Amorous Eyes

T-Girl Extraordinaire

Trans Activism

More and more I see T-girls becoming activists or starting groups because they are upset with how they and others like them are treated. Well, you should be upset, because it’s not just our basic human rights that are often infringed, but also the public perception is still very heavily skewed in the wrong direction.

What I don’t see is how you expect your Facebook group of twenty members to make an actual difference. What I don’t see is how simply writing a blog post bashing some politician is going to change their views. If you are honestly trying to change the world’s view of transsexuals and the transgender community in general I would suggest to consolidate your efforts and create a much larger group that can tackle major issues with actual legal and political knowledge rather than just saying “this can’t be right”.

Sometimes, I think that some of these people are only activists because they have been screwed over personally. Lost their job and unable to find a new one for instance. Yes, that is a terrible thing, especially when you know it has to do with your T-status, but I get the feeling some of you are taking these things a bit too far and putting all that much needed energy solely into a personal ‘crusade’ while losing track of your own personal transition.

Me, personally, have no desire to become an activist of any kind. I have no desire to join a rally, force myself into politics to change things from within, or join random little groups I already know will make no difference at all.

This is not to say I don’t appreciate what you are all trying to do, I certainly do, and someone surely has to step up and do it, but I see far too many incapable individuals doing so. Often hurting the cause far more than helping it. Sometimes things are worded in such a way it makes me ashamed to even consider affiliating myself with them. Please, leave the activism to the ones who actually know what they’re doing and if you want to help out join their group, don’t make your own. Splintering ourselves into hundreds of different little groups is only confusing the outside world and taking every one of our issues less seriously.

It is fitting that I should post this on National Coming Out Day run by the Human Rights Compaign but that was purely coincidental. It is, however, something I support as the same human rights should be given to everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. And the fact that many of us are still being screwed over and treated as second class citizens, both legally and socially, is something people should be made aware of. My heart goes out especially to the LGBT youth that have a hard time getting accepted. Too many commit suicide due to lack of support and bullying, which at times borders on pure sadism. Hopefully someday that will be a thing of the past and we will truly see equality.

Posted on October 11, 2010 Leave a comment


Goth.Recently, and by recently I mean in the last couple of months, I’ve kind of fallen in love with the darkwave music genre. While some of the bands I listen to deviate from it to some extend, like being more ebm, gothic rock, or dark ambient, in general you can kinda put them all under the darkwave tag.

While a lot of tracks from these bands have sad or ‘depressing’ lyrics I actually really enjoy listening to them and they make me feel better. Some are quite melancholic, like Sopor Aeternus and the Ensemble of Shadows, a one person band by Anna-Varney Cantodea, a non-op transwoman. She states al her songs are simply self-therapy and they are very dark indeed.

The other end of the darkwave tag is where you’ll find The Crüxshadows. A band headed by Rogue, who writes only positive messages and tries to change the world with his music. His songs, especially a bunch from the Dreamcypher album, resonate with me quite a bit. Eye of the Storm likely being my absolute favorite song by them.

Other bands I’ve gotten to really enjoy listening to are L’Âme Immortelle, Clan of Xymox, Switchblade Symphony, Voltaire, She Wants Revenge, Lacrimosa, Deine Lakaien, and Dvar. Look ‘m up on, you might like what you hear, and if you do go add me as a friend. :)

This is very much on the opposite musical spectrum compared to what I was predominantly listening to a year ago. Which was for the most part bubblegum pop like Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Who I still enjoy, no doubt, it’s just not what I desire to listen to right now.

Posted on October 9, 2010 Leave a comment

Letting go and letting it happen.

You'll never know why I'm smiling. ;)Over the course of the past few weeks that I started taking hormones my life was turned upside down and a lot of latent feelings that were always there but hidden were suddenly exposed. There have been some drastic changes in my emotional state so I haven’t touched this blog or even my Facebook and Twitter because the results would be incredibly chaotic and likely even not make any sense at all.

Some of those feelings are ones I have consciously squashed down myself over the years, some even forgotten I initially had them in the first place, but they have grown too strong now to do that so I had to let go of the hold I had on them and let me feel whatever it is that my soul wanted me to feel. Some of these feelings I expected, while others caught me completely off guard.

In terms of sexuality I think I mentioned before I was in heavy flux mode for a while. Right now I guess you can say that I went from straight to bi to pan to bi to straight (girls, both, any, both, guys – get it?). Though I have to add that it is my personal belief that everyone is at least a little bit bisexual whether they actually ever truly experienced (or acted on) those feelings or not. Many people have uttered the phrase: “If only you were a woman/man!” and my response to that is “What’s stopping you”? Really, why eliminate half the population if you think this person can truly make you happy? Go for it and see if it works out.

To continue on that subject it is now more apparent than ever that I have the hots for guys. It is truly uncontrollable and I’m loving it! There is more to this part of the story but I’m saving that for a later post. I’m such a tease, aren’t I?

I have been working hardcore on my schedule and I have to say I finally got it under complete control. Eating and sleeping at fixed times is not really a problem anymore. The times for eating will vary when I’m out of course, but I try to keep them as close as possible.

Adding to this I have also gained some much needed weight. As where a few months ago I actually hit an absolute low point of around 33.4kg (73.6lbs) I can actually say I am above 38kg (83.7lbs) right now. My minimum goal is 40kg (88lbs) but I’m trying for 45kg (99lbs) as my ultimate goal. Those 10 pounds I’ve gained are very visible too. In fact, it’s so ‘bad’ that I need to buy new pants. The 24″ wides I got are getting hella tight now. Even the skirt I always had to use a safety pin on doesn’t fall off anymore. ;p

From what I know from specialists and other T-girls it seems that on average you should not expect to see any significant growth in breast tissue until after 6 solid months of taking hormones. Well, after about 1-2 weeks I looked down and went “Holy shit! I have boobs!” and they are still very obviously growing. Of course, they are at like ‘pre-teen’ level right now, A minus minus, but they’re there and that makes me happy and well, more confident, too.

I have quite a few appointments set up in the coming months. Got therapy in a few days, taking my mom with me for the first time. Something I have been very reluctant to do but I know it needs to happen. Then there’s the intake for the laser hair removal in less than two weeks, I’m so glad to finally be able to do that. The VUMC hospital sent out a letter to my insurance to let them know about this and are asking them to completely cover it.

They also sent out another letter to the main office asking for a gender correction on all papers and cards. And I have a letter I can take to stuff like the bank and other insurance companies to ask them to either change my gender on all paperwork, or leave it out completely. I’m definitely making an appointment with the bank soon to do that part. I absolutely hate getting mail addressed to “Mr”. I just want to burn it. Sadly it will still require surgery to be able to change it in all permanent records including my birth certificate, but that’s still two to three years away. If only it could be tomorrow.. If only….

For several years I have been part of a community that was initially formed around the webcomic PvPonline. After the comic’s artist pulled the plug on the forums several users scrambled in the IRC channel I had set up for them and a new permanent home was coordinated there. Halforum came to be (now known as Halforums) and after a while I volunteered to be the technical administrator for the site. I love to code so this was a good opportunity to both do something useful with my skills and learn some new things along the way.

I transitioned while being a part of this community and have to say that they have always been positive and supportive about it. I have never had an issue there regarding my transsexuality and had several good opportunities to inform them when they had questions as well.

While these people have taken up a relatively good-sized chunk of my life I did decide in the past weeks that it is time for me to move on. I will help them make the move to a new forum software and after that I will take my leave. To be honest I have stuck around there longer than I should have, it is no longer a part of me but a part that I need to let go.

So yeah.. Many changes in my life, both big and small. Some expected, some completely unexpected. But I decided to not worry what I might suddenly feel, like, or dislike. I’m just gonna let it happen.

I know some people will have some difficulty with these changes and may catch them off guard. Especially from those close to me I expect to hear a bunch of “but you never liked/did that before”! Which is kind of the point, isn’t it? I am not that person anymore and you should thank God for that because I know that I sure as hell never cared for him.

Good riddance and hello new wonderful life!

Posted on October 3, 2010 Leave a comment
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