I was in Amsterdam again after a therapy session and was headed downtown to get something to eat. It was pretty crowded because the weather was good so I was looking for someplace quiet.

While I was walking toward my first choice (Subway, gotta love ‘m) I decided to cut through an alley as it would save me a minute of walking through the mass of people. As I was headed in there though I had this unnerving feeling that I was being followed but shrugged it off as being paranoid. Still, it was a scary feeling so I picked up the pace some and walked around the corner straight unto the next main street filled with people again.

The same shoes I saw in my periphal vision while walking into the alley were still there, getting closer. Still, it is not uncommon for other people to take shortcuts too, right? I mean, I did. That’s when it started getting really creepy because he picked up the pace and started walking next to me. I kept my sight forward and hoped I was just imagining things. Maybe he was just on his way somewhere, just like I was.

Sadly, I wasn’t imagining things because while walking next to me he started talking. He said something along the lines of “Nice tattoos! What do they mean?” and then gave me some obviously made up story of how he is a professional photographer that takes pictures of tattoos. Of course he didn’t even have a camera with him.

He then asked if he could take some pictures of my tats sometime. So I said “I dunno, can I see your credentials?” He then gave me a name I can’t remember and said he was from Italy (he was talking English in a very obvious Dutch accent) and had 7 sisters and 3 brothers. So I asked him what their names were. “Uh….. I… I.. uh.. I don’t see ‘m a lot, you know?”.

I told him he was a liar and I had no interest in him but he didn’t stop. He then said I was right, that he was lying, that he in fact has one sister and that she lives around here and I could always call her and ask her about him. But that she would probably think that was strange.

Once again I told him not to bother me as I have no interest in someone who introduces himself with a pack of lies. You’d think he’d quit there but he actually tried to get me to come along for a drink with him. Uh, no? He kept asking but by the third or fourth time I hit the big square and then he threw his arms into the air, walked off, and shouted something unintelligible at me.

It took a few minutes for me to realize exactly what had happened and what that guy was trying to do. Imagining the things that could have happened made me aware that I had become a walking target for some people. A potential victim. This made me realize I really need to start looking into self defense classes.

This kinda stuff is new to me, and similar things have been happening lately. It is unsettling.

Addendum: I should mention that I was approached again last Friday while I was sitting down on a small brick wall and messing with my cell phone. An older guy sat next to me and just started talking. He seemed genuinely friendly at first but later in the conversation he did want me to come over to his house to which I respectfully declined.

So what exactly has stopped me from doing so? The answer is fear… I’ve noticed that my writing, the ones still solely on paper, have become more personal, more raw, and at times confrontational. There have been a few instances where people lashed out at me over some of my writings or even the photos I had added.

Now I can handle criticism but I don’t want to start any pointless fights. So I have been torn. Do I play it safe and keep it all inside or do I post it anyway regardless of the flack I may (or may not) receive?

I have gone so far as to consider adding disclaimers to several of them that might be ill-received but that probably wouldn’t even help any. So I have decided that I have to stop letting my fear get the best of me and to start posting them anyway.

I will say right now that I am sorry for anyone that will feel hurt or attacked but there are my feelings, my thoughts, and right or wrong I simply have to get them out.

One bad thing after another. December 22, 2009
Spambots are getting weird. December 18, 2009
Cheap clothes! December 9, 2009
Today’s look. November 30, 2009
My neighbors suck. November 21, 2009
Did I mention I love pigtails? November 14, 2009
Chocolate Flakes for breakfast. November 9, 2009
Psychiatric evaluation. November 4, 2009
Yay for clothing sales! October 31, 2009
New passport! October 23, 2009
I really love pigtails! October 8, 2009

Meanwhile I’ll be posting up NEW blog posts as well so take note of the date on the actual blog post. :D There is a lot of stuff I am currently going through and writing it all down is not always that easy, but I’m trying.

The holidays tend to be hard on me, emotionally. And since my brother passed on and is no longer a part of these family events they only got harder. I have a tendency to be very negative and bitchy in the weeks preceding these holidays. I try to be happy, though. I try to be happy.

Anyway, my mom buys a lot of food for these occasions. We do a thing called ‘gourmetten’ though I guess it is basically just steel plate grilling. Whatever you wanna call it, it is very tasty and I tend to eat quite a bit. Especially for me!

After dinner it is also tradition to play some Trivial Pursuit. My dad is really good at that because he knows a lot of things about a big range of topics. Me on the other hand only know a lot about certain topics and practically nothing about topics such as sport and politics. Amazingly enough though, I won! :D

Well, I was ready on time, got to the bus stop early and waited for it to arrive. ..and waited.. ..and waited some more.. half an hour.. forty five minutes.. an hour… It was freezing cold and all I could do was stand there waiting, hoping it would come soon.

Meanwhile, other people left the bus stop as they got tired of waiting, but this appointment is very important so I did not have that luxury. The bus didn’t show up until 4 minutes after 10. Exactly four minutes after I had to be at the hospital.

Now, normally I would have called them to let them know I was going to be late, and if there was still any point in going but wouldn’t you know it.. My cellphone had been disconnected a few days ago because of a stupid billing issue that they simply won’t fix. They’re a very dumb company and have a crappy ass help desk. As soon as this subscription is over I’m switching to something better.

Anyway, the weather was so crappy that there were warnings on the news that people that didn’t necessarily needed to travel should stay indoors. Considering there are people from all over the country headed out for appointments to the same hospital I decided to go anyway and hope someone canceled. Which isn’t unprecedented, it happens a lot I’ve been told.

Well, when I finally get there it is about 11am so I am very late. I’m cold and freezing, nervous as hell, but I walk inside, go up one floor and head toward where I’m supposed to be. As I go around the corner into the last hallway I already see her standing there with a confused look.

She asks me if I made a mistake with the appointment time, saying it was an hour ago. As I explain what happened, the late bus, the fact I couldn’t call, and the hope that someone would cancel because of the bad weather she tells me that they actually called everyone to verify if they would still show up or not. Of course I could not be reached. And guess what? They all showed up so there was nothing I could do except leave and go home. :(

So that was my shitty day. Not another appointment for a month.. next year.. which means my diagnosis will take that much longer as well. Fuck!

Ooh and I don’t think I will slit my throat thanks for the suggestion though. NOT

Suicidal spambot?

…please where can I buy a unicorn?

Trippy.

Late for your classes? Order a submarine now!

How does this even work?

How much money would you have to be paid to eat your pet?

I’m not even sure what the goal is with these type of comments.

I think the spambots are starting to gain sentience.

It’s kinda blocky ‘n stuff because I took it straight off the webcam but I wanted to post it anyway.

Then there’s loud music all the time and in the summers they sit outside a lot, with music blaring. That is all fine but do they have to do that until 5 in the morning? If this was all just in the weekends when I could forgive that, but it’s not.

Then there’s the cars that park right in front of my window despite there being room in the parking lot literally 2 feet away. And even if there isn’t, unless you are loading/unloading: DON’T FUCKING PARK IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING WINDOW! This happens way too fucking much.

The upstairs neighbor is the worst in all this. I’m not sure he realizes just how fucking loud he is all damn day. I hear him get up, every day, around 7 in the morning. Then he goes to the bathroom, hacks up a long as if he were some 70 year old life long chain smoker (he’s in his late twenties actually) and proceeds to have a screaming match with his live in girlfriend. Every. Single. Day.

He’s also bought a motorcycle that he never seems to ride but is constantly messing with. ‘Tuning’ or whatever it is. Of course this, too, is right outside my window and makes loud fucking noises all the damn time as well.

This happens every single day. Lots of shouting, screaming, and even when they’re not he plays his XBOX360 with the volume maxed out.

Now, so when it is weekend and I watch a movie in the evening and I have the sound up, guess what happens? The same idiot that never heard of the word quiet starts stomping on the floor and banging on the radiator. What a fucking hypocrite.

I’d say or do something about it but I hear he’s an extremely vindictive person.

See, besides the usual cheese, lunch meats, jams and such, we also love to put sweet stuff on bread. This includes chocolate sprinkles, multi fruit sprinkles, aniseed sprinkles, stamped mice (crushed aniseed), and my all time favorite: chocolate flakes.

While I was in the US I had the hardest time finding it, or even explaining it to people. The few times I found it, it was merely in a tiny jar meant for cake decoration only. It also tasted horrid.

The chocolate flakes from Choca Works are my all time favorite and I have eaten them almost daily for nearly 3 decades. They are just that good! :d

A few other family members were there too, all of which I hadn’t seen since I started my transition, including my grandmother. Not much was said about it, but I didn’t expect that anyway. They’re not really that kind of people.

One of my aunts showed me pictures of the kids and their kids. It’s odd. I don’t really see this part of the family much so there are huge lapses in age and lives. Makes me feel kinda old too.