Vlog #1 – Revelations from the past.
When I was about 15 years old I met a group of kids I started to hang out with. Over the years people came and went but a few core people remained. At one point it had changed so much that me and another person decide to quit hanging out with them and just do our own thing. That person then became my best friend for several years.
This person would start to play a big role in my life. Him and I would spend a lot of time together, just a few hours in the evenings at first but later on much more. Days and nights; basically our every waking moment was spent together.
It is not surprising considering that fact that many of my family and outsiders at that point thought I was gay. It was never really said out loud but it wasn’t a hard deduction to make considering I spent all my time with guys, no girls to be found among my friends circle.
In fact I only had one real ‘girlfriend’ a few years before this. Who I admittedly spent a lot of time with and my free time was often spent at her house. Thing is, to me she was more like a girl friend. Yes, I had given her a ring that she wore, but I gave it to her because of another guy who made advances at her.
One instance of that relationship I still vividly remember. I was with her, and a few other girl friends of hers, and it was time for me to leave. As I left and headed into the stairwell of the apartment complex I heard one of her friends say, “aren’t you going to kiss your boyfriend goodbye?”, at which point she ran after me to catch me.
I was down the stairs and I looked up as she called my name. She gestured for me to come to her and puckered her lips. She wanted me to kiss her. What I did next tormented and confused me for years to come.. I just smiled at her and left for home. I did not kiss her. I did not even have any desire to kiss her. Why? A teenage girl wants to be kissed by her teenage boyfriend and he just smiles and goes away.. That does not make any sense! No boy in his right mind would do that, yet I did. Things were never the same after that and it wasn’t long before I would never see her again.
Back to my best friend. We had a lot in common and a lot similar views of the world. We even shared our birthday and sometimes joked about it being “destiny” that we found each other. As time progressed I found myself wanting to be with him more. Feeling anxious when I knew he was about to show up and getting upset if he had to cancel.
See, I had strong feelings for him, feelings that went beyond regular friendship, but every time I realized I had those I would squash them down and deny them and block them. “I am a perfectly normal heterosexual male,” I kept repeating in my head. “It isn’t uncommon for anyone to have random thoughts or fantasies that in real life you would never pursue, right?”
The answer is painfully obvious now. I was in love with him. I was in love with him but did my hardest to deny and subdue those feelings because I still insisted I was a regular straight guy. It was not possible for me to have any romantic feelings for another guy. As the years went on those feelings got progressively worse; stronger. I’m not sure if he ever truly knew but he must’ve had an idea.
Then one day, about five years ago now, he wrote me an email that contained a single line of text. It read that it was “all too much” for him and he could not be with me anymore. I’ll leave out the ugly details of what else happened that day but suffice to say that it completely destroyed me emotionally. I hit rock bottom and the next day decided to quit doing drugs, which I haven’t touched since.
So I was alone, for the first time in years I was alone and I didn’t really know how to handle this. Knowing what ruined my friendship with him made me run from my true feelings even more. I ran, and I ran hard.
Not long after I found myself in an MMORPG (an online roleplaying game) and I met a girl. She expressed interest in me so I decided to prove once and for all that I was a perfectly normal guy and pursue her. Sadly, she turned out to be an extremely manipulative bitch and seemed to love playing with my emotions. Since I was already in a very weak emotional state it didn’t take long for her to destroy me. Everyone around me knew it and told me I should let her go but I couldn’t. I was desperate. I had something to prove.
During this whole emotional turmoil another person returned to the same game. A woman I was already warned about ahead of time. I was told that she was an habitual liar and a deceiver. But it was this person that decided to help me out with the girl; figure out my emotions. This eventually lead me to drop all interest in the girl and, you may have seen this coming by now, get involved with the woman instead.
The first time I talked to her out of game, just online messaging at that point, I had to explain something. See, I have always roleplayed as a girl online and never corrected anyone if they asked about it. I was always much more comfortable that way even though I wasn’t sure why. I will elaborate some more on that in a later blog post.
So I had to tell her I was a guy. She assumed at that point I had to be homosexual because no guy acts like the way I did. I denied that and guess what came next? She asked if I was a transsexual. This I denied even more but she even sent me pictures of little transgender kids and told me there’s nothing wrong with it. I kept on denying it and told her I am just a normal heterosexual guy.
Flash forward about a year and I got married to her. Yes, I flew all the way to the US to get married to someone I met online. Why? I was desperate to prove something, remember? My family already had doubts. And when they saw her I’m sure many were wondering what the hell I saw in her, and that I could do better, but I was determined to show to everyone that I was ‘normal’.
Of course that relationship didn’t last and went straight to hell. In fact, during the time we were married my inner emotional struggle only got worse and worse. She would bitch at me for being more feminine than her. One thing I would constantly whine about is that girls got all the neat clothes and guys were stuck with the same old stuff. Girls get a billion dresses and guys get a single suit. When we got married I also insisted on getting a platinum engagement ring with 9 diamonds and a gold wedding ring with 9 even bigger diamonds in it for myself. What did I get her? A ring from Wal-Mart that was nothing special.
Throughout my life but more so during this marriage I kept saying that I thought “my life would be easier as a girl.” Even though I would say this out loud it would still never truly register in my brain. That is, not until the day came that she screamed back, “Well you can, you know!”.
After that moment, which was a moment of pure clarity, my life changed completely. Within days I told my family and it only took a matter of weeks until I went full time. Eventually everything started to finally make sense. My feelings, my frequent emotional outbursts, my depression. I finally knew who I was. I finally knew that I was a girl!