Amorous Eyes

T-Girl Extraordinaire

About Me

Me! :)If you somehow stumbled upon this page not having a clue as to who I am or what this site is all about I’ll go ahead and explain it a bit. :)

I’m Julie Ann and I’m a transsexual girl who loves to buy clothes, make-up, jewelry, play guitar, design websites, date both boys and girls, and am a bit of a geek and a nerd.

While I may be 35 I still often act as if I were a teenager. I will at times even refer to myself as “puella aeterna” which means “The Eternal Girl”. Whether this is simply the effect of my hormone replacement therapy (HRT) or if I’m truly a child on the inside seems subject to debate.

The purpose of this blog is to serve as a public online diary for me while I go through transition and to show others that while I may be weird I am really no different than any other girl. You can check the timeline page to watch my progress in my transition so far.

You can expect writings about my transition as I have gone full-time (3+ years as of writing) and everything that comes with it. I have written about the agony of waiting and trying to be patient as I went through the diagnosis process and I have just recently started taking hormones which have already been the source of several emotional blog entries. Many more of those to come, I’m sure. ;)

This is not your stereotypical transgender blog, though, as I will also write about all the regular and nonsensical stuff that goes on in my life. While I will at times relate it to my transition sometimes I may write about things completely separate from that. Being trans is only one aspect of me, it does not define me.

At times I tend to go off on a tangent or post a rant about a topic that I may or may not have actual knowledge about. That’s just who I am. I have a need to say things out loud, even if I might be wrong.

I also love taking pictures, so expect many of those and I have been recording videos of myself doing guitar covers. There’s only a few for now but I hope to be making more soon.

Last year I started vlogging. Most of the time I will add a written version alongside it on this blog but on occasion I might not. You can watch all my current videos by using the big shiny buttons on top of the page. :)

Me! :)Answering questions:

What’s the greatest compliment you’ve been given?
To be honest I had to get used to getting compliments when I started transitioning. I didn’t really get them a lot before then. I also had to learn to say “Thank you.” instead of trying to devalue the compliment.

The greatest compliment ever given to me though? I’m not sure I can recall a specific one. Well… Maybe…

A while ago I was having lunch at a local place with my mom and an old ex-neighbor of ours came in and and sat at the table next to us. After a brief conversation she asked my mom if I was her daughter. She asked me if I moved here because she doesn’t remember seeing me before. When I explained I had been living here for years she was very confused. She said I kinda looked like my ‘brother’. She never recognized me the entire time.

That’s not the first time it happened, but it always makes me feel good.
Because that is exactly what I want to be perceived as… Just another girl.

What’s the greatest insult you’ve been given?
I’m registered on a dating site, I get insulted a lot. Of course, I just let those slide off me. The insults that hurt the most are the ones that come from people you actually know.

Like, my eldest uncle had been in the hospital for months and his 70th birthday was coming up. His wife’s 60th birthday also happened to be around that date. So the whole family decided to arrange something together with the hospital to allow the entire family (we have a really big family) to show up there in the main visit area and have a small party with cake and everything. This was all gonna be hush hush and neither my uncle or my aunt was told about this. We were just all gonna show up.

Well, I needed a ride as did a bunch of others as they don’t own a car either and after figuring out who was already going with whom I knew which ones still had room left. So I called another uncle of mine and asked if I could tag along with them. The response? Well, I could hear him inhale deeply through his teeth before he said “No, we don’t have the room in our car”. No one was driving along with them and they had the biggest car of the entire family that could easily seat 6 people. They had no room… They had room, just not for me.

That was the first time I was completely rejected by a family member because of my transition, and it hurt like hell. They haven’t talked to me since. Not at birthdays, funerals, family events.. They won’t even look at me.. As far as they are concerned, I don’t exist.

I did go, thanks to another aunt of mine who has always been completely supportive of my transition, but that event did make me realize there will be people who will simply refuse to accept me because of what I am.

What are you most proud of?
Umm.. The fact that despite everything life has thrown at me and the amount of loss, death, and suffering I’ve been through I am still alive.

I dunno, I have issues with the word “proud” and saying you take pride in something you do seems to imply you think you’re better than others, almost to an egotistical level. There are things I do well, that I’m good at, but I’d hate to say I pride myself for it. It sounds so conceited.

Actually, though it is becoming almost a standard response by now, I’m gonna go with the fact that I am open about my transition and that I did not run and hide to go stealth. Everybody knows and that makes it both hard and easy. Hard because there will always be assholes (they tend to be between the age of 15-25 mostly, and almost never alone), and good because I don’t have to lie or fear being ‘caught’.

You have mentioned in the past you are pansexual. What’s that about? What gender do you like?
I’ve been saying this for many years: “guys suck”. This seems to apply to about 80-95% of them. Yet, I still dream of having this beautiful wedding after being swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor. And yes, in this dream it is a guy.

As far as pure physical attraction goes, it tends to be guys with an androgynous look who I fancy. Popular examples being Bill Kaulitz (he’s soooo dreamy!), David Bowie (not so much anymore now that he’s older), and others. Not a fan of tall people, short is cuter anyway.

Long hair, like at least shoulder length, is nice too. I love hair. I’m not a fan of this rampant craze of guys starting to shave their heads when they hit 15 because they think it’s fashionable and keep it that way for the rest of their lives. It works for some people but you have to have a pretty good looking skull for it to work.

When it comes to personality, I usually stop worrying about what gender the person is and “ohmigosh but I’m straight/lez/whathaveyou and can’t possibly love him/her/zir?!”. My tastes vary a lot but a big turn off for me is macho like behavior. Which is the main reason why most guys simply don’t do it for me. I can’t stand the constant ‘friendly’ fighting/ribbing and dick measuring contests and the “real men dont cry; ALPHAAAAAAAAA!” mentality.

A big turn on for me is nerds & geeks. Specifically in the science field. I love people with brains. Leonard in The Big Bang Theory is a good example. Being open minded is if course, needless to say, also a must.

This is turning out much longer than I planned. It just isn’t easy to explain what I like when it varies so much. From Suicide Girls to men in position of power. And just when I say one thing, some muscular built guy comes along and I just drop to his feet. Note: I said muscular, not macho.

Some people just got ‘it’ and I go gaga over them. I can’t help it. And when I crush, I crush pretty damn hard.

I’m not sure I actually answered this question. I guess the short answer would be “whatever long as they treat me with respect, are courteous, and I love ‘m”.

What’s your philosophical/religious bend? Raised catholic, calvinist, whatever?
Raised non religious.

When I was like 6 I kinda got into Christianity because a friend of mine’s family was. I went over to eat with them one time and they started praying. I think that was my first real experience with religion. Didn’t stick though, it was just something new and interesting for a kid to do.

My dad did have one of those ancient old bibles that I loved browsing through and I often watched biblical themed movies when they were on. It had always been a fascination of mine.

In one of my primary schools there was a choice to either pick drawing classes or theology. I picked theology. People thought I was nuts but I loved it. The class was taught by a very old man with a wonderful way of expression. He made it everything he talked about come to life and that always made me feel great.

I read the bible (as a hobby) for years to come but all this time I did not consider myself religious. It was just incredibly interesting to me. I wanted to know the facts. Which if these things can be proven as historically accurate, even if only partly? It was too detailed to be a complete lie. I kept studying religions (mainly the big ones), and watched a lot of documentaries too about tracing back the stories of the bible.

On and off I considered myself an atheist but as time progressed I got to be more sure that there was a God, I just didn’t know who or what it was and what the hell I was supposed to do with that knowledge anyway. The holy books were obviously flawed so other than yelling at Him occasionally I didn’t really do much with it.

Flash forward to almost 10 years ago. Lost sense of purpose, doped up 24/7, wasting all my time and money on the stupidest stuff. Gave up on the real chances I had in my life and really had no future. I was already told by ‘professionals’ I likely wouldn’t make it past 25 so who cares anyway, right?

Anyway, while cruising through channels on TV I stopped at CNN I think. I saw a whole bunch of people in white walking around, thousands and thousands of them. Not sure why I stopped at that but maybe I thought something major had happened.

The narrators then informed me that this was in fact the Hajj, the annual Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca. Now for being someone who had spent a large portion of my life to religion I never truly looked at Islam before. It was never a big topic before everyone started claiming they were terrorists. This Hajj thing though, it fascinated me enough to go check things out.

Anyway, the weeks/months following that I looked up a lot of information and did quite a bit of research. I read the Quran and was quite amazed. First of all it wasn’t written like any other book, this actually had God talk to you; the reader. The entire book! Start to finish! No narrations from witnesses, no letters, just God. That was new to me, and quite refreshing.

The parts that did it though, the parts that made me believe this was the real one, were plentiful. Odd, because no other book made that kind of impact on me. But here comes a book along that tells you to embrace science, and talks about it a lot. (God created everything after all, including the laws of nature).

Confirms evolution, the big bang, and many more things that simply could not be known 1400 years ago. Then it even goes so far to tell you to not accept anything as truth before you verify it yourself.

As I can’t help myself I simply have to add a few of my favorite quotes, though there are many and I love it.

[2:170] When they are told, “Follow what GOD has revealed herein,” they say, “We follow only what we found our parents doing.” What if their parents did not understand, and were not guided?
[2:171] The example of such disbelievers is that of parrots who repeat what they hear of sounds and calls, without understanding. Deaf, dumb, and blind; they cannot understand.

^ Blindly following your parents’ religion, never questioning that maybe, just maybe, they could be wrong?

[17:36] You shall not accept any information, unless you verify it for yourself. I have given you the hearing, the eyesight, and the brain, and you are responsible for using them.

^ Awesome quote. God telling you to be skeptical. A far cry from most other religious texts where he tells you to blindly follow and NOT question anything.

I could go on and on about this topic, I love Islam and love talking about it. But I learned years ago that it is very rarely appreciated, and too often when asked about it it is only to try and ‘catch’ me in an inconsistency so they can go “see?!” and ridicule me. To people who are honestly interested I’ll talk about it but there aren’t many.

I haven’t even touched the subject of Sunnah and Hadith yet, which is where the problem lies with most Muslims you see today. In short: they’re all wrong and doing exactly what God told them not to do. Blindly follow their religious leaders and never question anything. I’ve tried talking to some and go into Muslim chat rooms but they just yell “Kafir!” (infidel) and don’t listen. I gave up.

Well… That was a long answer, I want to write so much more but I really should stop myself. I’m sure you can tell I’m pretty passionate about this subject. I skipped a lot of stuff which I was tempted to add but there’d be pages and pages more if I did that.

Your old tagline read “A not so ordinary T-girl”, but isn’t a T-girl, by definition, not so ordinary?
You’re right. In fact, it used to say just “girl” at first, but I changed it.

I’ve found out that even among ‘my own’, i.e. other T-girls, I’m not really the norm. For instance, I’ve visited several trans-chatrooms where if you didn’t know you would’ve sworn they were all 100% pure heterosexual males.

The exact same type conversations down to the “going on a beer run, brb” and talks about sports, cars, politics, yada yada. That’s not to say girls can’t talk about stuff like that but it was exactly the same as in any other chatroom. Guys talking about guy stuff.

The more femme subjects like clothes, jewelry, boys, and the likes were often ignored or even frowned upon. I had a hard time finding like minded people to talk to. I’ve jumped around to many chatrooms and other online communities and most of them are just like that. Boring as hell. I don’t fit into that crowd.

This was not what I expected honestly, you’d think that people who have been struggling with gender identity problems would actually, you know, act like a girl! Yet this could not be further from the truth. Many stick to their male habits and that goes beyond how they talk.

Then when I did finally find one (with the incredible user count of like 12 people total) I was banned because the owner didn’t have a sense of humor.

When I went to one of those trans-meeting type thingees I encountered similar problems. Some were just ‘guys in dresses’, other were too plain boring to talk to. The one that claimed she was goth obviously never looked up the word and this was the one that lead the damn thing for over a decade.

Don’t even get me started on lack of make up skills and fashion sense, even from the ones that have been full time/post op for decades. Ugh. Talk about perpetuating the stereotype. A lot of them either look like 50 year old hookers with tiger striped mini skirts or just wear a random flower-patterned dress your grandmother wouldn’t even buy. Combined with overly done makeup I just wanna cringe and am sometimes embarrassed to call myself one of them.

I’m not saying these people are not what they say they are, and luckily there are exceptions, but some effort would be nice, you know?

Another part of the problem is that there are quite a few that are stealth. Especially the more femme ones tend to choose that route so of course I never get to meet them. Again I fall out of the norm because I deliberately chose not to do that. Many of these will never identify as trans and live in fear of being ‘caught’. They actively avoid other T-Girls.

A few weeks ago though, someone pointed me to a place with a lot more like-minded girls and it’s pretty active. It’s nice being able to talk to people who actually ‘get it’. Not all of them, but any is more than none so I’m happy.

So yeah, I’m not an ordinary T-Girl. In the fact that ironically, I really am a girl. Always have been, just ask my mom. ^.^

Do you enjoy reading? If so, what book or books linger on in your memory?
My standard line to these questions is “I don’t read, I’m read to.”

I’ll elaborate on that a bit. I have read maybe 5 books in my entire life. That includes kids books. All of them because I had to for school. Several of them I faked reading and still got good grades. I still have a copy of one where I added illustrations on every page and just added like 2-3 lines to them. I didn’t read the entire 500 page book. This was in primary school, I was like 11 or whatever.

The last book I remember reading was The Neverending Story. I actually read that book. In 2 colors, red and green, separating both worlds.

I have problems reading from books. Text books, literature, any book. Webpages too. I glance at a page, my eyes cover every part of it, and then I’ve read it. Kinda. Rarely all of it but enough in most cases. I guess you can kinda think of it as speed reading without all the cool benefits. It sucks.

I’ve been telling myself I was gonna buy this one particular book I’m interested in for a few months now. I never do. Probably never will. I just can’t read it without it being a terrible nuisance and/or spoilerfest. If I see it, I read it. In the wrong order. It’s just not fun; there is no immersion. Instead, it is just a horrible drag so I gave up on it.

I was read to a lot when I was younger, up to when I was like 13 I guess. By various people. In high school though, that shit don’t fly.

Sidenote: I know practically the entire contents of selected books from Isaac Asimov, Arthur C. Clarke, and Robert Silverberg. “Son of Man” was quite awesome. I did not read a single line in the books though.

What is one of your favorite albums from each decade starting with the 60’s?
That is a really, really hard question. I like sooo many types of music. At least you are not asking for my number one favorites, good thing too, but I’m gonna feel bad about leaving stuff out now…

Anyway, I’ll try..

The Doors – The Doors

Frank Zappa – One Size Fits All

Metallica – Master of Puppets

Britney Spears – …Baby One More Time

Avril Lavigne – Under My Skin

This was very hard because there is sooo much music I like from every period. I was tempted to add some Motown (The Supremes, Marvin Gaye) or Elvis Presley for the 60s, Helloween and Michael Jackson for the 80s, Nirvana for the 90s, more Britney Spears (who I absolutely LOVE) for the 00s, and many others. But, these are just examples of *A* favorite album of those periods, not *THE* favorite. I would never be able to choose anyway.

Do you like scary movies? If so, what’s your favorite?
I love scary movies, I grew up watching horror movies as my brother was a big fan. I must’ve been like 6 when I started watching them. Seen all the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, Halloween movies, Friday the 13th movies, Fright Night, The Omen trilogy (and even The Omen IV), Re-Animator, Brain Dead (aka: Dead Alive), The Exorcist movies, Poltergeist, Evil Dead / Army of Darkness, Dellamorte Dellamore (Italian but very good!), Critters, the Return of the Living Dead movies (especially part 3 is awesome), the Dawn/Day/etc.. of the Dead movies (George A. Romero), the list goes on and on..

I love the older movies best in general where it isn’t just “OMG Orchestra Hit at maximum volume but it’s just a creaking door with a cat coming out!” scares. Not that that didn’t happen but todays’ movies tend to rely on shock effects and not truly try to scare you. I like seeing gore but it’s not required, some go overboard these days where it just becomes totally silly and not scary at all.

I cannot really name my all time favorite but a few that probably come close are Poltergeist (all of them), the first Exorcist (that one truly scared me when I first saw it), and Return of the Living Dead III. Actually, that may be my all time favorite.

That last one is very special to me because the lead character resembles me. Guy’s girlfriend turns into a zombie (she dies in a motorcycle accident and he’s stupid enough to revive her) and starts to mutilate herself in an attempt to not kill people. Sticking nails, glass, and anything sharp into her own flesh. Taking the aggression out on herself instead of others. It’s an interesting take on a zombie movie. I love that movie so much that I took my first name of the girl; Julie.

The pain… The pain keeps the hunger away…

In a weird way she’s my hero.

Posted on August 2, 2008 Leave a comment