followed but shrugged it off as being paranoid. Still, it was a scary feeling so I picked up the pace some and walked around the corner straight unto the next main street filled with people again.

The same shoes I saw in my periphal vision while walking into the alley were still there, getting closer. Still, it is not uncommon for other people to take shortcuts too, right? I mean, I did. That’s when it started getting really creepy because he picked up the pace and started walking next to me. I kept my sight forward and hoped I was just imagining things. Maybe he was just on his way somewhere, just like I was.

Sadly, I wasn’t imagining things because while walking next to me he started talking. He said something along the lines of “Nice tattoos! What do they mean?” and then gave me some obviously made up story of how he is a professional photographer that takes pictures of tattoos. Of course he didn’t even have a camera with him.

He then asked if he could take some pictures of my tats sometime. So I said “I dunno, can I see your credentials?” He then gave me a name I can’t remember and said he was from Italy (he was talking English in a very obvious Dutch accent) and had 7 sisters and 3 brothers. So I asked him what their names were. “Uh….. I… I.. uh.. I don’t see ‘m a lot, you know?”.

I told him he was a liar and I had no interest in him but he didn’t stop. He then said I was right, that he was lying, that he in fact has one sister and that she lives around here and I could always call her and ask her about him. But that she would probably think that was strange.

Once again I told him not to bother me as I have no interest in someone who introduces himself with a pack of lies. You’d think he’d quit there but he actually tried to get me to come along for a drink with him. Uh, no? He kept asking but by the third or fourth time I hit the big square and then he threw his arms into the air, walked off, and shouted something unintelligible at me.

It took a few minutes for me to realize exactly what had happened and what that guy was trying to do. Imagining the things that could have happened made me aware that I had become a walking target for some people. A potential victim. This made me realize I really need to start looking into self defense classes.

This kinda stuff is new to me, and similar things have been happening lately. It is unsettling.

Addendum: I should mention that I was approached again last Friday while I was sitting down on a small brick wall and messing with my cell phone. An older guy sat next to me and just started talking. He seemed genuinely friendly at first but later in the conversation he did want me to come over to his house to which I respectfully declined.

So far I have had to cancel two appointments with the hospital to finish up diagnosis because all they want is a paper from another psychiatrist Of course they had a waiting list too so that means I had been set back for 2 months. :( They don’t want to see me at the hospital anymore until they have gotten their copy of that paper because in their own words they are “done with their diagnosis”. They only want that paper because in their (monthly) meetings with the gender team questions from the others (surgeons, endocrinologist, etc..) are sure to arise about the numerous things that are on my medical profile.

So last week, 1 day after I had to cancel another appointment at the hospital, I finally got to see that psychiatrist (and a psychologist too) who is for one known at the gender team and for two his opinions is apparently being held in high regard all over. He’s some kind of psycho-celebrity.. wait, that doesn’t sound right. Anyway, this is the guy that can actually overrule all previous diagnoses so I can literally have a ‘clean slate’ again.

That talk went really well and they already concluded I don’t have any psychological problems that would hinder my advancement in the program, nor have any eating disorders like bulimia or anorexia. They do, however, want to see me one more time to try and figure out how some of the past psychiatrists et al I’ve seen came to their sometimes bizarre conclusions.

They wanted to do this 2 weeks later, which would have been on the 1st of July which is also the date when the hospital has their monthly meetings. That would mean I’d have to wait yet another month and after having canceled so many already I don’t even have one set for August. The waiting list is excruciatingly long which is why I always had appointments set 3-4 months in advance. They even told me its better to cancel than not having an appointment at all.

So I managed to have them change it to only 1 week later, which is tomorrow, and yes, I’m freaking out! I have to be there relatively early (11:45am) which with my schedule being messed up and needing to take a bus, a train, and another bus requires me to be awake very early and pray there are no traffic accidents!

After this the reports will go to the hospital and my other psycho-therapist and they can finally bring me up in their damn meeting. I am not scared about the actual diagnosis part as everyone I have seen already told me I have a 99.99% chance to be greenlighted.

When that is done I should hear from them soon about taking a blood sample and checking in with the endocrinologist. AND the official diagnosis papers will go to my GP and health insurance company. That means I can finally do some of the things I wanted to do but could not pay for! God knows I want to get lasered so bad!

Anyway, having like zero trans-contacts in my own damn country I decided to give it a shot. I checked their website only to find out the next meeting was merely days away. This made me nervous as I don’t do well with deadlines, self-imposed or otherwise.

I really wanted to try this so I sent them an email asking what the procedure was for attending for the first time and got a (long) reply back saying it was perfectly fine to just drop by though this specific time was going to be a little different. They were having a barbecue and there would be no speaker this time around. This sounded pretty good to me, so my mind was made up and I was going to go.

Now, what to wear? I considered going Goth, not for shock value but because it makes me feel comfortable, but it was a very hot and sunny day so I decided to go with the black and pink look instead. It’s a look I have become skilled in pulling off so I figured that would be best. Also for any possible makeup fixings throughout the day.

Getting there was a drag, relying on public transport really sucks and the bus ride especially is the worst part. It takes forever. A woman stepped on the bus a few stops later and sat in the seat in front of me. Now, I would swear she was also a transsexual and I figured on her way to the meeting as well but a few stops later she got off the bus. Maybe I was projecting because it was in my mind but I was dead sure. Odd.

When I finally got to Transvisie I was briefly introduced to everyone. There were probably about 30 people there, of all ages and sizes (heh), though I couldn’t help feeling like the kid at a grown ups party. This feeling didn’t go away at all throughout the entire thing. Not uncommon for me as I’m far from a normal person, and not because I am a transsexual either. I’m quite weird by nature and somewhat childlike (more on this in a later blog entry).

I did talk to a bunch of people but for a large part stood outside at the actual barbecue and talked to the people there and the ones smoking around the corner. In fact, most of my actual conversations where with the foreigners. Typical. I did not manage to make a single noteworthy connection to anyone at all though.

Not because I didn’t try, but because they were simply not my kind of people. I don’t really fit in. There were a few exceptions but I didn’t get to talk to them enough. Maybe another time as I do plan on going back every once in a while, just to see who else might show up. If I can make only one friend it would be nice.

There were a few that remembered me from the Transgender information evening a few months ago. Some even asked if the girl I was with was my girlfriend, because we were holding hands and stuff. Realizing they were talking about my daughter Lynda I had to explain that fact to them and that I am well over twice her age. Though I took it as a compliment. What woman minds people thinking you are younger than you really are?

So was it a failure? Not entirely. I did go and once again overcame one of my fears. Which is something I have been actively working on for a while now. Did I gain something out of it though? Hardly. Honestly, in that respect it was a total disaster and a complete waste of time. I’m sure for a lot of them it’s a great thing, and they enjoy being together and socialize but I myself need something different. What that is I do not know exactly yet but I am determined to find out.

After all was done and I went on my way home I had this feeling of dread come over me. I did not want to go home. I’m tired of being home all the damn time, it’s not where I want to be.

Now I’m sure you are all screaming “So go do something!” but the fact is that for one, I am poor, extremely so, and for two, the places near me that I could go out to suck immensely. They are filled with, again, not my kind of people. Third, if I went to some place out in the city it would mean having to leave at a stupidly early hour because I rely on public transport and got to catch that last bus. Sucks when most good stuff doesn’t start until 9 or 10 at night. This is where I consider moving to the city again, or at the very least get a boyfriend with a car.

The bus driver on the way home very overtly hit on me though, that felt good. When I got home though, I cried. Emotional overload. I was alone. Again. As always. I hate it!

We left early to avoid traffic problems, it starting at such an awkward time, so we ate something there and looked around a bit before heading to the hall we were all supposed to meet. I didn’t expect a lot of people to show up but I was mistaken. There were quite a few people there, both transgender and relatives.

There was coffee and tea for everyone and shortly someone came to usher us into an adjacent room which looked very much like a movie theater. Well, at least we were comfy. :) After a brief introduction the first guy started doing his slide ‘n speech thing. He spoke kinda softly so I don’t think my dad missed the bigger part of it, but the guy really only gave a general overview of the process in its entirety, from diagnosis to hormones to surgery.

The second guy was a lot easier to understand, it was an older man, bearded, that made the occasional joke. His main focus seemed to be around the hormones and how it would affect you. He also talked about the danger in acquiring hormones from the internet, and the poor quality thereof even if it is a valid drug.

When he was done we were told there was someone from TransVisie who wanted to say a few things. She was a transgender herself and I assume talked about how TransVisie is there to help both transgers and their relatives deal with issues or just find other people to talk to, beyond the more official places to go to. I say assume because she was so nervous about talking in front of people it was very hard to hear her and between every sentence there was this very awkward silence. It was a very sad display, she may have needed to practice this first.

Then it was breaktime and Lynda and I took this time to go back to the restaurant and find us something to drink besides tea. We decided on Dr Pepper and bought some chocolate too.

When it was time to go back there was one more person going to talk, which was a surgeon who, naturally, talked about the surgical procedures and everything surrounding that. They mentioned having been to Thailand recently and altering their technique somewhat. It was asked by someone if they also saw Dr. Suporn, one of the most well-known surgeons in this field but they said they haven’t been to his practice yet.

While I already knew most of the topics talked about it was still nice to hear it from the actual official source and it was of course also nice that both my parents now have a better idea and understanding of what to expect

See, over here in the Netherlands they are very strict when it comes to diagnosis and treatment of people who have gender dysphoria. Rightfully so of course, there are many people who claim or think they have gender dysphoria but it’s not uncommon that those feelings are misplaced or stemming from other issues. They may even just be a homosexual whose only way of dealing with it is portraying themselves as feminine (I’m attracted to men, so I must be a girl, right?). Of course I’m generalizing it a bit there, but that’s basically what they try to evaluate after your intake: How likely is the chance you do in fact have gender dysphoria?

Right now the waiting list has become so long they did early preliminary intakes. So essentially the waiting list still isn’t over. They did this to predetermine who should be on the waiting list at all; eliminating the odd cases I mentioned above. In effect shortening the waiting list for everyone else waiting for the diagnostic phase. This process will happen next month when the VUMC ‘gender team’ has their meeting and starts deciding who stays and who doesn’t.

After that I will still have to wait another 3 to 6 months before I can even start the diagnostic phase, which in itself will take a minimum of 6 months. So the earliest I can start my hormone treatment will be about a year from now. So that’s kind of a bummer but at least progress is being made. Besides, I have no doubts about me going successfully going through the diagnostic phase and such. All I got to do is wait and it will happen, I believe truly in this fact.

So today was an important day, that I was extremely nervous about, but it all went down without a hitch and I could further reaffirm that I really don’t have anything to worry about. I just need to be patient is all.

tl;dr version: Intake done, more months of waiting to be done, I will succeed.

We talked about a variety of topics, including a little about voice training, which is something I really need to work on. I’ll have to see if I can find a speech therapist nearby that I can go to.

Didn’t get a chance to shop as timing was awkward an stores were closing so at least I didn’t spent a bunch of monies this time. :P

Since I’ve gone full time I’ve had to face some odd things at times. Like the neighbor coming by with hs girlfriend at odd hours and going to my kid’s school yearly opening with approximately 700 other people, all kids and parents. Tough but I made it without a scar. :P

Life’s been rough in our home for a while financially speaking because we had been living on a single income for a few months and that wasn’t even enough to pay the bills so we started to dwindle deep into the red. We are back at two incomes now though so we should be able to get out of debt again eventually.

I have also been looking at possible educations that I can do, I found one a while ago but it wasn’t available yet, it just said “coming soon”. Well I got an email the other day that they finally started it so I’m gonna go apply. It’s an 18 month course for cosmetologist. It’s not the cheapest education around but I think it’ll be good for me, and it’s also a surefire way to get a job in the field later on.