Quick and somewhat random updates on all the stuff I’ve been doing lately and what’s going with my life.
Archive for the ‘My Transition’ Category
11 Feb 2011
Vlog #8 – Random Updates
9 Nov 2010
Vlog #4 – First hair removal session.
Just over a week ago I had my first real session for permanent hair removal. I was nervous for several reasons. I didn’t know how much it was going to hurt, or how red my face would be afterward, and for how long, and the fact they were going to point a laser at my genitals. I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect to I envisioned one of those James Bond scenes where he strapped to a table and a laser slowly goes up between his legs. I kept hearing this line in my head, “No, Miss Bond. I expect you to die.”
Fortunately it wasn’t quite as scary as that, though it was a bit unusual. See, I’m getting both my face and my ‘downstairs’ area done at the same time. Once in the treatment room the nice lady told me to take off my pants and lay down. -What, no foreplay?- Now here’s the fun part. Before I got there I had to numb the area with emla cream and then wrap it in saran wrap. At least I found out that I don’t have a fetish for once.
Speaking of fetishes, she then proceeded to shave the area to which I found out that’s another fetish I don’t have. Wow! Two in one day? That’s amazing! When she was done it was time to start lasering. Some parts hurt more than others but overall it was very tolerable. A very weird feeling regardless, though. It felt like a whole bunch of needles being quickly stabbed into you and pulled out again. Intense, but manageable. Besides, it’s for a good cause. This was done pretty quick, like, less than 15 minutes, easy. So I could finally put my pants back on.
Then it was time to work on my face. This was fun. She noticed many of my hairs grow sideways which causes ingrown hairs and a more visible shade even after shaving. She suggested I should use an electric razor for now until treatment is completed.
She wanted to test out two areas first to see how I would respond to the laser. She did it on a not so dense area first, which hurt but was tolerable. Then she tried a more dense area, just one shot with the laser, and that hurt like fuck! I heard the singing of hairs as it hit and smelled burning hair. She was gonna wait a bit to see if there would be any major reaction so she got me a cup of tea in the meantime. It was obvious after a while I did not respond well to it as I had a bit of a bump where she shot me with the laser. So it was decided to use IPL (Intense Pulsed Light) instead for now.
So I was brought to another room with the IPL machine and had to wear black shades with which I could not see a thing except for the TL light on the ceiling. As you may have guessed this machine shoots out an incredibly bright light with intense heat, but it was far less painful than the laser. She decided it was a good idea to just try and thin the entire area out first so that once it was less dense I could go back to laser treatment.
This all didn’t take very long and after a while it was apparent that even the redness I did have was already subsiding. Good news, I don’t have to look like a burn victim for a week! My next appointment will be in like 6 weeks. I’m actually looking forward to it because the sooner this is done the better. Last time I talked about the number two on my list of insecurities, my voice, well this is number one. I can’t wait to be rid of it once and for all.
27 Oct 2010
Vlog #3 – Speech Therapy and more.
» Written version below the video. Note: It is vastly different than the video which covers more topics. «
So yesterday I had two appointments at the hospital. One was to get a bone density scan which I’m told is standard procedure for anyone on hormone replacement therapy. I had to take the top layer of my clothes off and lay down on a bench type thingee and have my feet rested on a high cube in order to keep my back as straight as possible. I guess I’ll hear from them if there are any.. abnormalities.
Then I had an appointment with a speech therapist along with an ear, nose and throat doctor. I had no real idea of what to expect so I was kinda nervous. I had to sit in the most uncomfortable chair ever which was situated next to a computer. They would later use this along with a long iron stick with a light and a camera attached to it. The doctor would literally hold my tongue as she put the camera in the back of my mouth. I had to make some noises while they would look at my vocal chords. It was recorded which they showed me afterward. It was weird. Apparently I’m also already in the female vocal range so there’s no problem there.
After a while they asked me why I was there and I told them that I felt too self-conscious about my voice. It is actually #2 on my list of things I’m insecure about. I told them that I mostly had the problems when I have to speak Dutch because I do so little of it, mainly only around family. Because of that I tend to focus more on my voice as I’m also translating making me feel less secure about my voice which causes tension and my voice gets worse.
This is admittedly a lot harder around people who’ve known me from before my transition than it is with people who didn’t. I always get the feeling that like family members are focusing a lot on my voice when I talk which then makes me more self conscious about it. If I’m talking to someone I just met it is a million times better as I don’t have to fear them making ‘comparisons’ or even criticizing it.
Both the doctor and the speech therapist told me I sounded feminine and that they would never mistake it for a male voice. They didn’t hear the typical male voice that comes from the chest. Articulation and everything was also fine. I said that was funny to hear because in the past I was always criticised for not properly enunciating but they told me they could hear every single word just fine.
They told me I could just go on as is unless I really did want actual speech therapy. I stated again that I would like to as I’m too self conscious when talking Dutch despite them telling me I had nothing to worry about. The only criticism they had is that I could use some improvement on melody and that at times I may talk a bit too fast. Though I think that last part was mostly caused by being nervous.
So they said they were going to look for a speech therapist with the necessary skills near me or in Amsterdam that can help me overcome what apparently is just all in my head and not my voice. Basically all I need to do is learn and accept that my voice is fine and stop being so nervous when talking. If I can do that I will be fine.
Posted in: My Transition, Vlogs 
Tags: Dutch, English, insecurity, language, self-consciousness, speech therapy17 Oct 2010
Vlog #1 – Revelations from the past.
» Written version below the video. «
When I was about 15 years old I met a group of kids I started to hang out with. Over the years people came and went but a few core people remained. At one point it had changed so much that me and another person decide to quit hanging out with them and just do our own thing. That person then became my best friend for several years.
This person would start to play a big role in my life. Him and I would spend a lot of time together, just a few hours in the evenings at first but later on much more. Days and nights; basically our every waking moment was spent together.
It is not surprising considering that fact that many of my family and outsiders at that point thought I was gay. It was never really said out loud but it wasn’t a hard deduction to make considering I spent all my time with guys, no girls to be found among my friends circle.
In fact I only had one real ‘girlfriend’ a few years before this. Who I admittedly spent a lot of time with and my free time was often spent at her house. Thing is, to me she was more like a girl friend. Yes, I had given her a ring that she wore, but I gave it to her because of another guy who made advances at her.
One instance of that relationship I still vividly remember. I was with her, and a few other girl friends of hers, and it was time for me to leave. As I left and headed into the stairwell of the apartment complex I heard one of her friends say, “aren’t you going to kiss your boyfriend goodbye?”, at which point she ran after me to catch me.
I was down the stairs and I looked up as she called my name. She gestured for me to come to her and puckered her lips. She wanted me to kiss her. What I did next tormented and confused me for years to come.. I just smiled at her and left for home. I did not kiss her. I did not even have any desire to kiss her. Why? A teenage girl wants to be kissed by her teenage boyfriend and he just smiles and goes away.. That does not make any sense! No boy in his right mind would do that, yet I did. Things were never the same after that and it wasn’t long before I would never see her again.
Back to my best friend. We had a lot in common and a lot similar views of the world. We even shared our birthday and sometimes joked about it being “destiny” that we found each other. As time progressed I found myself wanting to be with him more. Feeling anxious when I knew he was about to show up and getting upset if he had to cancel.
See, I had strong feelings for him, feelings that went beyond regular friendship, but every time I realized I had those I would squash them down and deny them and block them. “I am a perfectly normal heterosexual male,” I kept repeating in my head. “It isn’t uncommon for anyone to have random thoughts or fantasies that in real life you would never pursue, right?”
So why was I jealous when he spent time with other people? Why did I get upset when one of us was away for a weekend? “He’s just a friend.. He’s just a friend!”
The answer is painfully obvious now. I was in love with him. I was in love with him but did my hardest to deny and subdue those feelings because I still insisted I was a regular straight guy. It was not possible for me to have any romantic feelings for another guy. As the years went on those feelings got progressively worse; stronger. I’m not sure if he ever truly knew but he must’ve had an idea.
Then one day, about five years ago now, he wrote me an email that contained a single line of text. It read that it was “all too much” for him and he could not be with me anymore. I’ll leave out the ugly details of what else happened that day but suffice to say that it completely destroyed me emotionally. I hit rock bottom and the next day decided to quit doing drugs, which I haven’t touched since.
So I was alone, for the first time in years I was alone and I didn’t really know how to handle this. Knowing what ruined my friendship with him made me run from my true feelings even more. I ran, and I ran hard.
Not long after I found myself in an MMORPG (an online roleplaying game) and I met a girl. She expressed interest in me so I decided to prove once and for all that I was a perfectly normal guy and pursue her. Sadly, she turned out to be an extremely manipulative bitch and seemed to love playing with my emotions. Since I was already in a very weak emotional state it didn’t take long for her to destroy me. Everyone around me knew it and told me I should let her go but I couldn’t. I was desperate. I had something to prove.
During this whole emotional turmoil another person returned to the same game. A woman I was already warned about ahead of time. I was told that she was an habitual liar and a deceiver. But it was this person that decided to help me out with the girl; figure out my emotions. This eventually lead me to drop all interest in the girl and, you may have seen this coming by now, get involved with the woman instead.
The first time I talked to her out of game, just online messaging at that point, I had to explain something. See, I have always roleplayed as a girl online and never corrected anyone if they asked about it. I was always much more comfortable that way even though I wasn’t sure why. I will elaborate some more on that in a later blog post.
So I had to tell her I was a guy. She assumed at that point I had to be homosexual because no guy acts like the way I did. I denied that and guess what came next? She asked if I was a transsexual. This I denied even more but she even sent me pictures of little transgender kids and told me there’s nothing wrong with it. I kept on denying it and told her I am just a normal heterosexual guy.
Flash forward about a year and I got married to her. Yes, I flew all the way to the US to get married to someone I met online. Why? I was desperate to prove something, remember? My family already had doubts. And when they saw her I’m sure many were wondering what the hell I saw in her, and that I could do better, but I was determined to show to everyone that I was ‘normal’.
Of course that relationship didn’t last and went straight to hell. In fact, during the time we were married my inner emotional struggle only got worse and worse. She would bitch at me for being more feminine than her. One thing I would constantly whine about is that girls got all the neat clothes and guys were stuck with the same old stuff. Girls get a billion dresses and guys get a single suit. When we got married I also insisted on getting a platinum engagement ring with 9 diamonds and a gold wedding ring with 9 even bigger diamonds in it for myself. What did I get her? A ring from Wal-Mart that was nothing special.
Throughout my life but more so during this marriage I kept saying that I thought “my life would be easier as a girl.” Even though I would say this out loud it would still never truly register in my brain. That is, not until the day came that she screamed back, “Well you can, you know!”.
After that moment, which was a moment of pure clarity, my life changed completely. Within days I told my family and it only took a matter of weeks until I went full time. Eventually everything started to finally make sense. My feelings, my frequent emotional outbursts, my depression. I finally knew who I was. I finally knew that I was a girl!
Posted in: Dating & Relationships, My Transition, Vlogs Tags: attraction, denial, divorce, marriage, relationships, sexuality