Archive for the ‘Miscellaneous’ Category

Trans Activism

More and more I see T-girls becoming activists or starting groups because they are upset with how they and others like them are treated. Well, you should be upset, because it’s not just our basic human rights that are often infringed, but also the public perception is still very heavily skewed in the wrong direction.

What I don’t see is how you expect your Facebook group of twenty members to make an actual difference. What I don’t see is how simply writing a blog post bashing some politician is going to change their views. If you are honestly trying to change the world’s view of transsexuals and the transgender community in general I would suggest to consolidate your efforts and create a much larger group that can tackle major issues with actual legal and political knowledge rather than just saying “this can’t be right”.

Sometimes, I think that some of these people are only activists because they have been screwed over personally. Lost their job and unable to find a new one for instance. Yes, that is a terrible thing, especially when you know it has to do with your T-status, but I get the feeling some of you are taking these things a bit too far and putting all that much needed energy solely into a personal ‘crusade’ while losing track of your own personal transition.

Me, personally, have no desire to become an activist of any kind. I have no desire to join a rally, force myself into politics to change things from within, or join random little groups I already know will make no difference at all.

This is not to say I don’t appreciate what you are all trying to do, I certainly do, and someone surely has to step up and do it, but I see far too many incapable individuals doing so. Often hurting the cause far more than helping it. Sometimes things are worded in such a way it makes me ashamed to even consider affiliating myself with them. Please, leave the activism to the ones who actually know what they’re doing and if you want to help out join their group, don’t make your own. Splintering ourselves into hundreds of different little groups is only confusing the outside world and taking every one of our issues less seriously.

It is fitting that I should post this on National Coming Out Day run by the Human Rights Compaign but that was purely coincidental. It is, however, something I support as the same human rights should be given to everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. And the fact that many of us are still being screwed over and treated as second class citizens, both legally and socially, is something people should be made aware of. My heart goes out especially to the LGBT youth that have a hard time getting accepted. Too many commit suicide due to lack of support and bullying, which at times borders on pure sadism. Hopefully someday that will be a thing of the past and we will truly see equality.

Darkwave

Goth.Recently, and by recently I mean in the last couple of months, I’ve kind of fallen in love with the darkwave music genre. While some of the bands I listen to deviate from it to some extend, like being more ebm, gothic rock, or dark ambient, in general you can kinda put them all under the darkwave tag.

While a lot of tracks from these bands have sad or ‘depressing’ lyrics I actually really enjoy listening to them and they make me feel better. Some are quite melancholic, like Sopor Aeternus and the Ensemble of Shadows, a one person band by Anna-Varney Cantodea, a non-op transwoman. She states al her songs are simply self-therapy and they are very dark indeed.

The other end of the darkwave tag is where you’ll find The Crüxshadows. A band headed by Rogue, who writes only positive messages and tries to change the world with his music. His songs, especially a bunch from the Dreamcypher album, resonate with me quite a bit. Eye of the Storm likely being my absolute favorite song by them.

Other bands I’ve gotten to really enjoy listening to are L’Âme Immortelle, Clan of Xymox, Switchblade Symphony, Voltaire, She Wants Revenge, Lacrimosa, Deine Lakaien, and Dvar. Look ‘m up on last.fm, you might like what you hear, and if you do go add me as a friend. :)

This is very much on the opposite musical spectrum compared to what I was predominantly listening to a year ago. Which was for the most part bubblegum pop like Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Who I still enjoy, no doubt, it’s just not what I desire to listen to right now.

Letting go and letting it happen.

You'll never know why I'm smiling. ;)Over the course of the past few weeks that I started taking hormones my life was turned upside down and a lot of latent feelings that were always there but hidden were suddenly exposed. There have been some drastic changes in my emotional state so I haven’t touched this blog or even my Facebook and Twitter because the results would be incredibly chaotic and likely even not make any sense at all.

Some of those feelings are ones I have consciously squashed down myself over the years, some even forgotten I initially had them in the first place, but they have grown too strong now to do that so I had to let go of the hold I had on them and let me feel whatever it is that my soul wanted me to feel. Some of these feelings I expected, while others caught me completely off guard.

In terms of sexuality I think I mentioned before I was in heavy flux mode for a while. Right now I guess you can say that I went from straight to bi to pan to bi to straight (girls, both, any, both, guys – get it?). Though I have to add that it is my personal belief that everyone is at least a little bit bisexual whether they actually ever truly experienced (or acted on) those feelings or not. Many people have uttered the phrase: “If only you were a woman/man!” and my response to that is “What’s stopping you”? Really, why eliminate half the population if you think this person can truly make you happy? Go for it and see if it works out.

To continue on that subject it is now more apparent than ever that I have the hots for guys. It is truly uncontrollable and I’m loving it! There is more to this part of the story but I’m saving that for a later post. I’m such a tease, aren’t I?

I have been working hardcore on my schedule and I have to say I finally got it under complete control. Eating and sleeping at fixed times is not really a problem anymore. The times for eating will vary when I’m out of course, but I try to keep them as close as possible.

Adding to this I have also gained some much needed weight. As where a few months ago I actually hit an absolute low point of around 33.4kg (73.6lbs) I can actually say I am above 38kg (83.7lbs) right now. My minimum goal is 40kg (88lbs) but I’m trying for 45kg (99lbs) as my ultimate goal. Those 10 pounds I’ve gained are very visible too. In fact, it’s so ‘bad’ that I need to buy new pants. The 24″ wides I got are getting hella tight now. Even the skirt I always had to use a safety pin on doesn’t fall off anymore. ;p

From what I know from specialists and other T-girls it seems that on average you should not expect to see any significant growth in breast tissue until after 6 solid months of taking hormones. Well, after about 1-2 weeks I looked down and went “Holy shit! I have boobs!” and they are still very obviously growing. Of course, they are at like ‘pre-teen’ level right now, A minus minus, but they’re there and that makes me happy and well, more confident, too.

I have quite a few appointments set up in the coming months. Got therapy in a few days, taking my mom with me for the first time. Something I have been very reluctant to do but I know it needs to happen. Then there’s the intake for the laser hair removal in less than two weeks, I’m so glad to finally be able to do that. The VUMC hospital sent out a letter to my insurance to let them know about this and are asking them to completely cover it.

They also sent out another letter to the main office asking for a gender correction on all papers and cards. And I have a letter I can take to stuff like the bank and other insurance companies to ask them to either change my gender on all paperwork, or leave it out completely. I’m definitely making an appointment with the bank soon to do that part. I absolutely hate getting mail addressed to “Mr”. I just want to burn it. Sadly it will still require surgery to be able to change it in all permanent records including my birth certificate, but that’s still two to three years away. If only it could be tomorrow.. If only….

For several years I have been part of a community that was initially formed around the webcomic PvPonline. After the comic’s artist pulled the plug on the forums several users scrambled in the IRC channel I had set up for them and a new permanent home was coordinated there. Halforum came to be (now known as Halforums) and after a while I volunteered to be the technical administrator for the site. I love to code so this was a good opportunity to both do something useful with my skills and learn some new things along the way.

I transitioned while being a part of this community and have to say that they have always been positive and supportive about it. I have never had an issue there regarding my transsexuality and had several good opportunities to inform them when they had questions as well.

While these people have taken up a relatively good-sized chunk of my life I did decide in the past weeks that it is time for me to move on. I will help them make the move to a new forum software and after that I will take my leave. To be honest I have stuck around there longer than I should have, it is no longer a part of me but a part that I need to let go.

So yeah.. Many changes in my life, both big and small. Some expected, some completely unexpected. But I decided to not worry what I might suddenly feel, like, or dislike. I’m just gonna let it happen.

I know some people will have some difficulty with these changes and may catch them off guard. Especially from those close to me I expect to hear a bunch of “but you never liked/did that before”! Which is kind of the point, isn’t it? I am not that person anymore and you should thank God for that because I know that I sure as hell never cared for him.

Good riddance and hello new wonderful life!

It’s been a busy week.

It’s been an eventful couple of days.

Last Friday was my mom’s birthday. She didn’t celebrate it this time, so it was just a coffee & dinner thing along with my dad ‘n stuff. I didn’t have a gift for her and I should feel bad. I simply didn’t have the money for it right now though, August hit me harder than I had initially planned, but I’ll make it up to her soon.

We did go to the casino in the evening, even though I was already kinda tired. I didn’t play with my money though, I had none to begin with, heh, but we all had a few nice ‘big wins’ a few times.

Yesterday my uncle Ben held a high tea in a nearby Restaurant/Event Center celebrating his 65th (well, his 66th but he was too ill last year), which was fun. :) A lot of people showed up from both sides of the family and in the end there were about 50 people in total. As a gift from the family he got a scrap book with photos and notes from several family members recalling events they’ve shared with him.

I ate quite a bit; little cakes, strawberry pie, apple pie, a salmon sandwich (and I absolutely cannot stand fish but I wanted to eat it anyway), assorted chocolates and crepes.

My ex called me last Tuesday night to tell me that Sol got hit by a car. He’s one of the older cats I gave to her a few months ago. He’s a very sweet cat but also a hunter and scavenger. He likes to roam pretty far away from home and he had been spotted before crossing roads near the industrial area.

He was found I assume not too long after the accident and because he is chipped they called my ex right away. From what she was told and then afterward told me it didn’t look very good. He got hit on his hind legs and it was protrayed as pretty much a lost cause told that his back was probably broken but without an x-ray it was impossible to tell just what the damage was.

So over the course of the next few days my ex got photos taken from his back and taken him to see the veterinary surgeon who said it is possible to fix him up with an operation but that is of course not without its cost. The estimation was a couple hundred, much less than initially presumed but still a lot of money.

Sol broke part of his pelvic bone so he cannot stand or walk right now. I believe it was the right side that was broken and had shifted a bit. Apart from that he also has some minor and hairline fractures, but seemed in relatively good shape. His back isn’t broken, his tail is fine, and the main pelvic bone is intact as well so there’s a good chance he’ll recover from this but a much better result if he can get the surgery of course.

I saw him today and while it is very sad to see him locked up inside a cage it is not too small and he seems to be looked after pretty good. He’s not allowed to put weight on his back legs right now. He seems to be eating well from what I could tell and actually looked kinda happy. He loved getting attention from me and still purred a lot and bashed his head against my hands like he always used to.

Family and friends keep asking me if I notice anything yet from taking the hormones. Well, while it’s not always easy to tell I can say that in general I feel much happier. Though truthfully that is probably in large part due to the fact I no longer am in ‘purgatory’. The extremely long wait on getting approved was grueling and it feels good to have finally haven gotten through that process.

What I did notice is that I can be quite bitchy at times, and that I don’t really care that I am either. Also, while getting ready for my shower this morning I noticed that my nipples were painful to the touch.

I have also been working very hard on my eating and sleeping schedule, which you may remember has been hell since the day I was born. Well it is going much better. Again, the fact that I no longer have to stress out about my diagnosis probably helped a lot for my sleeping. While I don’t have exact times set yet I do try to go to bed between midnight and no later than 2am and get up between 6 and 8am.

Eating is actually going better too. I have set up fixed times for this. I have to eat breakfast in the morning at 8am, lunch at 1pm, and dinner at 6pm. I try to add a ‘snack’ between meals as well around 10:30am and 3:30pm. So that makes for 5 times a day. Which for me is like 4 times more than my usual from a few months ago. I take my hormones at breakfast and dinnertime.

I skipped lunch today because I was visiting my ex and checking up on Sol and I was really feeling that when I got home as I was all weak ‘n kinda shaky. I guess my body is starting to get used to eating at regular intervals. That’s good, right?

Castlefest 2010

Last weekend was the annual Castlefest. The 6th time this gothic/fantasy/ren fair was held in Keukenhof, Lisse. Which meant lots of friendly people, good music, crazy things happening and an all around good vibe for the entire weekend. :) Following is a recap of what Cat and I experienced while there.

Day 1 – Friday
As Friday tends to be the quieter day I wanted to leave pretty early, around noon, so we would have plenty of time to walk around and see all the pretty things they sell in the little tents. Especially since this was Cat’s first time going to Castlefest I wanted her to be able to experience as much of it as possible. I decided to wear my cybergoth outfit I posted earlier this day. I had to take advantage of the sunny weather.

My mom had loaned me her little cart in which we could bring (cooled) drinks and a blanket and whatnot. The first thing we did was look for a good spot on one of the fields near the castle and underneath a tree we claimed a spot as our ‘base camp’ where we left our things while we walked around the fair. One of the many great things is that you don’t have to worry about things being stolen there as the general atmosphere there is very laid back and you’d even be hard pressed to find a single person that could be described as rude. We sure didn’t find one.

We sat underneath the tree for a little bit as we figured out how much time we had before Omnia would start playing today and then started roaming around stopping at almost every tent because there were so many cool things to see. Dragons, elves, faeries, jewelry, so many beautiful clothes which are often custom made to size and so much more. And of course looking at all the awesome clothes people were wearing, too. :)

There was a small stage set up where anyone who wanted to could perform. Be it by music, singing, or dancing. We sat there for a bit watching four girls in pretty flowing outfits dance to Omnia. After the guy responsible for the music managed to get it playing that is.

It didn’t take long before Cat got her first hug from a complete stranger. Of all people it was one of the Greenthingz; a Garbage Goblin. She walked up to her, said “Hello” in the high pitched voice they have, spread her arms and hugged her. Cat was a bit startled by this despite me telling her beforehand that this was fairly commonplace. Both the fact that the Garbage Goblins are weird and that hugs are given freely. I guess she found it a bit hard to believe until this point. :p

As we passed more stands a woman pointed at me and said “She could! I bet she could wear it!” and beckoned me over. It was a corset shop and there were various corsets set up on mannequin busts. One of which was extremely small and thin and they were apparently discussing who on Earth could wear such a thing until I walked by. They insisted that I tried it on to which I more than happily complied because I love corsets but finding one in my size is nigh impossible as I go below the smallest size you tend to find in any store.

The corset was taken off the mannequin and my hair was pinned up so she could more easily put it on me. As she was tightening it she kept asking if I was still okay and tightened it some more. In the end she got it tightened to the maximum the corset allowed for and she was amazed, as well as the people around the stand. Few people asked if they could touch it/me because it didn’t seem real. You could very easily put your hands around my waist. Price of this (custom made) corset: 450 Euros. Which is about 575 USD.

Cat saw a very pretty deep purple and black half bust corset and they allowed her to try that one on, too. It was wired in such a way it could be put on and tightened without outside help. Quite handy, really. Every single one of these corsets were completely handmade and sized for the person buying them, hence the prices. I was told that depending on the materials used and such a typical corset would cost between 600 and 800 euros (750-1000 USD). So very much out of our price range. Oh well, maybe if we win the lottery one day. :D

While the corsets we tried on of course did not match what we wore much and they were sized for different people it was still very awesome and we both enjoyed the feel of it. Cat mentioned she would love one that would actually strengthen her back more.

After some more walking around it was time to head for the main stage as Omnia would soon start to play. Cat had never seen them before and trying to explain them without seeing them first is tough as their music has a lot of sides and influences including Celtic, folk, pagan, Irish and much more. They describe themselves as a “neoceltic pagan folk” band.

They did their sound check which is always fun to see as it’s not your typical sound check and once they were about to start with their session there was already quite a lot of people there which is why I made sure to get there soon so we could be right at the front. :)

I didn’t take pictures of them this day as I just wanted to watch and listen as they performed both old and new songs. Their new songs included “Jabberwocky”, from a nonsense poem by Lewis Carroll (Alice in Wonderland) and “Toys in the Attic” which is about madness, the “attic” being the brain. This was immediately Cat’s favorite song which wasn’t very surprising. ;) She was an instant fan of the band.

Omnia has been releasing their new CDs on Castlefest and this year was no exception. Right after the concert they were going to hold a signing session so we jumped in line and both bought their new CD, which comes with a DVD of last year’s Omnia concert at Castlefest, and their new poster. Then we had to jump back in line again to get it signed. I had my CD signed and Cat had her poster signed. All the names above their heads. Luka is her favorite, who is very big and writes his name in encoded runes.

We then headed back to our ‘base camp’ to put our new stuff in the cart and continue to wander around until the next concert I wanted to see; Scrum. We watched the latter part of the torture of criminals and made plans to try and watch it in full the next day. We encountered one of Cat’s favorite characters, The Mad Hatter, so I made sure to take a picture of him with her. :) “CHANGE PLACES!”

Then it was time to watch Scrum who made their first appearance on Castlefest last year. We again made sure to get there well ahead of time to ensure a front row spot. Scrum is best described as powerfolk. Most of their songs are old drinking songs set to fast paced beats while using banjo, bagpipes and more. Cat wasn’t convinced at first but it grew on her after she realized it is not the music but the musicians themselves that make them so much fun to watch and listen to. Especially the lead singer Skottie who interacts with the crowd a lot. Cat waved a few times at the guitarist who even waved back at her.

The weather had been excellent the entire day so we were very lucky. We also met an awesome guy and his family at one of the tents that sold custom made renaissance outfits and dresses, he was very nice and it was fun talking to him. We also ate good (hot) pizza which was of course all made in the old conventional style; a huge metal oven heated by burning wood. But, sadly, the first day of Castlefest was now over. It was now dark and we had to walk home again and sleep and go back for more the next day.

Day 2 – Saturday
We had decided to leave a little later today as it was raining quite a bit i the morning. After checking the weather sites for today’s prognosis it wasn’t clear just how much it was going to rain later today, just that it was. Could be a lot, could be only for a few minutes.

Cat wasn’t sure what to wear so I loaned her some of my clothes. A black short top with long flowing sleeves (we were sorta matching tops this day), a black and purple spider skirt from Living Dead Souls (mislabeled as XS because it falls much bigger), and purple tights.

It was dry when we left, and we decided to keep the cart at home this time as we really didn’t have much use for it the day before and didn’t really want to drag the thing all the way there and back again.

When we got there we saw a pretty big crowd near the castle so naturally we investigated. :) It was Johannes the Jester. A complete idiot but in a good way. He did a few ‘magic’ tricks as well. He made a little girl from the audience disappear by throwing a cloak on top of her (“Tadah!”). Then later held the cloak in front of another girl who he very clearly instructed to hide behind the big potted plant behind him. He then moved the cloak away and “Tadah!”.. The girl was gone. Magic! :p

We watched some more mock swordplay battles (there was one guy who had a steampunk machine gun) while waiting for Scrum to perform today. We bought some nice and warm cheese fondue and sat down for a while. Of course at this point it had already started raining again. It wasn’t just a light drizzle either, it was literally pouring down from the skies. Everyone was soaked but it didn’t matter.

We watched Scrum, standing front row yet again of course, and they were great. About two songs in Skottie commented on the fact that he could see a lot of umbrellas and that he’d rather see their faces, and that it might block the view from the people behind them. He asked for everyone to take down their umbrellas and everyone complied right away. That was a cool sight. Everyone was soaked already anyway, it really didn’t matter anymore.

We had about half an hour to kill before the next criminal torture session was gonna start so we watched the other stage for a while that has a wooden dance floor set up in front of it. Despite the heavy rain there were still tons of people watching and dancing, it was great.

As we headed off to watch the torture being it actually stopped raining while he was setting things up and juggling heads. Sadly that didn’t last. About five minutes later it already started raining again but we watched the entire thing anyway. About halfway through the people behind us held their umbrella over us, too, so that was cool. :)

At this point we were really drenched and figured we could hide inside for a bit, at the place where the authors sell and sign the fantasy books. Of course we weren’t the only ones who had this idea and it was pretty crowded inside there already. After walking around there for a bit most people were ushered out into the hallway and we stayed there for a while. Trying to somehow dry up and praying the rain would stop.

Cat asked if we could just go home and watched the Omnia DVD as she really did not like the weather. I can’t blame her, it was very bad. I told her to hang in there though, and that it would be worth in the end to endure the rain. This night is Pagan Night with Omnia performing last during the wicker phoenix burning. Not something you want to miss.

When it was about time to start heading out for Omnia the rain stopped. In fact, the sky started to clear up and the sun was even coming out for a while, too. Good timing. Cat got some hot pizza and once again we ensured a spot on the front, this time near the right so we’d be in closer range of the wicker phoenix as well.

Jenny and Steve from Omnia joked that maybe they should start charging for their sound checks from now on as the turn out is always so good and people are already really into it. This time I took a lot of pictures of Omnia and a bunch of the crowd behind us. You could barely see anything except for an endless view of heads.

They played a lot of old and new material again and when it was time for the wicker phoenix burning Steve did his fire eating trick and ignited the torch that would start the burning while the music would get ever louder and harder. It was an awesome sight. It burned really good and after a while the rain of ash come down upon us. :p

Of course no Saturday Castlefest concert of Omnia is complete without Morrigan. They taunted the audience for a bit a few times at first but in the end they did perform it. They were really great and also had a few guest artists perform with them today.

Saturday is always the most busy day of Castlefest and, despite the heavy rainfall, this year was no exception. It was even busier than last year. At times you could barely walk or see through the massive crowds of people. The best part was that regardless of the bad weather everyone was still in high spirits, everyone was nice and happy. We also hung out at the guy we met the day before again for a bit as well.

Day 3 – Sunday
We left for the last day of Castlefest in the early afternoon and were thankful that this day it was sunny again. Cat decided to wear something a bit more casual today and wore her black pants with the black long sleeve shirt with the zippers on front and cut rips alongside both sleeves and back.

Omnia was playing early this day and when we arrived on the field they were just starting their sound check so we headed straight for the stage and yes, you guessed it, we got all the way to the front again. They played a few songs they hadn’t played before today, including “Sister Sunshine” which Steve dedicated to his daughter.

Once their concert was over, and sadly the last time we would see Omnia play, Cat really regretted wearing her long sleeve shirt. It became progressively warmer during the day so she wanted to buy an Omnia shirt to replace hers. Luckily they sold a very awesome looking lacy top so she bought that one.

As we headed out to do some more roaming I was suddenly tapped on the shoulder by huge claws. As I turned around I saw it was someone dressed up as Edward Scissorhands. He said he remembered me taking his picture last year, which is where he added he was holding a chainsaw. It was Ash! The guy I beckoned over last year now saw me walking around and approached me so I could get my picture taken with him. Awesome! :D

The only band I really wanted to see besides Omnia today was Faun and they would not perform until the very end so we had more time to roam around. Cat has seen a few things she considered getting the past few days (I had told her to not buy anything the first day to avoid impulse buying) which she wanted to look at again.

We encountered a guy dressed up as… I’m not sure, he kinda looked like Shredder from TMNT. He had very sharp claws and was posing for a bunch of people. We took his picture and then he walked up to us with arms spread and group hugged us. Not what we expected him to do. :p

One stand was selling handmade dragons you can wear on your shoulder. They looked very cool and while we both wanted one and they weren’t very expensive we had both spent our money on others things at this point.

Cat really wanted to switch shirts so I figured we could visit our friend again as he had a dressing room corner set up in his tent. We headed there and asked if she could which was alright by him. The top looked really great on her and she loved it. She was getting hungry again so she got some chicken piri piri which was very spicy.

We took a lot of pictures of visitors this time and also walked around in the Steampunk garden as we never got around to doing that the previous two days. Cat got to wind up a girl so she could continue walking again. :p

I got myself some very sweet mead (good stuff!) which Cat could not even stand the smell off. That’s okay, she had Coke. :) then we headed back to the main stage for the last concert of Castlefest: Faun, a German pagan folk/darkwave band.

It felt like almost everyone at Castlefest had shown up to see them, most likely due to it being the very last concert of the fair. They were very good and performed some great songs. About halfway through Vana Events and Castlefest crew started to gather right in front of the stage.

Shortly after, Oliver, the lead singer announced that in during their next song you might notice a little ritual that includes fruit might be visible if you pay close attention. One minute into the song people started to show up on stage dressed in fruit costumes. Grapes, strawberries, and even a banana! They then threw themselves into the crowd. Yes, there was stage driving fruit! :p They were carried around and then carried back unto the stage near the song’s end.

Then the end came and it was over. This year’s Castlefest had ended. :’( They were going to close the gates. We headed over to the Faun stand as they were doing a signing session too though we didn’t have anything for them to sign. Well, I remarked that we did have our mugs so I just handed them that and they signed it. :) So Cat did, too, and a person next to us thought that was a great idea so she wanted hers signed too.

We still had a little time to make one last stroll around the tents and stands and while I was looking at small rings at one of them Cat noticed their dog and called him a cute puppy. He came right for her when she did because apparently his name is really “Puppy”. Funny. :) I did find a ring that fit me, too, and it was now really time to get out of there.

Cat and I both had an awesome time and I know I will be there again next year.

Many more photos (hundreds more!) can be found over at my Picasa or my Facebook. If you are in one of my photos and want a copy just shoot me a message. :)