Yesterday I went shopping for clothes with my mom in Haarlem. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve been to that city. What I was specifically looking for was pants, because I had to get rid of some as my butt had gotten too big (I know, right?) and bras.
Bras are really hard for me at the moment as my boobs are this weird in-between size (like A-minus) and the wrong ones can be quite uncomfortable or even hurt. They’re growing rapidly, though, which is awesome.
My mom was mostly looking for shoes and has been having a hard time finding good ones. She has even smaller feet than me which makes it very hard to shop for shoes. Most stores will not even carry our size.
We checked out a few shoe stores first and at like the third one I saw these really cool looking boots that I just had to try on. Once I got them on I was just amazed. Perfect fit. I had to buy them.
My mom wasn’t so lucky because every store we tried did not have the right shoes for her and the ones she did like were too wide around the ankle so there was no support.
We came across a Wonder Woman, which is actually where I get a lot of my clothes as they sell a lot of XS and often have sales. As soon as I entered I saw these awesome looking pants but they were 50 bucks. Not too bad but still a lot of money. We eventually decided to keep looking and if I couldn’t find any elsewhere I’d get those.
Not long after we wound up at the V&D, which is a department store consisting of about 5 or 6 floors, most of them selling clothes but also jewelry, DVDs and whatnot. This is where I hit the jackpot really.
To cut a long story short. In total I bough myself thee pairs of pants, a lacy pink and black bra & panty set, a cute fuchsia bra, sexy pantyhose, mid-high boots, a nightie, and a necklace.
My mom got a very nice looking jacket and also some jewelry but sadly, no shoes. Maybe next time.
Most of this stuff was already on sale and it also happened to be a special sale day meaning that almost everything you buy after 6pm gets another 20% discount. So we got a really good deal that day!
What’s that? My date? Oh, I’ll cover that next time, don’t worry!
We don’t celebrate Halloween in this country. Which makes me very sad :( Apart from a few clubs doing supposed Halloween-themed parties (which tend to suck) nothing is done here. No trick-or-treating, no decorated houses with gravestones and grim reapers, nothing. It sucks.
Luckily I did have something to do that day as it also happened to be the day of the Gothic and Fantasy Fair this year. It was two days actually, Saturday and Sunday, but I only went the Sunday as it isn’t very close and OMNIA would be performing on Sunday only so the choice was easy.
It was all indoors so I didn’t have to worry about bad weather or anything so I worse my cybergoth outfit. Which, I have to say, I look so much better in now than I did a few months ago. I was too damn skinny back then. Sadly, I have no pictures at all from me at the fair as it was pointless to try. It was really crowded, there were shittons of people there. Though some guy did walk up to me and wanted his picture taken with me. He put his arm around me and had (I think) his daughter take the picture. Who knows, it might wind up on the internet somewhere.
I had a lot of fun there, there were a ton of kewl stands, nice people, and of course, good music! :) I love OMNIA so I made sure to get there early. As soon as I heard them do their sound check I went out there. Still had like an hour to go but with OMNIA you have to be there early or you’re gonna be standing at the back.
Their concert was awesome but I expected no less. The instruments did suffer a bit from the heat indoors so some retuning had to be done in-between songs. At one point it was so bad that Jenny had to go backstage to tune her hurdy-gurdy cuz she couldn’t hear and told the rest of the band to just play something else until she was done. They actually started to play Tenacious D’s “Fuck Her Gently” for a bit until she got back.
The concert was long and they played a ton of my favorite songs. Old ones like “Etrezomp Ni Kelted” and new ones like “Toys in the Attic” and my current favorite song, “Wolf Song”. So pretty. <3
Of course there was a lot more to do there than just watch OMNIA play. There were a lot of kewl stands with awesome stuff. I was mainly looking at clothes and hoping to find something nice. I tried on corsets at two different stands. As I wear the smallest non-custom made size it can be quite hard to find a good one. at one stand I found one that was just looked awesome! The model and size were perfect, but… it was blue. I’m looking for pink, black, or a black/pink combo. I do have her email address so she can look if it happens to be available in either of those colors.
I was also looking a lot at boots as there were a few stands that sold Demonia boots. I currently own two pairs of boots by Demonia but I want more cuz they’re so awesome. <3
Just over a week ago I had my first real session for permanent hair removal. I was nervous for several reasons. I didn’t know how much it was going to hurt, or how red my face would be afterward, and for how long, and the fact they were going to point a laser at my genitals. I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect to I envisioned one of those James Bond scenes where he strapped to a table and a laser slowly goes up between his legs. I kept hearing this line in my head, “No, Miss Bond. I expect you to die.”
Fortunately it wasn’t quite as scary as that, though it was a bit unusual. See, I’m getting both my face and my ‘downstairs’ area done at the same time. Once in the treatment room the nice lady told me to take off my pants and lay down. -What, no foreplay?- Now here’s the fun part. Before I got there I had to numb the area with emla cream and then wrap it in saran wrap. At least I found out that I don’t have a fetish for once.
Speaking of fetishes, she then proceeded to shave the area to which I found out that’s another fetish I don’t have. Wow! Two in one day? That’s amazing! When she was done it was time to start lasering. Some parts hurt more than others but overall it was very tolerable. A very weird feeling regardless, though. It felt like a whole bunch of needles being quickly stabbed into you and pulled out again. Intense, but manageable. Besides, it’s for a good cause. This was done pretty quick, like, less than 15 minutes, easy. So I could finally put my pants back on.
Then it was time to work on my face. This was fun. She noticed many of my hairs grow sideways which causes ingrown hairs and a more visible shade even after shaving. She suggested I should use an electric razor for now until treatment is completed.
She wanted to test out two areas first to see how I would respond to the laser. She did it on a not so dense area first, which hurt but was tolerable. Then she tried a more dense area, just one shot with the laser, and that hurt like fuck! I heard the singing of hairs as it hit and smelled burning hair. She was gonna wait a bit to see if there would be any major reaction so she got me a cup of tea in the meantime. It was obvious after a while I did not respond well to it as I had a bit of a bump where she shot me with the laser. So it was decided to use IPL (Intense Pulsed Light) instead for now.
So I was brought to another room with the IPL machine and had to wear black shades with which I could not see a thing except for the TL light on the ceiling. As you may have guessed this machine shoots out an incredibly bright light with intense heat, but it was far less painful than the laser. She decided it was a good idea to just try and thin the entire area out first so that once it was less dense I could go back to laser treatment.
This all didn’t take very long and after a while it was apparent that even the redness I did have was already subsiding. Good news, I don’t have to look like a burn victim for a week! My next appointment will be in like 6 weeks. I’m actually looking forward to it because the sooner this is done the better. Last time I talked about the number two on my list of insecurities, my voice, well this is number one. I can’t wait to be rid of it once and for all.
» Written version below the video. Note: It is vastly different than the video which covers more topics. «
So yesterday I had two appointments at the hospital. One was to get a bone density scan which I’m told is standard procedure for anyone on hormone replacement therapy. I had to take the top layer of my clothes off and lay down on a bench type thingee and have my feet rested on a high cube in order to keep my back as straight as possible. I guess I’ll hear from them if there are any.. abnormalities.
Then I had an appointment with a speech therapist along with an ear, nose and throat doctor. I had no real idea of what to expect so I was kinda nervous. I had to sit in the most uncomfortable chair ever which was situated next to a computer. They would later use this along with a long iron stick with a light and a camera attached to it. The doctor would literally hold my tongue as she put the camera in the back of my mouth. I had to make some noises while they would look at my vocal chords. It was recorded which they showed me afterward. It was weird. Apparently I’m also already in the female vocal range so there’s no problem there.
After a while they asked me why I was there and I told them that I felt too self-conscious about my voice. It is actually #2 on my list of things I’m insecure about. I told them that I mostly had the problems when I have to speak Dutch because I do so little of it, mainly only around family. Because of that I tend to focus more on my voice as I’m also translating making me feel less secure about my voice which causes tension and my voice gets worse.
This is admittedly a lot harder around people who’ve known me from before my transition than it is with people who didn’t. I always get the feeling that like family members are focusing a lot on my voice when I talk which then makes me more self conscious about it. If I’m talking to someone I just met it is a million times better as I don’t have to fear them making ‘comparisons’ or even criticizing it.
Both the doctor and the speech therapist told me I sounded feminine and that they would never mistake it for a male voice. They didn’t hear the typical male voice that comes from the chest. Articulation and everything was also fine. I said that was funny to hear because in the past I was always criticised for not properly enunciating but they told me they could hear every single word just fine.
They told me I could just go on as is unless I really did want actual speech therapy. I stated again that I would like to as I’m too self conscious when talking Dutch despite them telling me I had nothing to worry about. The only criticism they had is that I could use some improvement on melody and that at times I may talk a bit too fast. Though I think that last part was mostly caused by being nervous.
So they said they were going to look for a speech therapist with the necessary skills near me or in Amsterdam that can help me overcome what apparently is just all in my head and not my voice. Basically all I need to do is learn and accept that my voice is fine and stop being so nervous when talking. If I can do that I will be fine.
I have an active profile on a large dating site. I was a member of a few others before but after tons of insults and even threats I quit those. Now I’m just on a single one and the users there have been treating me fairly well, I must say.
Now, I’m completely open in my profile, which has been reworked numerous times. It states very clearly that I am a transsexual who is still mid-transition. This information used to be on top of my profile but I have kind of sneakily moved it down quite a bit so people will read about me as a person first.
So a few weeks ago I get a random IM from this guy. He was telling me that my profile was refreshing for being so honest and open. We talked for just a few minutes. Random topics, really.
The next day he messages me again and we talk for a few minutes much like the previous day. Music, people, whatever came up. This went on for a few days until he asked me if I had like MSN or something. Now, I have a separate MSN account specifically for this very purpose. That way I can get a feel for people before I decide to give them my real MSN or not.
So I give him my alternate MSN account and he messages me. At this point it was already quite late but I figured we could talk some before I had to go to bed. At one point I mentioned that I can’t stand typing. Shock, I know, considering I do so much of it and that I have a tendency to write extremely long blog posts. I told him I prefer to use Skype as that way I can just talk and it frees me up to do other things. Like hang up the laundry. :p
Of course after I mentioned that he kept asking for it. I told him no, and that it’s too late anyway. I had to go to bed in like 30 minutes. He kept asking every now and then during our talk so eventually I told him “maybe tomorrow, we’ll see”. Well the next day we talked some more and I did wind up giving him my Skype name in the end.
So we call each other and turn on the webcams. Now in the pictures on his dating profile he still had short hair but apparently he had let it grow as it was now shoulder length. I know it sounds like a cliché but long hair on guys is a turn on for me. I love hair; bald guys usually don’t do it for me. He looked kind of handsome in sort of a devious way, if that makes any sense at all.
So we talked. We talked a lot because I completely destroyed my schedule and went to bed at 6am. We had talked for hours! Things seemed to click really well, we talked about anything and everything and it was never really awkward. He was obviously intelligent, which also happens to be a turn on for me, though I guess also somewhat lacking in people skills. The next day we both said we couldn’t make it that late again but we still wound up talking until it was like 5.30 in the morning.
What I have neglected to mention up to this point is his age. No, he’s not 65. In fact, he’s 24. Ten years younger than me. He’s in school, studying computer programming or some shit, and on the weekends he drives a taxi cab for 12 hours a day. All this didn’t leave much free time and most of it was spent sleeping or trying to stay awake so he could go out.
We kept talking almost daily though sometimes he was too busy or too tired to do so. He mentioned that before me he had never had any real conversation with a transsexual before. It also wasn’t something he was ‘looking’ for. He just happened to come across my profile and message me.
Being so young and never having had any true interaction with a girl like me he said he didn’t know if this could work. He didn’t know if he could handle it. He said he wanted to try and explore this further but that he could make no promises as he didn’t know if it was something he could get over or it would be something that would keep nagging at his brain. As he talked to me he did say I was “just a girl” but that doesn’t change the fact there are some ‘anatomical differences’ that can be deal breakers for some people.
I cannot fault him for that so I didn’t. Some people get stuck on the physical differences and can’t get past that. That’s just how it is. Others just see the person inside and have no problem with it. At this point he didn’t know which of the two he was. But he did say he had every intention of finding out.
So I told him we should meet up. It’s a good way to get a better feel for each other and see how well he does in a ‘real life situation’. He had a short vacation coming up, this very week, so he said we could meet during it. I agreed but he hadn’t set an actual date yet, he said he’d get back to me on that one. …Yeah…
After that day he got extremely busy. He said there was a family crisis that took up a lot of his free time so if we talked for 25 minutes it was a lot. This went on for a while and I tried to be supportive. Though I admit that there were times I wasn’t sure if what he told me was the complete truth. I would feel like he was actively avoiding me. Maybe regretting he made those plans to come meet me and trying to back out of it.
Then this last Monday, the same week he’s supposed to come over, he messages me. Still saying he’s been busy with stuff and whatnot. So I ask him if he still planned on coming over to meet me because it was starting to seem unlikely at this point. He tells me he has “every intention of doing so” but that he has “no need whatsoever right now for anyone to bother him about anything” and then adds: “if this is how it’s going to be, then no, it’s not happening”.
Wait, did he just tell me that yes, he has every intention of coming over but no, it’s not happening? That doesn’t even make any sense! He then mentioned his good mood was ruined, supposedly by me asking that question, and just left.
It took a lot of restraint not to just call him a fucking asshole at that point. This also wasn’t the first time he left when there was an actual emotional response. People tell me, “Well, yeah. He’s a guy!” but that just isn’t good enough for me. Running away from confrontations or conflict is a very immature thing to do.
It was then that I started to realize that for some stupid reason I tried to ignore his flaws. Flaws that should have been deal breakers for me. As a friend told me, I just wanted it too much. Now, I already realized early on that this could never have turned into something long-term but just having some fun for a short while wasn’t something I would skip out on.
But this guy would run away from any emotional confrontation. This guy didn’t even know what true responsibility was yet; he didn’t have to worry about paying rent or the electric bill. This guy was still a child. Now that is something I really wasn’t looking for.
So I left him a message on Skype saying that his response was completely uncalled for. A huge overreaction as I asked him a perfectly valid question, especially considering the circumstances. It wasn’t until Wednesday night, yesterday, that he actually logged back in, for only a second, but the messages were delivered. He never responded, he never replied.
I was hoping he would, you know, at least apologize for overreacting like that but that would be the mature thing to do. My messages were delivered and that’s all I care about really. All that remained doing was blocking his sorry ass as I sure as hell didn’t want him to come over anymore.
I did realize after this fiasco that I really can’t be with someone that young. There may be exceptions out there but he sure as hell wasn’t one of ‘m. Now, I’m not saying that every 24 year old is immature. Hell, there are younger guys out there who are much more mature than him, and there are guys in their late 30s that are still quite immature. But, the lower in age you go the less likely it is to find a mature person.
I don’t have a problem with big age differences in relationships either; I mean, I’ve seen 10 year age differences work even within my own family. It’s just that this particular guy was being an immature asshole.
So, I’m still looking for Mr. Right… or Mr. Right Now. ;) Though if the right girl would come along I wouldn’t say no either, it’s just that I’m looking for a guy. Preferably one with a nice chest. :p I have met some nice guys but I am extremely picky. Even the dates I’ve been on weren’t all bad, some of ‘m were really nice actually, but there just wasn’t a click. Even for something short-term I need at least some sort of emotional bond.
So that’s the latest on my not-so-exciting love life. I’m hoping to have some happier news on that front relatively soon. I’m talking to a few people so who knows. :)
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