» Written version below the video. Note: It is vastly different than the video which covers more topics. «
So yesterday I had two appointments at the hospital. One was to get a bone density scan which I’m told is standard procedure for anyone on hormone replacement therapy. I had to take the top layer of my clothes off and lay down on a bench type thingee and have my feet rested on a high cube in order to keep my back as straight as possible. I guess I’ll hear from them if there are any.. abnormalities.
Then I had an appointment with a speech therapist along with an ear, nose and throat doctor. I had no real idea of what to expect so I was kinda nervous. I had to sit in the most uncomfortable chair ever which was situated next to a computer. They would later use this along with a long iron stick with a light and a camera attached to it. The doctor would literally hold my tongue as she put the camera in the back of my mouth. I had to make some noises while they would look at my vocal chords. It was recorded which they showed me afterward. It was weird. Apparently I’m also already in the female vocal range so there’s no problem there.
After a while they asked me why I was there and I told them that I felt too self-conscious about my voice. It is actually #2 on my list of things I’m insecure about. I told them that I mostly had the problems when I have to speak Dutch because I do so little of it, mainly only around family. Because of that I tend to focus more on my voice as I’m also translating making me feel less secure about my voice which causes tension and my voice gets worse.
This is admittedly a lot harder around people who’ve known me from before my transition than it is with people who didn’t. I always get the feeling that like family members are focusing a lot on my voice when I talk which then makes me more self conscious about it. If I’m talking to someone I just met it is a million times better as I don’t have to fear them making ‘comparisons’ or even criticizing it.
Both the doctor and the speech therapist told me I sounded feminine and that they would never mistake it for a male voice. They didn’t hear the typical male voice that comes from the chest. Articulation and everything was also fine. I said that was funny to hear because in the past I was always criticised for not properly enunciating but they told me they could hear every single word just fine.
They told me I could just go on as is unless I really did want actual speech therapy. I stated again that I would like to as I’m too self conscious when talking Dutch despite them telling me I had nothing to worry about. The only criticism they had is that I could use some improvement on melody and that at times I may talk a bit too fast. Though I think that last part was mostly caused by being nervous.
So they said they were going to look for a speech therapist with the necessary skills near me or in Amsterdam that can help me overcome what apparently is just all in my head and not my voice. Basically all I need to do is learn and accept that my voice is fine and stop being so nervous when talking. If I can do that I will be fine.
I have an active profile on a large dating site. I was a member of a few others before but after tons of insults and even threats I quit those. Now I’m just on a single one and the users there have been treating me fairly well, I must say.
Now, I’m completely open in my profile, which has been reworked numerous times. It states very clearly that I am a transsexual who is still mid-transition. This information used to be on top of my profile but I have kind of sneakily moved it down quite a bit so people will read about me as a person first.
So a few weeks ago I get a random IM from this guy. He was telling me that my profile was refreshing for being so honest and open. We talked for just a few minutes. Random topics, really.
The next day he messages me again and we talk for a few minutes much like the previous day. Music, people, whatever came up. This went on for a few days until he asked me if I had like MSN or something. Now, I have a separate MSN account specifically for this very purpose. That way I can get a feel for people before I decide to give them my real MSN or not.
So I give him my alternate MSN account and he messages me. At this point it was already quite late but I figured we could talk some before I had to go to bed. At one point I mentioned that I can’t stand typing. Shock, I know, considering I do so much of it and that I have a tendency to write extremely long blog posts. I told him I prefer to use Skype as that way I can just talk and it frees me up to do other things. Like hang up the laundry. :p
Of course after I mentioned that he kept asking for it. I told him no, and that it’s too late anyway. I had to go to bed in like 30 minutes. He kept asking every now and then during our talk so eventually I told him “maybe tomorrow, we’ll see”. Well the next day we talked some more and I did wind up giving him my Skype name in the end.
So we call each other and turn on the webcams. Now in the pictures on his dating profile he still had short hair but apparently he had let it grow as it was now shoulder length. I know it sounds like a cliché but long hair on guys is a turn on for me. I love hair; bald guys usually don’t do it for me. He looked kind of handsome in sort of a devious way, if that makes any sense at all.
So we talked. We talked a lot because I completely destroyed my schedule and went to bed at 6am. We had talked for hours! Things seemed to click really well, we talked about anything and everything and it was never really awkward. He was obviously intelligent, which also happens to be a turn on for me, though I guess also somewhat lacking in people skills. The next day we both said we couldn’t make it that late again but we still wound up talking until it was like 5.30 in the morning.
What I have neglected to mention up to this point is his age. No, he’s not 65. In fact, he’s 24. Ten years younger than me. He’s in school, studying computer programming or some shit, and on the weekends he drives a taxi cab for 12 hours a day. All this didn’t leave much free time and most of it was spent sleeping or trying to stay awake so he could go out.
We kept talking almost daily though sometimes he was too busy or too tired to do so. He mentioned that before me he had never had any real conversation with a transsexual before. It also wasn’t something he was ‘looking’ for. He just happened to come across my profile and message me.
Being so young and never having had any true interaction with a girl like me he said he didn’t know if this could work. He didn’t know if he could handle it. He said he wanted to try and explore this further but that he could make no promises as he didn’t know if it was something he could get over or it would be something that would keep nagging at his brain. As he talked to me he did say I was “just a girl” but that doesn’t change the fact there are some ‘anatomical differences’ that can be deal breakers for some people.
I cannot fault him for that so I didn’t. Some people get stuck on the physical differences and can’t get past that. That’s just how it is. Others just see the person inside and have no problem with it. At this point he didn’t know which of the two he was. But he did say he had every intention of finding out.
So I told him we should meet up. It’s a good way to get a better feel for each other and see how well he does in a ‘real life situation’. He had a short vacation coming up, this very week, so he said we could meet during it. I agreed but he hadn’t set an actual date yet, he said he’d get back to me on that one. …Yeah…
After that day he got extremely busy. He said there was a family crisis that took up a lot of his free time so if we talked for 25 minutes it was a lot. This went on for a while and I tried to be supportive. Though I admit that there were times I wasn’t sure if what he told me was the complete truth. I would feel like he was actively avoiding me. Maybe regretting he made those plans to come meet me and trying to back out of it.
Then this last Monday, the same week he’s supposed to come over, he messages me. Still saying he’s been busy with stuff and whatnot. So I ask him if he still planned on coming over to meet me because it was starting to seem unlikely at this point. He tells me he has “every intention of doing so” but that he has “no need whatsoever right now for anyone to bother him about anything” and then adds: “if this is how it’s going to be, then no, it’s not happening”.
Wait, did he just tell me that yes, he has every intention of coming over but no, it’s not happening? That doesn’t even make any sense! He then mentioned his good mood was ruined, supposedly by me asking that question, and just left.
It took a lot of restraint not to just call him a fucking asshole at that point. This also wasn’t the first time he left when there was an actual emotional response. People tell me, “Well, yeah. He’s a guy!” but that just isn’t good enough for me. Running away from confrontations or conflict is a very immature thing to do.
It was then that I started to realize that for some stupid reason I tried to ignore his flaws. Flaws that should have been deal breakers for me. As a friend told me, I just wanted it too much. Now, I already realized early on that this could never have turned into something long-term but just having some fun for a short while wasn’t something I would skip out on.
But this guy would run away from any emotional confrontation. This guy didn’t even know what true responsibility was yet; he didn’t have to worry about paying rent or the electric bill. This guy was still a child. Now that is something I really wasn’t looking for.
So I left him a message on Skype saying that his response was completely uncalled for. A huge overreaction as I asked him a perfectly valid question, especially considering the circumstances. It wasn’t until Wednesday night, yesterday, that he actually logged back in, for only a second, but the messages were delivered. He never responded, he never replied.
I was hoping he would, you know, at least apologize for overreacting like that but that would be the mature thing to do. My messages were delivered and that’s all I care about really. All that remained doing was blocking his sorry ass as I sure as hell didn’t want him to come over anymore.
I did realize after this fiasco that I really can’t be with someone that young. There may be exceptions out there but he sure as hell wasn’t one of ‘m. Now, I’m not saying that every 24 year old is immature. Hell, there are younger guys out there who are much more mature than him, and there are guys in their late 30s that are still quite immature. But, the lower in age you go the less likely it is to find a mature person.
I don’t have a problem with big age differences in relationships either; I mean, I’ve seen 10 year age differences work even within my own family. It’s just that this particular guy was being an immature asshole.
So, I’m still looking for Mr. Right… or Mr. Right Now. ;) Though if the right girl would come along I wouldn’t say no either, it’s just that I’m looking for a guy. Preferably one with a nice chest. :p I have met some nice guys but I am extremely picky. Even the dates I’ve been on weren’t all bad, some of ‘m were really nice actually, but there just wasn’t a click. Even for something short-term I need at least some sort of emotional bond.
So that’s the latest on my not-so-exciting love life. I’m hoping to have some happier news on that front relatively soon. I’m talking to a few people so who knows. :)
When I was about 15 years old I met a group of kids I started to hang out with. Over the years people came and went but a few core people remained. At one point it had changed so much that me and another person decide to quit hanging out with them and just do our own thing. That person then became my best friend for several years.
This person would start to play a big role in my life. Him and I would spend a lot of time together, just a few hours in the evenings at first but later on much more. Days and nights; basically our every waking moment was spent together.
It is not surprising considering that fact that many of my family and outsiders at that point thought I was gay. It was never really said out loud but it wasn’t a hard deduction to make considering I spent all my time with guys, no girls to be found among my friends circle.
In fact I only had one real ‘girlfriend’ a few years before this. Who I admittedly spent a lot of time with and my free time was often spent at her house. Thing is, to me she was more like a girl friend. Yes, I had given her a ring that she wore, but I gave it to her because of another guy who made advances at her.
One instance of that relationship I still vividly remember. I was with her, and a few other girl friends of hers, and it was time for me to leave. As I left and headed into the stairwell of the apartment complex I heard one of her friends say, “aren’t you going to kiss your boyfriend goodbye?”, at which point she ran after me to catch me.
I was down the stairs and I looked up as she called my name. She gestured for me to come to her and puckered her lips. She wanted me to kiss her. What I did next tormented and confused me for years to come.. I just smiled at her and left for home. I did not kiss her. I did not even have any desire to kiss her. Why? A teenage girl wants to be kissed by her teenage boyfriend and he just smiles and goes away.. That does not make any sense! No boy in his right mind would do that, yet I did. Things were never the same after that and it wasn’t long before I would never see her again.
Back to my best friend. We had a lot in common and a lot similar views of the world. We even shared our birthday and sometimes joked about it being “destiny” that we found each other. As time progressed I found myself wanting to be with him more. Feeling anxious when I knew he was about to show up and getting upset if he had to cancel.
See, I had strong feelings for him, feelings that went beyond regular friendship, but every time I realized I had those I would squash them down and deny them and block them. “I am a perfectly normal heterosexual male,” I kept repeating in my head. “It isn’t uncommon for anyone to have random thoughts or fantasies that in real life you would never pursue, right?”
So why was I jealous when he spent time with other people? Why did I get upset when one of us was away for a weekend? “He’s just a friend.. He’s just a friend!”
The answer is painfully obvious now. I was in love with him. I was in love with him but did my hardest to deny and subdue those feelings because I still insisted I was a regular straight guy. It was not possible for me to have any romantic feelings for another guy. As the years went on those feelings got progressively worse; stronger. I’m not sure if he ever truly knew but he must’ve had an idea.
Then one day, about five years ago now, he wrote me an email that contained a single line of text. It read that it was “all too much” for him and he could not be with me anymore. I’ll leave out the ugly details of what else happened that day but suffice to say that it completely destroyed me emotionally. I hit rock bottom and the next day decided to quit doing drugs, which I haven’t touched since.
So I was alone, for the first time in years I was alone and I didn’t really know how to handle this. Knowing what ruined my friendship with him made me run from my true feelings even more. I ran, and I ran hard.
Not long after I found myself in an MMORPG (an online roleplaying game) and I met a girl. She expressed interest in me so I decided to prove once and for all that I was a perfectly normal guy and pursue her. Sadly, she turned out to be an extremely manipulative bitch and seemed to love playing with my emotions. Since I was already in a very weak emotional state it didn’t take long for her to destroy me. Everyone around me knew it and told me I should let her go but I couldn’t. I was desperate. I had something to prove.
During this whole emotional turmoil another person returned to the same game. A woman I was already warned about ahead of time. I was told that she was an habitual liar and a deceiver. But it was this person that decided to help me out with the girl; figure out my emotions. This eventually lead me to drop all interest in the girl and, you may have seen this coming by now, get involved with the woman instead.
The first time I talked to her out of game, just online messaging at that point, I had to explain something. See, I have always roleplayed as a girl online and never corrected anyone if they asked about it. I was always much more comfortable that way even though I wasn’t sure why. I will elaborate some more on that in a later blog post.
So I had to tell her I was a guy. She assumed at that point I had to be homosexual because no guy acts like the way I did. I denied that and guess what came next? She asked if I was a transsexual. This I denied even more but she even sent me pictures of little transgender kids and told me there’s nothing wrong with it. I kept on denying it and told her I am just a normal heterosexual guy.
Flash forward about a year and I got married to her. Yes, I flew all the way to the US to get married to someone I met online. Why? I was desperate to prove something, remember? My family already had doubts. And when they saw her I’m sure many were wondering what the hell I saw in her, and that I could do better, but I was determined to show to everyone that I was ‘normal’.
Of course that relationship didn’t last and went straight to hell. In fact, during the time we were married my inner emotional struggle only got worse and worse. She would bitch at me for being more feminine than her. One thing I would constantly whine about is that girls got all the neat clothes and guys were stuck with the same old stuff. Girls get a billion dresses and guys get a single suit. When we got married I also insisted on getting a platinum engagement ring with 9 diamonds and a gold wedding ring with 9 even bigger diamonds in it for myself. What did I get her? A ring from Wal-Mart that was nothing special.
Throughout my life but more so during this marriage I kept saying that I thought “my life would be easier as a girl.” Even though I would say this out loud it would still never truly register in my brain. That is, not until the day came that she screamed back, “Well you can, you know!”.
After that moment, which was a moment of pure clarity, my life changed completely. Within days I told my family and it only took a matter of weeks until I went full time. Eventually everything started to finally make sense. My feelings, my frequent emotional outbursts, my depression. I finally knew who I was. I finally knew that I was a girl!
Today I had an intake appointment with Cosmedilight in Amsterdam. The laser hair removal place of choice of the VUMC hospital’s genderteam. They are far from the cheapest but luckily my insurance will cover it. :) I forgot to ask before I went there if they required me to show up without makeup or not. I kinda suspected not, but I put it on anyway.
When I got there I had to sit for a few minutes in the waiting room before it was time for my appointment. All the staff seemed very busy, walking back ‘n forth and looking for papers and whatnot but it didn’t take very long before I was called and lead into one of the treatment rooms by one of the skin therapists.
She started with giving me some basic information on the procedure, like how the laser heats up the dark hairs and the heat transfers through the entire hair until it reaches the follicle which will ‘boil’, coagulate, and over the course of a few sessions will be completely destroyed and unable to grow new hairs. It all sounds kinda creepy, and she said it would hurt, too. Like rubber bands being snapped on your face. Fun.
After more information that I already knew she had to do what I already suspected. Which is take off my makeup to get a good look at my skin and hair. She noticed that I don’t have many areas that need treatment as I have little to no hair growth on certain areas on my face. Which is good, it’ll take less time to get rid of it all, I suppose.
Since I told them I wanted to get both my face and my genital area done, the latter being a required procedure for gender reassignment surgery, she also had to take a look ‘downstairs’. I have to admit, I’m surprised I didn’t make a smartass remark when she said “this looks perfect”. Of course what she meant was that with my pale skin and dark hair I am a perfect candidate for laser treatment. ;)
The dermatologist came in, too, to take a quick look at my face and to get the paper I got from my insurance. They want to have an idea of how many sessions this is going to take. I was told in general it takes about 6 sessions; each session about 6-8 weeks apart. So it’s going to take a few months but I’m glad to finally be able to get this done. Of all the things that make me self conscious this is number one. There is only so much you can do with makeup, especially with dark hair and a skin complexion like mine.
The billing thing is kinda weird. The bill for the genital area (150 Euro per session) goes straight to the VUMC, who then takes care of it with my insurance. The bill for the facial area (280 Euro per session) I have to pay for right after each session, at which point I’ll get the receipt which I can then turn in to my insurance to get it back again. So I’m going to have to make sure I have those 280 Euros each time I have a session.
I was also prescribed a cream that I have to pick up at the pharmacist. This cream I will have to apply at least one hour before each session as it will make the treatment less painful in that area. And no, I’m not talking about my face. I am supposed to apply a thick (emphasized by them) layer of cream on the genital area and then wrap it all in saran wrap. Yes, the thin, transparent, sticky plastic you cover food with if you want to store it for later. I know there are people out there with that fetish but as many as I have I don’t think that’s one of mine.
My first session is in two weeks and they will be doing both areas each session. This will reduce the entire treatment time in half so I have no problem with that. I just want it gone. It is also important to get the genital area done sooner rather than later as the longer you are on hormones the slower your pubic hair growth will be and it will take more sessions to get rid of it all. Besides, no one wants hair inside their vagina. ;)