An intro to my vlogs. Something I finally started doing. :)
Excuse the crappy sound quality, I’m working on finding an alternative.
Archive for the ‘My Transition’ Category
13 Oct 2010
Laser Intake
Today I had an intake appointment with Cosmedilight in Amsterdam. The laser hair removal place of choice of the VUMC hospital’s genderteam. They are far from the cheapest but luckily my insurance will cover it. :) I forgot to ask before I went there if they required me to show up without makeup or not. I kinda suspected not, but I put it on anyway.
When I got there I had to sit for a few minutes in the waiting room before it was time for my appointment. All the staff seemed very busy, walking back ‘n forth and looking for papers and whatnot but it didn’t take very long before I was called and lead into one of the treatment rooms by one of the skin therapists.
She started with giving me some basic information on the procedure, like how the laser heats up the dark hairs and the heat transfers through the entire hair until it reaches the follicle which will ‘boil’, coagulate, and over the course of a few sessions will be completely destroyed and unable to grow new hairs. It all sounds kinda creepy, and she said it would hurt, too. Like rubber bands being snapped on your face. Fun.
After more information that I already knew she had to do what I already suspected. Which is take off my makeup to get a good look at my skin and hair. She noticed that I don’t have many areas that need treatment as I have little to no hair growth on certain areas on my face. Which is good, it’ll take less time to get rid of it all, I suppose.
Since I told them I wanted to get both my face and my genital area done, the latter being a required procedure for gender reassignment surgery, she also had to take a look ‘downstairs’. I have to admit, I’m surprised I didn’t make a smartass remark when she said “this looks perfect”. Of course what she meant was that with my pale skin and dark hair I am a perfect candidate for laser treatment. ;)
The dermatologist came in, too, to take a quick look at my face and to get the paper I got from my insurance. They want to have an idea of how many sessions this is going to take. I was told in general it takes about 6 sessions; each session about 6-8 weeks apart. So it’s going to take a few months but I’m glad to finally be able to get this done. Of all the things that make me self conscious this is number one. There is only so much you can do with makeup, especially with dark hair and a skin complexion like mine.
The billing thing is kinda weird. The bill for the genital area (150 Euro per session) goes straight to the VUMC, who then takes care of it with my insurance. The bill for the facial area (280 Euro per session) I have to pay for right after each session, at which point I’ll get the receipt which I can then turn in to my insurance to get it back again. So I’m going to have to make sure I have those 280 Euros each time I have a session.
I was also prescribed a cream that I have to pick up at the pharmacist. This cream I will have to apply at least one hour before each session as it will make the treatment less painful in that area. And no, I’m not talking about my face. I am supposed to apply a thick (emphasized by them) layer of cream on the genital area and then wrap it all in saran wrap. Yes, the thin, transparent, sticky plastic you cover food with if you want to store it for later. I know there are people out there with that fetish but as many as I have I don’t think that’s one of mine.
My first session is in two weeks and they will be doing both areas each session. This will reduce the entire treatment time in half so I have no problem with that. I just want it gone. It is also important to get the genital area done sooner rather than later as the longer you are on hormones the slower your pubic hair growth will be and it will take more sessions to get rid of it all. Besides, no one wants hair inside their vagina. ;)
Posted in: Clothing, Make Up, & Jewelry, My Transition 
Tags: gender reassignment surgery, GRS, hair removal, insurance, laser, makeup, skin, SRS, surgery11 Oct 2010
Trans Activism
More and more I see T-girls becoming activists or starting groups because they are upset with how they and others like them are treated. Well, you should be upset, because it’s not just our basic human rights that are often infringed, but also the public perception is still very heavily skewed in the wrong direction.
What I don’t see is how you expect your Facebook group of twenty members to make an actual difference. What I don’t see is how simply writing a blog post bashing some politician is going to change their views. If you are honestly trying to change the world’s view of transsexuals and the transgender community in general I would suggest to consolidate your efforts and create a much larger group that can tackle major issues with actual legal and political knowledge rather than just saying “this can’t be right”.
Sometimes, I think that some of these people are only activists because they have been screwed over personally. Lost their job and unable to find a new one for instance. Yes, that is a terrible thing, especially when you know it has to do with your T-status, but I get the feeling some of you are taking these things a bit too far and putting all that much needed energy solely into a personal ‘crusade’ while losing track of your own personal transition.
Me, personally, have no desire to become an activist of any kind. I have no desire to join a rally, force myself into politics to change things from within, or join random little groups I already know will make no difference at all.
This is not to say I don’t appreciate what you are all trying to do, I certainly do, and someone surely has to step up and do it, but I see far too many incapable individuals doing so. Often hurting the cause far more than helping it. Sometimes things are worded in such a way it makes me ashamed to even consider affiliating myself with them. Please, leave the activism to the ones who actually know what they’re doing and if you want to help out join their group, don’t make your own. Splintering ourselves into hundreds of different little groups is only confusing the outside world and taking every one of our issues less seriously.
It is fitting that I should post this on National Coming Out Day run by the Human Rights Compaign but that was purely coincidental. It is, however, something I support as the same human rights should be given to everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. And the fact that many of us are still being screwed over and treated as second class citizens, both legally and socially, is something people should be made aware of. My heart goes out especially to the LGBT youth that have a hard time getting accepted. Too many commit suicide due to lack of support and bullying, which at times borders on pure sadism. Hopefully someday that will be a thing of the past and we will truly see equality.
3 Oct 2010
Letting go and letting it happen.
Over the course of the past few weeks that I started taking hormones my life was turned upside down and a lot of latent feelings that were always there but hidden were suddenly exposed. There have been some drastic changes in my emotional state so I haven’t touched this blog or even my Facebook and Twitter because the results would be incredibly chaotic and likely even not make any sense at all.
Some of those feelings are ones I have consciously squashed down myself over the years, some even forgotten I initially had them in the first place, but they have grown too strong now to do that so I had to let go of the hold I had on them and let me feel whatever it is that my soul wanted me to feel. Some of these feelings I expected, while others caught me completely off guard.
In terms of sexuality I think I mentioned before I was in heavy flux mode for a while. Right now I guess you can say that I went from straight to bi to pan to bi to straight (girls, both, any, both, guys – get it?). Though I have to add that it is my personal belief that everyone is at least a little bit bisexual whether they actually ever truly experienced (or acted on) those feelings or not. Many people have uttered the phrase: “If only you were a woman/man!” and my response to that is “What’s stopping you”? Really, why eliminate half the population if you think this person can truly make you happy? Go for it and see if it works out.
To continue on that subject it is now more apparent than ever that I have the hots for guys. It is truly uncontrollable and I’m loving it! There is more to this part of the story but I’m saving that for a later post. I’m such a tease, aren’t I?
I have been working hardcore on my schedule and I have to say I finally got it under complete control. Eating and sleeping at fixed times is not really a problem anymore. The times for eating will vary when I’m out of course, but I try to keep them as close as possible.
Adding to this I have also gained some much needed weight. As where a few months ago I actually hit an absolute low point of around 33.4kg (73.6lbs) I can actually say I am above 38kg (83.7lbs) right now. My minimum goal is 40kg (88lbs) but I’m trying for 45kg (99lbs) as my ultimate goal. Those 10 pounds I’ve gained are very visible too. In fact, it’s so ‘bad’ that I need to buy new pants. The 24″ wides I got are getting hella tight now. Even the skirt I always had to use a safety pin on doesn’t fall off anymore. ;p
From what I know from specialists and other T-girls it seems that on average you should not expect to see any significant growth in breast tissue until after 6 solid months of taking hormones. Well, after about 1-2 weeks I looked down and went “Holy shit! I have boobs!” and they are still very obviously growing. Of course, they are at like ‘pre-teen’ level right now, A minus minus, but they’re there and that makes me happy and well, more confident, too.
I have quite a few appointments set up in the coming months. Got therapy in a few days, taking my mom with me for the first time. Something I have been very reluctant to do but I know it needs to happen. Then there’s the intake for the laser hair removal in less than two weeks, I’m so glad to finally be able to do that. The VUMC hospital sent out a letter to my insurance to let them know about this and are asking them to completely cover it.
They also sent out another letter to the main office asking for a gender correction on all papers and cards. And I have a letter I can take to stuff like the bank and other insurance companies to ask them to either change my gender on all paperwork, or leave it out completely. I’m definitely making an appointment with the bank soon to do that part. I absolutely hate getting mail addressed to “Mr”. I just want to burn it. Sadly it will still require surgery to be able to change it in all permanent records including my birth certificate, but that’s still two to three years away. If only it could be tomorrow.. If only….
For several years I have been part of a community that was initially formed around the webcomic PvPonline. After the comic’s artist pulled the plug on the forums several users scrambled in the IRC channel I had set up for them and a new permanent home was coordinated there. Halforum came to be (now known as Halforums) and after a while I volunteered to be the technical administrator for the site. I love to code so this was a good opportunity to both do something useful with my skills and learn some new things along the way.
I transitioned while being a part of this community and have to say that they have always been positive and supportive about it. I have never had an issue there regarding my transsexuality and had several good opportunities to inform them when they had questions as well.
While these people have taken up a relatively good-sized chunk of my life I did decide in the past weeks that it is time for me to move on. I will help them make the move to a new forum software and after that I will take my leave. To be honest I have stuck around there longer than I should have, it is no longer a part of me but a part that I need to let go.
So yeah.. Many changes in my life, both big and small. Some expected, some completely unexpected. But I decided to not worry what I might suddenly feel, like, or dislike. I’m just gonna let it happen.
I know some people will have some difficulty with these changes and may catch them off guard. Especially from those close to me I expect to hear a bunch of “but you never liked/did that before”! Which is kind of the point, isn’t it? I am not that person anymore and you should thank God for that because I know that I sure as hell never cared for him.
Good riddance and hello new wonderful life!
Posted in: Miscellaneous, My Transition Tags: appointments, body, breasts, changes, hair removal, hormones, hospital, laser, sexuality6 Sep 2010
It’s been a busy week.
It’s been an eventful couple of days.
Last Friday was my mom’s birthday. She didn’t celebrate it this time, so it was just a coffee & dinner thing along with my dad ‘n stuff. I didn’t have a gift for her and I should feel bad. I simply didn’t have the money for it right now though, August hit me harder than I had initially planned, but I’ll make it up to her soon.
We did go to the casino in the evening, even though I was already kinda tired. I didn’t play with my money though, I had none to begin with, heh, but we all had a few nice ‘big wins’ a few times.
Yesterday my uncle Ben held a high tea in a nearby Restaurant/Event Center celebrating his 65th (well, his 66th but he was too ill last year), which was fun. :) A lot of people showed up from both sides of the family and in the end there were about 50 people in total. As a gift from the family he got a scrap book with photos and notes from several family members recalling events they’ve shared with him.
I ate quite a bit; little cakes, strawberry pie, apple pie, a salmon sandwich (and I absolutely cannot stand fish but I wanted to eat it anyway), assorted chocolates and crepes.
My ex called me last Tuesday night to tell me that Sol got hit by a car. He’s one of the older cats I gave to her a few months ago. He’s a very sweet cat but also a hunter and scavenger. He likes to roam pretty far away from home and he had been spotted before crossing roads near the industrial area.
He was found I assume not too long after the accident and because he is chipped they called my ex right away. From what she was told and then afterward told me it didn’t look very good. He got hit on his hind legs and it was protrayed as pretty much a lost cause told that his back was probably broken but without an x-ray it was impossible to tell just what the damage was.
So over the course of the next few days my ex got photos taken from his back and taken him to see the veterinary surgeon who said it is possible to fix him up with an operation but that is of course not without its cost. The estimation was a couple hundred, much less than initially presumed but still a lot of money.
Sol broke part of his pelvic bone so he cannot stand or walk right now. I believe it was the right side that was broken and had shifted a bit. Apart from that he also has some minor and hairline fractures, but seemed in relatively good shape. His back isn’t broken, his tail is fine, and the main pelvic bone is intact as well so there’s a good chance he’ll recover from this but a much better result if he can get the surgery of course.
I saw him today and while it is very sad to see him locked up inside a cage it is not too small and he seems to be looked after pretty good. He’s not allowed to put weight on his back legs right now. He seems to be eating well from what I could tell and actually looked kinda happy. He loved getting attention from me and still purred a lot and bashed his head against my hands like he always used to.
Family and friends keep asking me if I notice anything yet from taking the hormones. Well, while it’s not always easy to tell I can say that in general I feel much happier. Though truthfully that is probably in large part due to the fact I no longer am in ‘purgatory’. The extremely long wait on getting approved was grueling and it feels good to have finally haven gotten through that process.
What I did notice is that I can be quite bitchy at times, and that I don’t really care that I am either. Also, while getting ready for my shower this morning I noticed that my nipples were painful to the touch.
I have also been working very hard on my eating and sleeping schedule, which you may remember has been hell since the day I was born. Well it is going much better. Again, the fact that I no longer have to stress out about my diagnosis probably helped a lot for my sleeping. While I don’t have exact times set yet I do try to go to bed between midnight and no later than 2am and get up between 6 and 8am.
Eating is actually going better too. I have set up fixed times for this. I have to eat breakfast in the morning at 8am, lunch at 1pm, and dinner at 6pm. I try to add a ‘snack’ between meals as well around 10:30am and 3:30pm. So that makes for 5 times a day. Which for me is like 4 times more than my usual from a few months ago. I take my hormones at breakfast and dinnertime.
I skipped lunch today because I was visiting my ex and checking up on Sol and I was really feeling that when I got home as I was all weak ‘n kinda shaky. I guess my body is starting to get used to eating at regular intervals. That’s good, right?
