A while ago my boyfriend said I had to have had my hair cut before the next time I would see him. So I got like 8 inches of hair cut off, got bangs, and highlights! :D

I know! It’s not jeans and a t-shirt this time around. Scary, huh?

Bras are really hard for me at the moment as my boobs are this weird in-between size (like A-minus) and the wrong ones can be quite uncomfortable or even hurt. They’re growing rapidly, though, which is awesome.

My mom was mostly looking for shoes and has been having a hard time finding good ones. She has even smaller feet than me which makes it very hard to shop for shoes. Most stores will not even carry our size.

We checked out a few shoe stores first and at like the third one I saw these really cool looking boots that I just had to try on. Once I got them on I was just amazed. Perfect fit. I had to buy them.

My mom wasn’t so lucky because every store we tried did not have the right shoes for her and the ones she did like were too wide around the ankle so there was no support.

We came across a Wonder Woman, which is actually where I get a lot of my clothes as they sell a lot of XS and often have sales. As soon as I entered I saw these awesome looking pants but they were 50 bucks. Not too bad but still a lot of money. We eventually decided to keep looking and if I couldn’t find any elsewhere I’d get those.

Not long after we wound up at the V&D, which is a department store consisting of about 5 or 6 floors, most of them selling clothes but also jewelry, DVDs and whatnot. This is where I hit the jackpot really.

To cut a long story short. In total I bough myself thee pairs of pants, a lacy pink and black bra & panty set, a cute fuchsia bra, sexy pantyhose, mid-high boots, a nightie, and a necklace.

My mom got a very nice looking jacket and also some jewelry but sadly, no shoes. Maybe next time.

Most of this stuff was already on sale and it also happened to be a special sale day meaning that almost everything you buy after 6pm gets another 20% discount. So we got a really good deal that day!

What’s that? My date? Oh, I’ll cover that next time, don’t worry!

When I got there I had to sit for a few minutes in the waiting room before it was time for my appointment. All the staff seemed very busy, walking back ‘n forth and looking for papers and whatnot but it didn’t take very long before I was called and lead into one of the treatment rooms by one of the skin therapists.

She started with giving me some basic information on the procedure, like how the laser heats up the dark hairs and the heat transfers through the entire hair until it reaches the follicle which will ‘boil’, coagulate, and over the course of a few sessions will be completely destroyed and unable to grow new hairs. It all sounds kinda creepy, and she said it would hurt, too. Like rubber bands being snapped on your face. Fun.

After more information that I already knew she had to do what I already suspected. Which is take off my makeup to get a good look at my skin and hair. She noticed that I don’t have many areas that need treatment as I have little to no hair growth on certain areas on my face. Which is good, it’ll take less time to get rid of it all, I suppose.

Since I told them I wanted to get both my face and my genital area done, the latter being a required procedure for gender reassignment surgery, she also had to take a look ‘downstairs’. I have to admit, I’m surprised I didn’t make a smartass remark when she said “this looks perfect”. Of course what she meant was that with my pale skin and dark hair I am a perfect candidate for laser treatment. ;)

The dermatologist came in, too, to take a quick look at my face and to get the paper I got from my insurance. They want to have an idea of how many sessions this is going to take. I was told in general it takes about 6 sessions; each session about 6-8 weeks apart. So it’s going to take a few months but I’m glad to finally be able to get this done. Of all the things that make me self conscious this is number one. There is only so much you can do with makeup, especially with dark hair and a skin complexion like mine.

The billing thing is kinda weird. The bill for the genital area (150 Euro per session) goes straight to the VUMC, who then takes care of it with my insurance. The bill for the facial area (280 Euro per session) I have to pay for right after each session, at which point I’ll get the receipt which I can then turn in to my insurance to get it back again. So I’m going to have to make sure I have those 280 Euros each time I have a session.

I was also prescribed a cream that I have to pick up at the pharmacist. This cream I will have to apply at least one hour before each session as it will make the treatment less painful in that area. And no, I’m not talking about my face. I am supposed to apply a thick (emphasized by them) layer of cream on the genital area and then wrap it all in saran wrap. Yes, the thin, transparent, sticky plastic you cover food with if you want to store it for later. I know there are people out there with that fetish but as many as I have I don’t think that’s one of mine.

My first session is in two weeks and they will be doing both areas each session. This will reduce the entire treatment time in half so I have no problem with that. I just want it gone. It is also important to get the genital area done sooner rather than later as the longer you are on hormones the slower your pubic hair growth will be and it will take more sessions to get rid of it all. Besides, no one wants hair inside their vagina. ;)

This is my first attempt at a cybergoth look. I think it came out pretty well and that the alternating pink & black nails is a nice touch.

I wore the short boots in that last photo but I don’t intend to wear those with this outfit.

I feel the entire ensemble would look better if I dyed my hair black with pink streaks. I might still actually do this, not sure.

And no, I’m not bringing the guitar along. I just thought it looked nice. :)

Well, today, they finally arrived. Just in time for Castlefest! Now I just have to learn to walk in ‘m. :p

Clash 430 Gothic Platform Boots (low) & Concord 108 Platform Gothic Boots (high). Lots of adjustable straps, which is good cuz I’m kinda thin.

Here you are, born in a male body, hating it for as long as you can recall, hiding it from sight in every imaginable way and once you start transitioning you have to try and actually show it? You have to try and be happy with it? That is very, very hard.

From what I can tell by looking at old photographs of me, I was still happy until I was about 5 or 6 years old. because in those old pictures I was still smiling. After that, on the photos I allowed to be taken of me that is, the smile was gone. I really hated having my picture taken and I hated people looking at it (or me). I hated myself.

The following situation may sound familiar to you. When I had to go to PE class, if I went at all, I made sure to either get there early, or late. This because there was no way in hell I was going to take off my clothes in front of other people. If for someone reason I really had to I tended to duck into a corner and use my not-so-patented technique of changing clothes with an absolute minimum of skin showing.

Usually I already wore my gym clothes underneath my own clothes just in case. I would also never go without a shirt, always long enough to cover the crotch area, as did most of my clothes at the time. Many times I would not show up or pretend to be sick. The mere thought of someone looking at my body filled me with fear. I felt ugly. I felt disgusting. I hated my body.

For years I avoided social events, cameras, and mirrors. Grrr! Mirrors! Mirrors are still hard for me, I still avoid looking at one at all costs unless I’m actually wearing make up, I don’t want to see this.. guy staring back at me. I hate him!

I made a rule. If I cannot look at myself in the mirror and say I look awesome I won’t step out the door. “Great” and “good” will work in a pinch. Any less than that and I refuse to let anyone see me. I am ugly. Don’t look at me.

Sometimes, though, sometimes you have no choice to go out anyway. Yesterday was that day for me. After I did all my make up and changed my clothes like 5 times I still could not say the words. In fact, I thought I looked like shit. But… This was a very important appointment, I could not miss it! I had to go out anyway.

It was hot, and I wanted to wear a skirt and flip flops but in the end I didn’t. I was too self conscious about my looks and could not get myself to do it. Despite them being all smooth and clean my legs and feet had to be covered up.

I made a promise to myself that regardless of what happened I would stay out in Amsterdam for a bit. The weather was great and I would be damned if I was just going to sit at home again, as always, and be lonely and miserable.

The entire time I was out I felt terrible. Already being nervous for the appointment, feeling low, lacking confidence I really did not feel good and I’m sure that showed and did not help my situation at all.

During the day in I was sure there were a lot more people looking, staring, and laughing at me than usual. This of course did wonders for my self esteem and I wound up feeling even worse. I’m amazed I did not cry until I got home. I’m still trying to hold back the tears as I write this.. and failing.

Looks matter. They matter a lot! Especially to people who are born in the wrong body. The others have no idea of how extremely hard it is to simply walk out the door, knowing that every single person you meet will KNOW and have their judgement ready.

They see the five o’clock shadow, they hear your voice, they see your adam’s apple, they notice it from the stupidest tiniest things that you are not even aware of. Everybody knows!

Most will see and judge people like us as a joke, an abomination of God, or worse. Failing to realize that we are victims of a cruel twist of fate and have to struggle through life trying to correct this as much as possible.

I am not helped by your ridicule or mocking. I suffer enough, just by getting up and looking into the mirror. I cry every day and night because of what I have to go through.

Please…
…stop!

You are hurting me.

Last photo is me at the store. :p

Most of this was insanely cheap. The panties were 77cents, the jeans were 1 euro, it was nuts!

I LOVE CLOTHING SALES!! <3