Here you are, born in a male body, hating it for as long as you can recall, hiding it from sight in every imaginable way and once you start transitioning you have to try and actually show it? You have to try and be happy with it? That is very, very hard.

From what I can tell by looking at old photographs of me, I was still happy until I was about 5 or 6 years old. because in those old pictures I was still smiling. After that, on the photos I allowed to be taken of me that is, the smile was gone. I really hated having my picture taken and I hated people looking at it (or me). I hated myself.

The following situation may sound familiar to you. When I had to go to PE class, if I went at all, I made sure to either get there early, or late. This because there was no way in hell I was going to take off my clothes in front of other people. If for someone reason I really had to I tended to duck into a corner and use my not-so-patented technique of changing clothes with an absolute minimum of skin showing.

Usually I already wore my gym clothes underneath my own clothes just in case. I would also never go without a shirt, always long enough to cover the crotch area, as did most of my clothes at the time. Many times I would not show up or pretend to be sick. The mere thought of someone looking at my body filled me with fear. I felt ugly. I felt disgusting. I hated my body.

For years I avoided social events, cameras, and mirrors. Grrr! Mirrors! Mirrors are still hard for me, I still avoid looking at one at all costs unless I’m actually wearing make up, I don’t want to see this.. guy staring back at me. I hate him!

I made a rule. If I cannot look at myself in the mirror and say I look awesome I won’t step out the door. “Great” and “good” will work in a pinch. Any less than that and I refuse to let anyone see me. I am ugly. Don’t look at me.

Sometimes, though, sometimes you have no choice to go out anyway. Yesterday was that day for me. After I did all my make up and changed my clothes like 5 times I still could not say the words. In fact, I thought I looked like shit. But… This was a very important appointment, I could not miss it! I had to go out anyway.

It was hot, and I wanted to wear a skirt and flip flops but in the end I didn’t. I was too self conscious about my looks and could not get myself to do it. Despite them being all smooth and clean my legs and feet had to be covered up.

I made a promise to myself that regardless of what happened I would stay out in Amsterdam for a bit. The weather was great and I would be damned if I was just going to sit at home again, as always, and be lonely and miserable.

The entire time I was out I felt terrible. Already being nervous for the appointment, feeling low, lacking confidence I really did not feel good and I’m sure that showed and did not help my situation at all.

During the day in I was sure there were a lot more people looking, staring, and laughing at me than usual. This of course did wonders for my self esteem and I wound up feeling even worse. I’m amazed I did not cry until I got home. I’m still trying to hold back the tears as I write this.. and failing.

Looks matter. They matter a lot! Especially to people who are born in the wrong body. The others have no idea of how extremely hard it is to simply walk out the door, knowing that every single person you meet will KNOW and have their judgement ready.

They see the five o’clock shadow, they hear your voice, they see your adam’s apple, they notice it from the stupidest tiniest things that you are not even aware of. Everybody knows!

Most will see and judge people like us as a joke, an abomination of God, or worse. Failing to realize that we are victims of a cruel twist of fate and have to struggle through life trying to correct this as much as possible.

I am not helped by your ridicule or mocking. I suffer enough, just by getting up and looking into the mirror. I cry every day and night because of what I have to go through.

Please…
…stop!

You are hurting me.

Last photo is me at the store. :p

Most of this was insanely cheap. The panties were 77cents, the jeans were 1 euro, it was nuts!

I LOVE CLOTHING SALES!! <3

I don’t wear ‘m often enough. :D

And yes, those are the same pants I just bought too.

They’re just how I like ‘m. Tight and low. ^.~

So it was gonna be this huge social event with tons of people and I admit I was quite nervous about that. There’d be a whole lot of people who had never seen me after I started my transition so I had no idea what to expect.

Well, when the day came near I of course had to figure out what I was gonna wear. Luckily a few days earlier when I was out with my mom and my aunt, who just flew in from Ireland to attend this family event, I found and bought some neat clothes. One piece I was pretty sure I was gonna wear. I bought two hooded long sleeve sweaters. They’re short and cute. I got one in pink and another one in black.

At home I still had a cute tight pink top that I thought would look great with it and together with my black pants and bright pink studded belt I thought it would make an awesome look, which it did. My mom had some nice jewelry to go with it so I was wearing none in the pictures I took.

The party itself was great fun. Though a bit awkward too. One of the things I found out the past few months is that it is far easier to be myself among people who don’t know me from before my transition. I guess with people who do, namely family, I’m a bit too aware of the “but wait… he… I mean she.. was never like that!” thoughts they will have. I know I shouldn’t care about that but it’s still tough. It is easier with certain people than with others because I know they won’t judge me as quickly.

The place was decorated in a French bistro type setting and there was even an accordionist playing in the first hour while most guests were still arriving. Nice, and he was good, but we were glad he wasn’t gonna play for the entire night! There were spots to get food, even hot food, but I didn’t eat much really.

Later on the DJ started to do his thing and played lots of music to cater the crowd. Most of that wasn’t really my thing though. While not necessarily bad music it wasn’t the type I generally listen to. No Britney, no Gaga, no Avril, so not really my thing, lol. I did attempt to dance somewhat later in the evening but truthfully, I sucked at it. Feeling socially awkward didn’t help matters of course.

I made one big mistake near the end of the evening. While I had been drinking whine throughout the evening later on I was offered a drink by one of my cousins and dumb me asked for a cola-vieux. This wouldn’t be so bad if it was earlier but it was near the end, and when everyone was getting ready to leave I slammed the remaining part of my drink. It didn’t ‘hit’ until after we all left but long story short: I fell asleep on my mom’s couch and woke up a few hours later and walked home.

Pictured on the top left is lipgloss and lipsticks, random brands, with the liquid sticks laying down. I use those the most, especially the Manhattan Lips2Last and the Maybelline SuperStay line. Next to those are my mascaras, I still very much love the Maybelline Define-A-Lash line, waterproof of course, but I also use others if I want a more dramatic effect. In front of those are my liquid eyeliners.

Then in the middle is my eyeshadow, I like having all kinds of colors to choose from and experiment with combining them. I still am very fond of pinks though. I use all brands but prefer Manhattan.

On the top right is my deo and fragrance of choice, BlackXS. Next to those are my various nail polish colors. A lot of shades of pink. My favorite brands are Maybelline Express Finish and Manhattan Quick Dry, but I also buy a lot of cheap brands for testing out funky colors like aquamarine.

In front of those is my blush and again I’m a Maybelline fan, and my liquid foundation that I currently swear by. Maybelline Superstay Silky that will last for up to 16 hours. It is the best that I found for covering up what I don’t want people to notice! It’s tough being a T-girl with pale skin and dark hair. I really need to get lasering done.

Anyway, that was a quick rundown of my most used stash. As you can tell I’m a huge fan of Maybelline and Manhattan. They’re far from the cheapest but for me it beats having to reapply my make up all the time.

There was another event coming up, Mystic Fair 2009 in Rotterdam, which wasn’t far from where he lived, so we figured we’d meet up there. Now after I looked up on how to get there I got terribly confused so I suggested to meet him near his stop and travel the last bit together. I haven’t used the underground in decades and with this new chip card system in place I wasn’t even sure if I was gonna get it right!

Now, as this was a gothic / fantasy / renaissance fair I dressed up to fit the occasion. This time in full goth mode. Black, dark, and dreary; makeup and all. Yes, another date in goth, I swear it was a coincidence! ^.^

As there was some road maintenance going on I texted him a few times to let him know when to expect me. There wasn’t that much of a delay though so I got there relatively early. Once I got off and walked toward the exist I saw him standing. First impression: “Oh shit, he’s like 4 times as big as me!”. I know I’m short, but damn! We kinda helped each other figure out the damn new chip card system and after we got that sorted we were on our way to the fair.

This was advertised as the biggest Dutch indoor festival so I had high expectations. Imagine our surprise that when we got in sight of the Ahoy building that we saw absolutely no one. Not a single soul. We were wondering if we misread the date but saw some people in costume opening doors so maybe it was just early.

He got into costume that he brought along (old renaissance garb) and we entered the building. We were met with somewhat mischievous imps but they did show us where the actual fair was supposed to be. I wasn’t prepared. It was dead. Your average neighborhood flea market would be considered crowded compared to this turnout. Ah well, maybe it’ll get better later in the day.

We picked a direction and started checking out all the neat stuff but it didn’t take long for us both to realize this place really was more of a high priced flea market with stores trying to pawn off their items to the people passing by. Some booths were nice but most of them was just sad, really. I did find a cool looking Victoria Francés bag that I later went back for and bought. Though I was really hoping to find one of those bat backpacks or one with spikes. Maybe next time.

We stopped to eat and drink some, which was also an opportunity to talk some more. I asked him about his crazy love for old melee weapons which he apparently has been into for many years. I saw him testing out a few big ass swords during the day, it is quite impressive. I picked up a tiny dagger and said that was more my style.

It was really nice to see how laid back and easygoing he was, even before we met while texting and such. He’s a very relaxed guy who doesn’t doesn’t stress out over trivial things that many do, including myself at times. It was very pleasant.

There was a second hall that was part of the fair though there were less booths in there. It did have the music stage though, and that would also be the spot where we would spend quite a few hours. Apart from a few cheesy bands that kind of sucked there were two that really stood out.

The first being the industrial metal band DEADCELL, and yes that is written in all caps. I had never seen this type of music before, or at least not as well done as them. Emphasis on the word seen as they use visual imagery as part of their act. The entire band consisted of only 4 people. With the guy singing in a voice that was perfectly haunting. A female lead guitarist clothed in a seemingly PVC outfit beating out riffs like a machine.. literally!

Then there was the DJ who ran a digital drum track and played sound bites, and I believe also controlled the video projection. Quite an odd band makeup I thought. And then, during another song, a girl walked on stage and also clothed in semi-fetish getup, who started miming! She would take part in several other songs as well in different outfits. It was awesome! It has to be seen to be believed. Their songs are very volatile and anti establishment, but not angry. Meant to be mind opening, not cause aggression. We were definitely going to look them up when we got home.

The second band that we really enjoyed was the metal band The Dreamside. Again I had never heard of them before but their music was very good and had a female lead singer who would also occasionally don a mask. They even incorporated a fire act in there near the end. Loved it!

Also saw part of A New Dawn, which was a gothic metal band akin to Evanescence, Epica and the likes but failed horribly. Their band had too many redundant members and while two female vocalists can be quite a nice thing with one of them I had the feeling she’d rather be somewhere else. (Edit: Apparently I was right because last I heard she quit the band.)

I got my picture taken a few times, no idea if they are on a website somewhere, but some of them were taken by professional photographers so who knows! One person asked who I was supposed to represent. Uhm, myself? My date goes to these things a lot and apparently knew some of the press photographers there as well, so I met some and got to talk to them a bit, especially one who was very nice.

So in the end the fair itself turned out to be sucking but at least the music was good, had good view of the stage as the place was nearly deserted, so we we still spent many hours there and didn’t spend a lot of money. Good times after all.

The best part was yet to come though, as we left the building and proceeded to the subway we talked some more and he was willing to escort me to my train so I wouldn’t get lost. It had just left so had to wait a bit which he also volunteered to do with me. It was an odd experience to meet someone so relaxed because I’m more used to the “Ok, see ya!” kinda people.

Once the train arrived I grabbed my stuff and as I started to get on and was going to say goodbye to him he leaned forward and kissed me, on the cheek! It took me a second or two to regain my composure, I am sure I was blushing because it was very tender and dear. I loved it! So cute! It was also the very first time a guy kissed me that wasn’t family or something. I got on the train and waved as the train departed and I admit I couldn’t stop thinking about all day.

All the photos I took can be seen at my Picasa as always. ^.^