Last week I had my first appointment with the endocrinologist. We had a brief chat where he explained what to expect, possible side effects and such which I’ll get into in a bit. He also a did a basic physical examination like checking my height, weight, blood pressure and lungs.

Everything checked out okay so he then wrote the prescription for the hormones which I was able to pick up downstairs at the hospital’s own apothecary.

What I get to take is Cyproterone acetate (50mg tablets) which is a testosterone blocker and Progynova (estradiol) (2mg tablets) which are the female sex hormones. I take both of those 2 times a day, once during breakfast and once during dinner.

In about six weeks I will have to go back there. I was unable to make appointments that day as they told me they were swamped with scheduling all kinds of appointments so they were trying to figure all that out. They’ll get in touch with me when they figure it out.

There will be about four appointments total which they’ll try to keep as close together as possible. Apart from seeing the endocrinologist again I’ll also see my psychiatrist again.

They also want to do a bone density scan (which I’m not sure is new to the protocol or not), and I’ll get an ‘introduction’ to speech therapy. As far as I understood they actually have in-house speech therapists now, that’s pretty cool!

Anyhoo, back to the hormones which I am super excited about! :D

As every person is different the exact results of HRT can be hard, nay impossible, to predict but I’ll list what one can at least expect. There are of course also many other side effects that may occur while on HRT so I list some of those as well.

• Reduction in body hair. Or more specifically: reduction in the overall thickness and rate of growth. Facial hair will still need to be lasered away along with any other areas that might require it such as the genital area in preparation for sex reassignment surgery (SRS).
• Redistribution of body fat. Most discernible in the face, hips, et al.
• Growth of breast tissue. Tends not to start after about 3 months of being on HRT and takes about 1-2 years to fully form. It begins with increased sensitivity, especially around the nipples, and painful lumps. Several other factors play into the end result but it’s safe to say that most won’t/aren’t happy with it. I foresee cosmetic surgery in my future.
• Softening of the skin.
• Change in hair texture.
• Stronger and more frequent emotional responses. Both good and bad emotions, so this’ll be fun as I’m overemotional as it is.
• Reduction in libido.
• Reduction in testicle size.
• Inability to have or maintain an erection.
• Become sterile.
• The estrogen can help to prevent osteoporosis.
• Slight increase in the risk of thrombosis.
• Slight increase in the risk of breast cancer.
• Headaches.
• Nausea. Including vomiting.
• Depression.

And much more.

As I have only just started I’m not sure exactly what to expect beyond what I’ve been told and have read but I did warn some of my surroundings that my behaviour might change a bit or be erratic.

Day 1 – Friday
As Friday tends to be the quieter day I wanted to leave pretty early, around noon, so we would have plenty of time to walk around and see all the pretty things they sell in the little tents. Especially since this was Cat’s first time going to Castlefest I wanted her to be able to experience as much of it as possible. I decided to wear my cybergoth outfit I posted earlier this day. I had to take advantage of the sunny weather.

My mom had loaned me her little cart in which we could bring (cooled) drinks and a blanket and whatnot. The first thing we did was look for a good spot on one of the fields near the castle and underneath a tree we claimed a spot as our ‘base camp’ where we left our things while we walked around the fair. One of the many great things is that you don’t have to worry about things being stolen there as the general atmosphere there is very laid back and you’d even be hard pressed to find a single person that could be described as rude. We sure didn’t find one.

We sat underneath the tree for a little bit as we figured out how much time we had before Omnia would start playing today and then started roaming around stopping at almost every tent because there were so many cool things to see. Dragons, elves, faeries, jewelry, so many beautiful clothes which are often custom made to size and so much more. And of course looking at all the awesome clothes people were wearing, too. :)

There was a small stage set up where anyone who wanted to could perform. Be it by music, singing, or dancing. We sat there for a bit watching four girls in pretty flowing outfits dance to Omnia. After the guy responsible for the music managed to get it playing that is.

It didn’t take long before Cat got her first hug from a complete stranger. Of all people it was one of the Greenthingz; a Garbage Goblin. She walked up to her, said “Hello” in the high pitched voice they have, spread her arms and hugged her. Cat was a bit startled by this despite me telling her beforehand that this was fairly commonplace. Both the fact that the Garbage Goblins are weird and that hugs are given freely. I guess she found it a bit hard to believe until this point. :p

As we passed more stands a woman pointed at me and said “She could! I bet she could wear it!” and beckoned me over. It was a corset shop and there were various corsets set up on mannequin busts. One of which was extremely small and thin and they were apparently discussing who on Earth could wear such a thing until I walked by. They insisted that I tried it on to which I more than happily complied because I love corsets but finding one in my size is nigh impossible as I go below the smallest size you tend to find in any store.

The corset was taken off the mannequin and my hair was pinned up so she could more easily put it on me. As she was tightening it she kept asking if I was still okay and tightened it some more. In the end she got it tightened to the maximum the corset allowed for and she was amazed, as well as the people around the stand. Few people asked if they could touch it/me because it didn’t seem real. You could very easily put your hands around my waist. Price of this (custom made) corset: 450 Euros. Which is about 575 USD.

Cat saw a very pretty deep purple and black half bust corset and they allowed her to try that one on, too. It was wired in such a way it could be put on and tightened without outside help. Quite handy, really. Every single one of these corsets were completely handmade and sized for the person buying them, hence the prices. I was told that depending on the materials used and such a typical corset would cost between 600 and 800 euros (750-1000 USD). So very much out of our price range. Oh well, maybe if we win the lottery one day. :D

While the corsets we tried on of course did not match what we wore much and they were sized for different people it was still very awesome and we both enjoyed the feel of it. Cat mentioned she would love one that would actually strengthen her back more.

After some more walking around it was time to head for the main stage as Omnia would soon start to play. Cat had never seen them before and trying to explain them without seeing them first is tough as their music has a lot of sides and influences including Celtic, folk, pagan, Irish and much more. They describe themselves as a “neoceltic pagan folk” band.

They did their sound check which is always fun to see as it’s not your typical sound check and once they were about to start with their session there was already quite a lot of people there which is why I made sure to get there soon so we could be right at the front. :)

I didn’t take pictures of them this day as I just wanted to watch and listen as they performed both old and new songs. Their new songs included “Jabberwocky”, from a nonsense poem by Lewis Carroll (Alice in Wonderland) and “Toys in the Attic” which is about madness, the “attic” being the brain. This was immediately Cat’s favorite song which wasn’t very surprising. ;) She was an instant fan of the band.

Omnia has been releasing their new CDs on Castlefest and this year was no exception. Right after the concert they were going to hold a signing session so we jumped in line and both bought their new CD, which comes with a DVD of last year’s Omnia concert at Castlefest, and their new poster. Then we had to jump back in line again to get it signed. I had my CD signed and Cat had her poster signed. All the names above their heads. Luka is her favorite, who is very big and writes his name in encoded runes.

We then headed back to our ‘base camp’ to put our new stuff in the cart and continue to wander around until the next concert I wanted to see; Scrum. We watched the latter part of the torture of criminals and made plans to try and watch it in full the next day. We encountered one of Cat’s favorite characters, The Mad Hatter, so I made sure to take a picture of him with her. :) “CHANGE PLACES!”

Then it was time to watch Scrum who made their first appearance on Castlefest last year. We again made sure to get there well ahead of time to ensure a front row spot. Scrum is best described as powerfolk. Most of their songs are old drinking songs set to fast paced beats while using banjo, bagpipes and more. Cat wasn’t convinced at first but it grew on her after she realized it is not the music but the musicians themselves that make them so much fun to watch and listen to. Especially the lead singer Skottie who interacts with the crowd a lot. Cat waved a few times at the guitarist who even waved back at her.

The weather had been excellent the entire day so we were very lucky. We also met an awesome guy and his family at one of the tents that sold custom made renaissance outfits and dresses, he was very nice and it was fun talking to him. We also ate good (hot) pizza which was of course all made in the old conventional style; a huge metal oven heated by burning wood. But, sadly, the first day of Castlefest was now over. It was now dark and we had to walk home again and sleep and go back for more the next day.

Day 2 – Saturday
We had decided to leave a little later today as it was raining quite a bit i the morning. After checking the weather sites for today’s prognosis it wasn’t clear just how much it was going to rain later today, just that it was. Could be a lot, could be only for a few minutes.

Cat wasn’t sure what to wear so I loaned her some of my clothes. A black short top with long flowing sleeves (we were sorta matching tops this day), a black and purple spider skirt from Living Dead Souls (mislabeled as XS because it falls much bigger), and purple tights.

It was dry when we left, and we decided to keep the cart at home this time as we really didn’t have much use for it the day before and didn’t really want to drag the thing all the way there and back again.

When we got there we saw a pretty big crowd near the castle so naturally we investigated. :) It was Johannes the Jester. A complete idiot but in a good way. He did a few ‘magic’ tricks as well. He made a little girl from the audience disappear by throwing a cloak on top of her (“Tadah!”). Then later held the cloak in front of another girl who he very clearly instructed to hide behind the big potted plant behind him. He then moved the cloak away and “Tadah!”.. The girl was gone. Magic! :p

We watched some more mock swordplay battles (there was one guy who had a steampunk machine gun) while waiting for Scrum to perform today. We bought some nice and warm cheese fondue and sat down for a while. Of course at this point it had already started raining again. It wasn’t just a light drizzle either, it was literally pouring down from the skies. Everyone was soaked but it didn’t matter.

We watched Scrum, standing front row yet again of course, and they were great. About two songs in Skottie commented on the fact that he could see a lot of umbrellas and that he’d rather see their faces, and that it might block the view from the people behind them. He asked for everyone to take down their umbrellas and everyone complied right away. That was a cool sight. Everyone was soaked already anyway, it really didn’t matter anymore.

We had about half an hour to kill before the next criminal torture session was gonna start so we watched the other stage for a while that has a wooden dance floor set up in front of it. Despite the heavy rain there were still tons of people watching and dancing, it was great.

As we headed off to watch the torture being it actually stopped raining while he was setting things up and juggling heads. Sadly that didn’t last. About five minutes later it already started raining again but we watched the entire thing anyway. About halfway through the people behind us held their umbrella over us, too, so that was cool. :)

At this point we were really drenched and figured we could hide inside for a bit, at the place where the authors sell and sign the fantasy books. Of course we weren’t the only ones who had this idea and it was pretty crowded inside there already. After walking around there for a bit most people were ushered out into the hallway and we stayed there for a while. Trying to somehow dry up and praying the rain would stop.

Cat asked if we could just go home and watched the Omnia DVD as she really did not like the weather. I can’t blame her, it was very bad. I told her to hang in there though, and that it would be worth in the end to endure the rain. This night is Pagan Night with Omnia performing last during the wicker phoenix burning. Not something you want to miss.

When it was about time to start heading out for Omnia the rain stopped. In fact, the sky started to clear up and the sun was even coming out for a while, too. Good timing. Cat got some hot pizza and once again we ensured a spot on the front, this time near the right so we’d be in closer range of the wicker phoenix as well.

Jenny and Steve from Omnia joked that maybe they should start charging for their sound checks from now on as the turn out is always so good and people are already really into it. This time I took a lot of pictures of Omnia and a bunch of the crowd behind us. You could barely see anything except for an endless view of heads.

They played a lot of old and new material again and when it was time for the wicker phoenix burning Steve did his fire eating trick and ignited the torch that would start the burning while the music would get ever louder and harder. It was an awesome sight. It burned really good and after a while the rain of ash come down upon us. :p

Of course no Saturday Castlefest concert of Omnia is complete without Morrigan. They taunted the audience for a bit a few times at first but in the end they did perform it. They were really great and also had a few guest artists perform with them today.

Saturday is always the most busy day of Castlefest and, despite the heavy rainfall, this year was no exception. It was even busier than last year. At times you could barely walk or see through the massive crowds of people. The best part was that regardless of the bad weather everyone was still in high spirits, everyone was nice and happy. We also hung out at the guy we met the day before again for a bit as well.

Day 3 – Sunday
We left for the last day of Castlefest in the early afternoon and were thankful that this day it was sunny again. Cat decided to wear something a bit more casual today and wore her black pants with the black long sleeve shirt with the zippers on front and cut rips alongside both sleeves and back.

Omnia was playing early this day and when we arrived on the field they were just starting their sound check so we headed straight for the stage and yes, you guessed it, we got all the way to the front again. They played a few songs they hadn’t played before today, including “Sister Sunshine” which Steve dedicated to his daughter.

Once their concert was over, and sadly the last time we would see Omnia play, Cat really regretted wearing her long sleeve shirt. It became progressively warmer during the day so she wanted to buy an Omnia shirt to replace hers. Luckily they sold a very awesome looking lacy top so she bought that one.

As we headed out to do some more roaming I was suddenly tapped on the shoulder by huge claws. As I turned around I saw it was someone dressed up as Edward Scissorhands. He said he remembered me taking his picture last year, which is where he added he was holding a chainsaw. It was Ash! The guy I beckoned over last year now saw me walking around and approached me so I could get my picture taken with him. Awesome! :D

The only band I really wanted to see besides Omnia today was Faun and they would not perform until the very end so we had more time to roam around. Cat has seen a few things she considered getting the past few days (I had told her to not buy anything the first day to avoid impulse buying) which she wanted to look at again.

We encountered a guy dressed up as… I’m not sure, he kinda looked like Shredder from TMNT. He had very sharp claws and was posing for a bunch of people. We took his picture and then he walked up to us with arms spread and group hugged us. Not what we expected him to do. :p

One stand was selling handmade dragons you can wear on your shoulder. They looked very cool and while we both wanted one and they weren’t very expensive we had both spent our money on others things at this point.

Cat really wanted to switch shirts so I figured we could visit our friend again as he had a dressing room corner set up in his tent. We headed there and asked if she could which was alright by him. The top looked really great on her and she loved it. She was getting hungry again so she got some chicken piri piri which was very spicy.

We took a lot of pictures of visitors this time and also walked around in the Steampunk garden as we never got around to doing that the previous two days. Cat got to wind up a girl so she could continue walking again. :p

I got myself some very sweet mead (good stuff!) which Cat could not even stand the smell off. That’s okay, she had Coke. :) then we headed back to the main stage for the last concert of Castlefest: Faun, a German pagan folk/darkwave band.

It felt like almost everyone at Castlefest had shown up to see them, most likely due to it being the very last concert of the fair. They were very good and performed some great songs. About halfway through Vana Events and Castlefest crew started to gather right in front of the stage.

Shortly after, Oliver, the lead singer announced that in during their next song you might notice a little ritual that includes fruit might be visible if you pay close attention. One minute into the song people started to show up on stage dressed in fruit costumes. Grapes, strawberries, and even a banana! They then threw themselves into the crowd. Yes, there was stage driving fruit! :p They were carried around and then carried back unto the stage near the song’s end.

Then the end came and it was over. This year’s Castlefest had ended. :’( They were going to close the gates. We headed over to the Faun stand as they were doing a signing session too though we didn’t have anything for them to sign. Well, I remarked that we did have our mugs so I just handed them that and they signed it. :) So Cat did, too, and a person next to us thought that was a great idea so she wanted hers signed too.

We still had a little time to make one last stroll around the tents and stands and while I was looking at small rings at one of them Cat noticed their dog and called him a cute puppy. He came right for her when she did because apparently his name is really “Puppy”. Funny. :) I did find a ring that fit me, too, and it was now really time to get out of there.

Cat and I both had an awesome time and I know I will be there again next year.

Many more photos (hundreds more!) can be found over at my Picasa or my Facebook. If you are in one of my photos and want a copy just shoot me a message. :)

When I got there I had to wait for quite a while, they seemed to be very busy but when my turn finally came I was brought to a small room which was only shielded from the rest of the hospital by a curtain.

There I was told the entire procedure and were going to start with the anesthetic. They (Note: I’m using “they” and “them” throughout this blog entry as I could not see a whole lot and therefor could not tell any of the doctors apart.) informed me this was the worst part and that I won’t feel a thing afterward.

They marked the area that had to be cut open and then brought out the needle. It was scary. :( Putting in the needle was annoying but not particularly painful. It did take a while for them to finish though. Then they dropped some fluid in my bottom eyelid which burned for a bit.

Then I had to wait for 10 minutes or so for the anesthetic to take full effect. I could feel my eyelid swelling up, a very weird feeling. When it was finally time they brought me to another, bigger room and there I had to lay back in the most uncomfortable chair ever! Doesn’t help when you can’t move the headrest and you’re too short to place your head on it AND actually have your but in the seat. So I had to place my head between the headrest and the back… Guh.

I was then given more drops, this time in both eyes, but these didn’t sting. A clamp was used to hold my eyelid in a certain position and that bit did flipping hurt! It was secured so tightly that it became very painful and it was then removed and set looser thank God. It was still painful though. Whoever told me that the anesthetic was the worst part was a damn liar! :(

Then it was time to make the incision. This part I did not feel at all though the very idea of it made me a bit queezy. A ‘spoon’ was subsequently used to take all the crap out of my eyelid which was uncomfortable but the clamp was still the worst part. Blood started pouring into my eye which is a weird sight and feels very strange, let me tell you.

You feel so helpless when you’re i a chair like this. You basically have to surrender yourself to whoever is hovering above you. Be it a surgeon, dentist, or whoever. It is unnatural and it can be really hard to resist the urge to just lash out at the person hurting you.

When it was done the clamp was released and some form of ointment was put into my eye, dunno what, I did not even feel it. Then the big ass bandage was put over my eye and I was told that since everything went so well I did not have to wait for checkup as most do. I could go home straight away.

Damn, I really look like crap in this pic.

It will be swollen for a week or two but that should go down by itself. I won’t need to take any medicine or anything so that’s good, too. I can’t see a damn thing though. I have no depth perception which affects me more than I thought it would. When I want to grab stuff I keep missing.

I try ‘n wear glasses over this but it doesn’t help much, really. At least I can take the bandages of tonight and I should have pretty eyes again soon. :)

He said he was swamped but was about to make all those calls today. He also informed me I was accepted and can see the endocrinologist in two weeks! :D

Woo!! *excited*

Therapy tomorrow. He’ll be excited too, I’m sure. :)

This is my first attempt at a cybergoth look. I think it came out pretty well and that the alternating pink & black nails is a nice touch.

I wore the short boots in that last photo but I don’t intend to wear those with this outfit.

I feel the entire ensemble would look better if I dyed my hair black with pink streaks. I might still actually do this, not sure.

And no, I’m not bringing the guitar along. I just thought it looked nice. :)

Well, today, they finally arrived. Just in time for Castlefest! Now I just have to learn to walk in ‘m. :p

Clash 430 Gothic Platform Boots (low) & Concord 108 Platform Gothic Boots (high). Lots of adjustable straps, which is good cuz I’m kinda thin.

I was in Amsterdam again after a therapy session and was headed downtown to get something to eat. It was pretty crowded because the weather was good so I was looking for someplace quiet.

While I was walking toward my first choice (Subway, gotta love ‘m) I decided to cut through an alley as it would save me a minute of walking through the mass of people. As I was headed in there though I had this unnerving feeling that I was being followed but shrugged it off as being paranoid. Still, it was a scary feeling so I picked up the pace some and walked around the corner straight unto the next main street filled with people again.

The same shoes I saw in my periphal vision while walking into the alley were still there, getting closer. Still, it is not uncommon for other people to take shortcuts too, right? I mean, I did. That’s when it started getting really creepy because he picked up the pace and started walking next to me. I kept my sight forward and hoped I was just imagining things. Maybe he was just on his way somewhere, just like I was.

Sadly, I wasn’t imagining things because while walking next to me he started talking. He said something along the lines of “Nice tattoos! What do they mean?” and then gave me some obviously made up story of how he is a professional photographer that takes pictures of tattoos. Of course he didn’t even have a camera with him.

He then asked if he could take some pictures of my tats sometime. So I said “I dunno, can I see your credentials?” He then gave me a name I can’t remember and said he was from Italy (he was talking English in a very obvious Dutch accent) and had 7 sisters and 3 brothers. So I asked him what their names were. “Uh….. I… I.. uh.. I don’t see ‘m a lot, you know?”.

I told him he was a liar and I had no interest in him but he didn’t stop. He then said I was right, that he was lying, that he in fact has one sister and that she lives around here and I could always call her and ask her about him. But that she would probably think that was strange.

Once again I told him not to bother me as I have no interest in someone who introduces himself with a pack of lies. You’d think he’d quit there but he actually tried to get me to come along for a drink with him. Uh, no? He kept asking but by the third or fourth time I hit the big square and then he threw his arms into the air, walked off, and shouted something unintelligible at me.

It took a few minutes for me to realize exactly what had happened and what that guy was trying to do. Imagining the things that could have happened made me aware that I had become a walking target for some people. A potential victim. This made me realize I really need to start looking into self defense classes.

This kinda stuff is new to me, and similar things have been happening lately. It is unsettling.

Addendum: I should mention that I was approached again last Friday while I was sitting down on a small brick wall and messing with my cell phone. An older guy sat next to me and just started talking. He seemed genuinely friendly at first but later in the conversation he did want me to come over to his house to which I respectfully declined.

That was the very last thing I had to do as I already did everything else, like fix my financial situation. I am completely out of debt with the very generous help from the people of Halforums.com and several of the LGBT community. Who I cannot thank enough for helping me get through this. So I knew today I would have to hear something more definitive regarding my diagnosis and if I am going to be able to progress to the next phase.

So, nervous as hell I missed the bus I wanted to catch because it was a few minutes early but that’s okay as I scheduled this trip with a very wide margin. I get on the next bus and get the connecting one right after at the airport. When I arrived at the hospital I still had 45 minutes to kill.. Or, you know, spend in complete and utter anxiety. Having my hopes crushed a few times already this time I was prepared to hear the worst. Expecting it almost.

It hits 3 o’clock and my psychologist walks toward me. She’s on time, thank God. If I had to wait any longer I might have had a total freak out. We walk into her tiny office and play catch up for a bit. I hadn’t seen her in months. Then she drops the bomb on me. “I haven’t received the report from [psychologist] yet”. The report that was sent out and written last MONTH you mean? You have got to be kidding me. I damn near died when she said that. I fucking knew it! I knew that somehow things would just fuck up for me once again and I’d have to wait many more months just to have them green light me for hormone treatment because of damn paperwork!

She said I looked a bit down shortly after that. See, I didn’t actually say all those things I just wrote, I only thought them. So I tell her that I already expected to have to wait.. again.. She says “No, you won’t”. Bwaaahh?? Apparently she had talked to my psycho-therapist (who has the report in question) and she had sufficient information to bring me into the next meeting, which is on the 5th of August.

I was stunned. It didn’t sink in right away. We talked about other things and filled out some paperwork she’ll add in the meeting. The appointment was cut short after that, because well, she’s done, I’m done, no need to waste more time with idle chitchat. She took me to the lead of the gender team who promptly changed my medical record and changed my name to Julie Ann and corrected the gender to female. That was the point where I damn near broke down in tears. I know it is still far from a legal change but it’s the first time it was written down in an official manner. It was finally real. I am female.

He said he thought my name was very beautiful and made me a new hospital card which finally had the name on it I had been using for 2 years along with the correct gender. It felt like I stared at that for at least half an hour. He gave me the papers I needed to take with me to where I get my blood drawn. They do this early because it takes 3 weeks for them to get all the results. This information will be used by the endocrinologist to determine the dosage of the hormones and if there could be any possible complications while taking them.

While I haven’t been officially green lighted yet for hormone treatment thanks to all the papers I got them there is only a 0.03% I won’t be. The gender team will make their final decision on the 5th of August and call me and let me know either that Friday or the next Monday along with when I have to come back for my appointment with the endocrinologist, which should be mid-August. I’m finally done waiting.

In short: FAN-FUCKING-FINALLY!

So what exactly has stopped me from doing so? The answer is fear… I’ve noticed that my writing, the ones still solely on paper, have become more personal, more raw, and at times confrontational. There have been a few instances where people lashed out at me over some of my writings or even the photos I had added.

Now I can handle criticism but I don’t want to start any pointless fights. So I have been torn. Do I play it safe and keep it all inside or do I post it anyway regardless of the flack I may (or may not) receive?

I have gone so far as to consider adding disclaimers to several of them that might be ill-received but that probably wouldn’t even help any. So I have decided that I have to stop letting my fear get the best of me and to start posting them anyway.

I will say right now that I am sorry for anyone that will feel hurt or attacked but there are my feelings, my thoughts, and right or wrong I simply have to get them out.

Here you are, born in a male body, hating it for as long as you can recall, hiding it from sight in every imaginable way and once you start transitioning you have to try and actually show it? You have to try and be happy with it? That is very, very hard.

From what I can tell by looking at old photographs of me, I was still happy until I was about 5 or 6 years old. because in those old pictures I was still smiling. After that, on the photos I allowed to be taken of me that is, the smile was gone. I really hated having my picture taken and I hated people looking at it (or me). I hated myself.

The following situation may sound familiar to you. When I had to go to PE class, if I went at all, I made sure to either get there early, or late. This because there was no way in hell I was going to take off my clothes in front of other people. If for someone reason I really had to I tended to duck into a corner and use my not-so-patented technique of changing clothes with an absolute minimum of skin showing.

Usually I already wore my gym clothes underneath my own clothes just in case. I would also never go without a shirt, always long enough to cover the crotch area, as did most of my clothes at the time. Many times I would not show up or pretend to be sick. The mere thought of someone looking at my body filled me with fear. I felt ugly. I felt disgusting. I hated my body.

For years I avoided social events, cameras, and mirrors. Grrr! Mirrors! Mirrors are still hard for me, I still avoid looking at one at all costs unless I’m actually wearing make up, I don’t want to see this.. guy staring back at me. I hate him!

I made a rule. If I cannot look at myself in the mirror and say I look awesome I won’t step out the door. “Great” and “good” will work in a pinch. Any less than that and I refuse to let anyone see me. I am ugly. Don’t look at me.

Sometimes, though, sometimes you have no choice to go out anyway. Yesterday was that day for me. After I did all my make up and changed my clothes like 5 times I still could not say the words. In fact, I thought I looked like shit. But… This was a very important appointment, I could not miss it! I had to go out anyway.

It was hot, and I wanted to wear a skirt and flip flops but in the end I didn’t. I was too self conscious about my looks and could not get myself to do it. Despite them being all smooth and clean my legs and feet had to be covered up.

I made a promise to myself that regardless of what happened I would stay out in Amsterdam for a bit. The weather was great and I would be damned if I was just going to sit at home again, as always, and be lonely and miserable.

The entire time I was out I felt terrible. Already being nervous for the appointment, feeling low, lacking confidence I really did not feel good and I’m sure that showed and did not help my situation at all.

During the day in I was sure there were a lot more people looking, staring, and laughing at me than usual. This of course did wonders for my self esteem and I wound up feeling even worse. I’m amazed I did not cry until I got home. I’m still trying to hold back the tears as I write this.. and failing.

Looks matter. They matter a lot! Especially to people who are born in the wrong body. The others have no idea of how extremely hard it is to simply walk out the door, knowing that every single person you meet will KNOW and have their judgement ready.

They see the five o’clock shadow, they hear your voice, they see your adam’s apple, they notice it from the stupidest tiniest things that you are not even aware of. Everybody knows!

Most will see and judge people like us as a joke, an abomination of God, or worse. Failing to realize that we are victims of a cruel twist of fate and have to struggle through life trying to correct this as much as possible.

I am not helped by your ridicule or mocking. I suffer enough, just by getting up and looking into the mirror. I cry every day and night because of what I have to go through.

Please…
…stop!

You are hurting me.